The Bachelor Finale: Yep, We Watched It

(Clockwise from top: Brad, Chantal, Emily)

by DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey guys, remember Brad? The Bachelor contestant that all of America somehow thought was a total D-Bag for not proposing to anyone he didn’t want to marry? Well, after a few therapy sessions, he returned for round two of consequence-free polygamy, and last night, in Cape Town, South Africa, he finally shed the rest of the sister-wives and nabbed himself a bride. We won’t bore you with the details of the whole season, as you’re probably familiar with the drill–guy gets a harem, guy kicks girls out of harem one by one, guy is left with two options, one of whom will get the boot and the other of whom will get the rock.

This season’s two final ladies with the best cleavage personalities were the bubbly brunette Chantal O. (yeah, there were two Chantals) and blond Southern Belle Emily. On last night’s finale, the two contestants met Brad’s family, including twin brother Chad (ha, no, seriously), Chad’s superhot wife Dylan, would-be-considered-attractive-in-any-other-family brother Wes, Wes’s wife/first cousin Prima, and Brad’s mom, who did her best to blend into the South African surroundings by dressing like a cheetah.

First up to meet the genetic lottery-winning family was Chantal O. Face, who immediately charmed Brad, Chad, Thad, and Vlad by proving that she was scary-obsessed with their brother/son. Mom and Chantal got better acquainted with some one-on-one time, and after 15 minutes of O. Face discussing how much she loved abs Brad, Mama Womack decided Chantal would make hot grandkids with her son and signaled her approval with a wink and a squeaky noise. The romantic afternoon ended with Brad announcing that he could definitely imagine proposing to Chantal… and couldn’t wait to introduce his family to Emily, the other woman he could also definitely imagine proposing to, maybe.

Before Brad’s family could meet the other love of his life, the Belle Who Never Wore Bottoms, host Chris Harrison stepped in, instructed all of them to look at the flashing light, and told them all they were all there because Brad won a trip to South Africa for his 250 word essay on why pull-ups are superior to chin-ups.

With all memories of Chantal erased, it was time to bring in BelleNoBottoms Barbie. Emily’s meeting was not all bubbles and rainbows, and the awkward getting-to-you-know took a serious turn when she revealed her tragic past. Emily was eighteen when her fiance was killed in a plane crash, and a week later, she discovered she was pregnant with her now-six-year-old daughter, Ricki. Once everyone was done having trouble telling Brad and Emily apart from Chad and Dylan, the questions began as to whether or not Brad was really ready to be a father. However, after he assured everyone that he would make a great dad because he had seen Three Men and a Baby twice, it was determined that Emily was the woman he was meant to be with.

Now, before Brad could decide which woman he wanted to sleep with for the next 3-5 months before publicly breaking up, it was time to take them each on one more unrealistic date. Again, O. Face went first, and Brad abandoned all pretense of affection by literally throwing her to the sharks. Chantal was a good sport, though, pulling off the ‘oh no, this wet suit won’t zip over my boobies!’ move with charm and grace before joining Brad in the cage from which they romantically watched the sharks fin-fiving and doing the ‘that’s-what-i’m-talkin’-bout’ nod as they checked out Chantal’s ample cleavage.

Later that night, Brad and O. Face bonded again, this time over the vomit-inducing kindergarten art project Chantal passed off as some sort of Crayola-and-paste monument to their love that she’d worked on allll night while Brad and BelleNoBottoms got their sexxx on. You see, Chantal had created a map, noting all the places she and Brad had been together, like Kamchatka and East Africa, because she traveled the world with him! And that is super meaningful! Because no one else traveled the world with him! Everyone else just played the board game version of The Bachelor and boned him over Skype while she alone traveled to Anguilla and South Africa! Except not. Anyway, their clothes stayed on the whole time, and that’s when we knew that we’d seen O. Face’s o-face for the very last time.

