Ahhhh yeah baby. I’m way too excited for this. I know you Crasstalkers have been ready and waiting for today since last week so here we go.
Sam Cooke is a beautiful man with a beautiful voice. This song is so heart-breaking, so wistful, so poignant. There aren’t enough adjectives that are fitting for this song.
Now, let’s get funky with The Staples Singers. Roebuck “Pops” Staples, the patriarch of the family, formed the group with his children Cleotha, Pervis, Yvonne, and Mavis. Fun fact: Bob Dylan wanted to marry Mavis and asked for her hand in marriage. Can you imagine the