Then it was Emily’s turn, and because she has a kid and the producers actually care if she lives or dies, her final date was a picturesque helicopter ride. Fortunately for everyone, Emily had left her pants in the other helicopter, but Brad, good sport that he is, didn’t seem to mind. Later that night, however, Brad and Emily got into their first fight, which sounded something like this:

Emily: “Will you take my child to the hospital at 3 am because she sleep walks?”

Brad: “Yes I will. And I will be her true Father.”

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you?”

Brad: “Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “YOU KNOW NOTHING. GOOD DAY, SIR!”

Brad: “Listen! Listen! Listen! Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “Brad, I just want to make sure that you understand that kids are not fun and go to the ER every day.”

Brad: “So, am I her dad yet?”

Then he walked out, and no sex was had in Africa that night.

~~~

The time had come for Brad to make his choice, leaving one woman inconsolable for at least two hours. It was going to be a tough one. On the one hand, he and Emily had sort of gotten into a fight the night before. On the other hand, he didn’t really like Chantal at all. But on the other hand, no bottoms. But on the other hand, boobs. Drama!

The first limo pulled up, and out stepped Chantal, wearing a shiny black dress with a mess of feathers on one shoulder for luck. Brad did the honorable thing by dragging the dismissal out for a few minutes by listing all the things he loved about her before the big “but,” and to her credit, Chantal didn’t so much as smudge her makeup, probably because she didn’t seem to understand that she was being dumped until Brad finally yelled, “I WANNA BANG EMILY.” He then politely escorted her back to the limo where she was greeted by a nurse who inserted a 99 Bananas drip directly into her arm. As the limo pulled away, the raven on her shoulder could be heard quothing “Nevermore, nevermore.”

Emily’s limo pulled up next, and to make up for a season of pantslessness, she stepped out wearing a modest dress designed by the 15th Duggar daughter. After a bit of stammering and nonsense, her finger was suddenly shiny and we realized they were engaged. In the distance, the faint sound of Toto’s Africa could be heard. Mazel Tov!

Epilogue: Every night Brad sets up the Sony handheld on a tripod before slipping back into bed. He tells Emily it is to help with his withdrawal from not being on camera anymore and she is none the wiser. They are still not married. Fin.

 

 

DahlELama and The_Obvious met when she took a bus from Iowa to California and discovered him behind the bar at a Burlesque club. She is now a star, while he wears too much eyeliner and still hasn’t finished a song or appropriately dumped his fiance.

Sister Wives Recap: Reality Television Results in Surprising Lack of Privacy

Sister Wives season 2 premiered and I for one was darned glad to catch up with Kody and his concubines. They’ve had a little exposure to the Planet Earth since we last saw them. Not only are they being stalked by the paparazzi, they ended up on the receiving end of a police investigation.

They seemed genuinely puzzled by some of the public’s reaction to polygamy. Most people in Utah are very familiar with plural marriage regardless of whether or not they support it. I think before Big Love aired, most Americans had given polygamy about 3-10 minutes in their entire lives. During the polygamy compound raids, the concept of plural marriage still needed a lot of explanation for most people. I’d bet money that most TLC viewers were stunned to see actual polygamists with stylish hair and normal clothing.

The first part of the show was devoted to the Today Show interview, the first season and the initial fallout. There was quite of bit of press stalking the house although the wives quickly learned the art of evading the press. There were many, many comments made online and on TV. Then, there was the law enforcement reaction. Some of the feedback was not positive and this caused some stress. Robyn cried; Meri made unhappy faces; Janelle was resigned and Christine had a red nose.

Honestly, though, if you offer yourself up to reality television, you have to be prepared for the beast to bite back. It can offer a measure of fame but it opens you up to lots and lots of judgment which can be unpleasant. The viewing public is everywhere and they don’t necessarily agree with or even like you. Many of them will make this quite clear if they meet you in real life. Then, of course, there’s the issue of internet buzz and bloggers who like to snark about people with more interesting lives.

The kids started public school for the first time. This seems like a lot to handle in combination with the media blitz, but what do I know? (No one has offered me a reality show). They only went to one day of school so it’s hard to tell yet how the year will play out. The other kids at school were on their best behavior. They didn’t throw rocks at the self-named Plyglets and no one had a “You have Shirley Temple hair” intervention with the daughter that spent 1.5 hours on her hair. There are lots of kids in the family and they may have some safety in numbers.

There was a controversy over the school’s emergency contact forms (this is who they call when your kids get caught huffing glue in art class). Christine sees the publicity as an opportunity finally to be honest and adds her sister wives as “Other Moms” on the form. Janelle labeled the sister wives as “Aunts” which betrayed six generations of polygamists.

I have a question about Christine and her red nose. Does anyone else think she’s taking a nip here and again? Is she a real life Barb Hendrickson? I will devote the last two paragraphs to a Big Love/Sister Wives narrative analysis for fans of both shows, but I definitely think Christine has a hot toddy once in a while.

I love it when the cameras move throughout the family’s house(s?). I’m obsessed with catching glimpses of their style and taste. Christine is a fan of decorating by hanging dried flowers upside down and taping them to the wall. Next to decorated hats on a wall, this is my least favorite form of décor. I also saw some borders adorned with geese and flowers. In the background, I caught a glimpse of the ice blocks that the family stocks up for some religious cult tomfoolery called ice-blocking.

There are just so, so many things to talk about. I’m going to wind it down, but here is a quick Big Love/Sister Wives analysis for fans of both shows:

There are several interesting parallels between this season’s Big Love (the fictional polygamists) and The Brown Family on Sister Wives. Both families opted for public exposure at the end of last season. Both have a narcissistic patriarch that I’d sort of like to punch. Both families also have a wide variety of children that I find difficult to keep track of (excepting Ben and Sarah on Big Love).

I got into some serious analysis on this and here’s my Big Love to Sister Wives conversion. Kody is obviously Bill. Janelle and Christine combine to equal Barb (We need both Jenelle’s common sense and Christine’s management skills to equal one fictional polygamy first wife). Meri is Nikki. I know she’s actually the first wife but I felt there was a better parallel between Meri’s chronic sourpuss and Nikki’s self-interested and judgmental approach to almost everything. Robyn is obviously Margene. No explanations needed there.

How to Survive the Coming Obamacolypse

America is doomed. The signs are everywhere. The economy is collapsing, America is declining in international influence, and the president is, um, ethnic. These are desperate times for Decent Americans© and desperate times call for desperate measures. Fortunately for you, I have scoured the internet to find out the tips that will help you survive the Hobbesian hellscape that will soon be America. Please print this article and post in it your bunker, rumpus room, or wherever it is you plan on riding out socialist/nazi/progressive Armageddon.

We don’t know exactly how America will go down, but let’s look at some of the more likely scenarios.

  • Chinese Take Over. Obama will sell out America to the Reds and we will all be forced to read The Little Red Book. Note: this will be more than most of us have read in a decade. We will be all forced into slave labor and uncomfortable uniforms. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen after this, but it involves foreigners, so it can’t be good.
  • New World Order. Obama will sell out America to rich, shadowy elites. The economy will be gutted and true patriots will be forced into concentration camps. We all get forced vaccinations and tracking chips. However, it looks like they will keep reality TV and beer flowing to hypnotize the masses, so it might not be that bad. Bonus, the government might finally get rid of your irritating cousins in Missouri.
  • Economic Peak Oil Anarchistic Collapse Thingy. Obama will sell out America to foreign economic interests. This is the fun one. Part Mad Max, part Wall Street Journal; this is the one that separates the men from the boys. Expect highwaymen, biker gangs, and (god willing) cannibals. This is a very ammo intensive scenario, and you will be able to barter your daughter’s virtue for 10 gallons of gas.
  • The Tribulation. Jesus is back and he’s totally pissed at Obama and all you commies who voted for him. Rivers of blood with patches of locusts are likely, unless you are raptured up at the beginning (you won’t be, whore). Guns aren’t particularly useful, but you might want to brush up on you Leviticus, because it’s probably going to be more of an Old Testament kind of deal.

What does one bring to the End Times? While it depends a little on the specific dystopian conditions you are facing, but there are always some key supplies useful for any fighter in the Army of the Righteous.

  • Guns, guns, and more guns. Buy ammo now because Hillary Clinton is conspiring to take you guns away. You can never have enough guns, and keep them unlocked and loaded so you can get to them right away when the thugs from the teacher’s union come to take you to patriot detention.
  • At least two years worth of overpriced, crappy dehydrated food. Put this in your basement in an area where it will inevitably get moldy and attract ants. This will piss of your spouse but they will thank you when martial law comes, if you are still married at that point. You can also grow a survival garden, but you will have to protect it from the hordes of marauding drug addicts that have fled the major cities.
  • That Glenn Beck book about the revolution. I guess the sex scenes are pretty lame, but a good way to pass the time until Rand Paul and Michelle Bachman can establish a new territorial government in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
  • Gold, gold, and more gold. Sure, gold is just another arbitrary symbol of value and has no intrinsic worth, but the lady on the shortwave told me I need some. However, you do get some kind of Twilight Zone hubris points if you starve to death in you basement surrounded by 50 pounds of the stuff.

Now you know what’s coming and you have your supplies. Let me give you a few tips

  • Stay away from FEMA! Even though they have the food, medicine, and shelter, somehow they are the bad guys in this and they will make you into Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn.
  • Your neighbors are the enemy, and must be dealt with accordingly. A crisis is no time for community cooperation (fucking progressives). This is every patriot for themselves even if it would be more beneficial for everyone to work together. Someone has to be the asshole on the block that suggests executing the Jenkins kid, be that asshole.
  • Shoot first; let the grand jury sort it out later. Look, maybe you got a little carried away, but the power had been out for 4 hours and there was no air conditioning. A jury of your peers will totally understand that you had to shoot Bob and take his cooler to survive.
  • Plan for the worst so you don’t have to put in the effort to make the best. We could probably avoid a social meltdown if we would all work together in a spirit of compromise and shared values, but who has time for that? Genuine efforts to make America a better place are so boring and non-violent. It’s a lot more entertaining complain about being the victim and troll your neighbors at a city zoning hearing by wearing a side arm.

So now you’re ready. If anyone tries to force you to gay marry or serve on a death panel you can resist just like Patrick Henry, if Patrick Henry had been a crazy, self-centered bastard. Be strong America. President Palin is only a couple of years away. Courage.

 

Vanguard: A Brave New World

Al Gore will save us all. No, seriously. Not only has he hired shouting-mouthpiece Keith Olbermann to try to enlighten the world one withering tirade at a time, he is also responsible for one of the more altruistic news programs on television, and perhaps one you’re not familiar with.

I discovered Current TV’s Vanguard series last summer. Sometime when I was wondering why Terminator: Salvation was on for the seventy millionth time, I came across this show that was so engrossing in such a real way that it left me absolutely stunned. I’ve never encountered documentary journalism like this. I became totally invested, and the subject matter — the plight of Mail Order Brides, drew me in for over an hour. The gritty, documentary style reporting, the raw and unfiltered coverage — it was everything CNN wishes it could do and more. This show is really what investigative journalism is at its core.

With minimal film crews, and lacking in canned monologues, exorbitant speeches, faux-fury, or shock just for shock sake, mostly it focuses on ripping away the trappings of the spoiled Western mindset to offer a glimpse into someone else’s world, willing the observer to absorb their life, their history, their pains, their indignation, and their joys — oftentimes halfway around the world. Inexplicably though, it can feel like it’s too much, like you’re infringing too much, like you’re seeing too much. The empathy and at times embarrassment, depending on the subject matter, is that palpable. And yes, the reporters are not the staunch, grizzled, “newsman” types of yore. Or the perfectly coiffed silver-haired “anchors on assignment” we see now in their muscled shirts and jeans.

The team of Adam Yamaguchi, Christof Putzel, Mariana van Zeller, and Kaj Larsen, representatives of the X and Y generations, who you imagine are never far from their smart phones, laptops, or Facebook pages, but as we watch, they’re walking into shanty towns and discussing topics like open defecation, the lost boys of the soccer trade, and homegrown terrorism, forgetting for once about the prevalence of “me” that permeates young people in the States, and telling stories happening out there, beyond our borders that just need to be told.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHuIoKhMEcw

Which may be what you’d expect from a cable channel run by Al Gore, inventor of the internet, hunter of the manbearpig and exasperated politician. Yes, Mr. Gore has revamped and rekindled this channel and this news-art documentary storytelling in a burgeoning channel that implores you understand the challenges facing our fellow human brethren.

In most instances you just can not look away, because if you do, you feel that you are betraying the teller of the story. The person who has sacrificed much to share with you the most human feelings one can share with another. Truly it is journalism for the new millennium, and as such is worthy of acknowledgment from the “good old boys” in the business. Not that it needs the accolades or acceptance from mainstream media. But it’s earned it, last year as winner of the 69th annual Peabody Award and the 2010 Television Academy Honor Award, the show is truly making its mark. It is one of the only multi-award winning long-form investigative documentary series on cable television, and if you watch, you’ll quickly learn why — it tackles issues others ignore, it goes to places others wouldn’t fathom, and it bravely discusses topics others can’t or won’t cover.

In short, it’s really not your grandmother’s 60 Minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq_8PyRIo_E

Here is a list of other topics covered by the Vanguard team:

 

Presenting the #Crasstalk Comment of the Week

Apparently there was a bit of consternation around here a couple weeks ago. Something about an undersized Italian, a guillotine, and what not?  That’s a shame. I guess he’s your bad witch around these parts. I suppose I’ll just have to keep my eye out.

However, that’s far from what I want to discuss in this little missive. Turns out, a smart, funny, interesting commenter base can prosper regardless of what part of the web they call home. Seeing as how you all qualify as such a group, I think it’s only appropriate to celebrate that.

So, it’s with great pleasure that I present to you a continuing feature: Crasstalk’s Comment Of the Week.

Every Friday, we’ll post the funniest, most interesting, or most informative comments of the previous week.  We’ll be running on a bit of a short week this week, but I’m sure a talented group like this will still have plenty of gems before the week is out.  Hint: This witch is particularly swayed by pithy one-liners, because they make great Someecards like this:

Oh, one thing:  I may be a witch, but I’m not all-seeing.   Much like we ask for a certain level of self-policing, we’d ask for any submissions for Comment of the Week to be sent to [email protected].  You can copy/paste, send screen shots, or forward replies from your email used to set up your ID account.   I plan on clearing the account out every week, and doing the same with the address list, and will not reveal anyone’s identity (in case anyone decides to use their personal email to send along a nomination).

At this point, I don’t have any prizes to hand out, so no ruby slippers for anyone.  Seriously, have you seen what precious stones go for these days?  You’d be better off dropping a house on a bitch if you want a pair that badly.

Have fun!

Your Thoughts Wanted: Sen. Evan Bayh, Glenn Beck and FOX News

Yesterday it was announced that former Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) was joining Fox News as a “political commentator and analyst.”  My initial reaction to this news was to frown and shake my head.  I am, to say the least, not a fan of Fox News.  For the record, I am also not a fan of MSNBC.  But, I’ll get to that in a moment.  I don’t watch Fox News, so this isn’t a criticism of their news coverage or political commentary.  My objection to Fox can really be summed up in two words: Glenn Beck. My problems with this hatemonger are manifold, but I’ll just mention one.  As a Jew, and, ahem, specifically a Reform Jew, I strongly object to Mr. Beck being given a national, mainstream platform to spew his barely cloaked Elders of Zion Jewish world control conspiracy theories.

Because “ratings matters,” I would prefer that my fellow Americans choose to express their disapproval of Mr. Beck by not watching Fox News so long as he is on the network.  By joining Fox, Sen. Bayh, a centrist well-spoken and intelligent man, is not helping in this cause.   This is particularly disappointing to me given the Senator’s involvement in No Labels, an organization founded by a bipartisan group of current and former elected officials, including Independent Mayor Bloomberg, former Republican Congressman Scarborough and former Sen. Bayh, who are “frustrated and concerned about the tone of politics” and believe “hyper-partisanship is destroying our politics and paralyzing our ability to govern.”  Hmmm.

In thinking about this yesterday, I tried to understand how sharing a network with Mr. Beck furthers the goals of No Labels.  When the Bayh news broke, my Facebook page exploded with comments- many echoing this sentiment.  However, there were opposing views. Here is a comment from a friend and political activist:  “But even No Labels has to have a conduit for promoting its message. Mass media is media for the masses, and influencing those masses is how we change the system.”

Ok.  This is a valid point and it got me thinking.  Now, let me move at this point, to why I dislike MSNBC, because it’s relevant here.  First, I find MSNBC and Fox much too partisan and slanted in their reporting to be a news source for my tastes.  I hate surprises.  I’d prefer to have all the facts, mitigating and otherwise, on an issue before I start forwarding around while jumping on my high horse about it.  But, the bigger issue I have with MSNBC is their role in mainstreaming and rehabilitating the noxious racist, Pat Buchanan.

For those used to seeing Pat joshing around with our favorite liberal lesbian, Rachel Maddow, here’s just a sampling of Mr. Buchanan’s less adorable beliefs in his own words:

After Sen. Carol Moseley Braun blocked a federal patent for a Confederate flag insignia, Buchanan wrote that she was “putting on an act” by associating the Confederacy with slavery: “The War Between the States was about independence, about self-determination, about the right of a people to break free of a government to which they could no longer give allegiance.”

On race relations in the late 1940s and early 1950s: “There were no politics to polarize us then, to magnify every slight. The ‘negroes’ of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches; and we had ours.

But, as I thought about my friend’s comment, it occurred to me that Mr. Buchanan does not say these things on MSNBC and doesn’t seem to say them much anymore at all.  Hmmm again.  So, now I’m asking myself: should Mr. Buchanan be shunned for his past horrid behavior or is it better that because of his appearances on MSNBC he seems to actually have moderated his statements, if not his beliefs?  Is it better that, even if he secretly still believes them, he doesn’t say them anymore?

All of which brings me back to Senator Bayh, Glenn Beck and Fox News.  So, now I’m conflicted and not sure where I stand.  Is it possible that, simply by having individuals of Mr. Bayh’s caliber, Fox News may move away from commentators like Glenn Beck?  Is it possible that Sen. Bayh’s participation may temper Mr. Beck’s more unacceptable statements, at least on his Fox News show?  Is it better to take a principled stand against Beck and Fox News or to engage to try to change them?

Hmmm for a third time.  What do you think?

Read More:

Evan Bayh joining Fox News

Glenn Beck’s “monstrous” Soros accusations rile Holocaust survivors, Jewish groups

Southern Poverty Law Center Report, The Second Wave: Return of the Militias, documenting Fox News and Glenn Beck’s race-based conspiracy theories

No Labels

Pat Buchanan in his own words

Senator Bayh on the issues

 

An Outsider’s Look Inside PAX East 2011

1 comment

I married into a strange and foreign culture, with a language and customs I still struggle to understand.

I married a gamer.

My love of gaming was cryogenically frozen circa the Atari 2600, so when my husband made his annual pilgrimage to PAX East this weekend, I thought it might be enlightening (ok, amusing) to tag along and try to absorb as much of the rich and varied traditions of nerd culture as possible.

PAX, or the Penny Arcade Expo, is a massive convention catering to gamers of every stripe – Halo fiends, huddled groups of Magic the Gathering players, LARPers loping through approximated history with katanas and sabers. The spawn of Penny Arcade web comic creators Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik (better known as ‘Tycho’ and ‘Gabe’), it’s been growing steadily since the beginning in 2004 and has now split into two locations each year – Seattle (‘PAX Prime’) and Boston (‘PAX East’). Total attendance for just PAX East this year alone topped 69,500. If you had trouble with your WiFi connection in Boston this weekend, you know why.

Pax East 2011The show floor is the main draw. It’s the glitz and din of Vegas, and the high rollers are using 20-sided dice. At the Duke Nukem Forever booth (made up like a Bellagio side lobby), ‘naughty schoolgirls’ lean into eager fans for staged photo ops. The soft clicks of a thousand Xbox controllers mingle with simulated battlefield roars, and acres of LCD panels flicker with fantastical violence and adventure. It’s quite a thing to behold.

The real show, however, is the crowd. Yes, it is an ocean of nerds. There is no mistaking this for a radiology conference. Yet, what is most striking upon witnessing this massive gathering of an oft-maligned group is the sheer vibrancy and variety of the people within. Everyone is welcome, and everyone is having fun. I may not know my Master Chief from my Big Daddy, but I was made to feel like part of the team by everyone I encountered, from random cosplayers to battle-weary game journalists. And while I may not speak the language here, I had one hell of a time tossing back beers at a dive bar with my new found friends – something I don’t see happening after my upcoming interior design conference.

So…here’s to the nerds of the world. They know a good adventure when they see one.

(Photos courtesy of the author)

Music Therapy Is Fake, Right?

What is music therapy? Why, it’s the therapeutic use of music, provided by a board-certified music therapist! What does that mean? It can mean a lot of things, but today, with the help of my father, I’m going to tell you a bit about music therapy in hospice.

Back when my dad wasn’t in the fast-paced, jet-setting career he enjoys today, he volunteered at a hospice during his free time. For those of you not in the know, a hospice is a place that cares for terminally ill people, who usually have less than 6 months to live. My dad’s job was to keep a woman company for an hour or two a week. We’ll call her Anne. She was in her mid-nineties and as smart as could be, though unable to walk. Dad was very interested in her childhood growing up on a farm, and on the second or third visit, he brought his fiddle to play for her. He played polkas, jigs, and reels, though Anne was partial to waltzes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ek3eCbfqp0

Note: If you’re going to be a music therapist, you’re going to need to know this song.

In short order my father started getting requests from other staff members to play for their folks. “Most of my visits were in the morning. At some point, I stayed and played through lunchtime. Staff members told me that the residents were generally more calm and ate better when I was playing, although I remember some being distracted from eating by my playing too.”

One man in particular loved the music. He was in a wheelchair, and generally non-responsive, but when the music began, he would grunt and rock, and his eyelids would flutter, though his eyes stayed closed. Those who knew him knew what the movements meant and how wonderful the music was for him.

“Another patient, a very sad one, was an ex-physics professor who, I am told, was a professional caliber violinist.  He was clearly very far away mentally.  He did sit to hear me play and he held out his hands to touch the violin, but I do not know how much he was understanding.”

My father is not a board-certified music therapist. He just wanted to help make some people’s days a little brighter. But he inspired me to begin my studies in music therapy as an undergrad, and to pursue the wealth of research in music therapy and the use of therapeutic music. With my rich education, clinical experience, and soon, my six-month internship, I discovered how to use the different parts of music – rhythm, melody, pitch, lyrics, instrumentation, and especially cultural or personal significance – to achieve meaningful, nonmusical goals.

In hospice, this may be helping a patient manage their pain, reflect on their life, work through grief, and think about their own mortality. You’ll also find music therapists in schools, hospitals, physical and substance rehabilitation centers, psychiatric units, and in private practice. We work with people of all ages on social, emotional, physical, mental, academic, and spiritual goals – helping a child on the autism spectrum build a tolerance for noise, leading discussions on sobriety, motivating a patient with a traumatic brain injury through their rehab (Rep. Gabby Giffords made leaps and bounds with her music therapist), and so much more.

Music therapy can only be provided by board-certified music therapists, but that doesn’t mean we have a monopoly on music itself! You don’t have to take classes, or even know how to play an instrument, to enjoy and benefit from music. Just play your favorite song, or breathe deeply and hum your own tune. See? You already feel better.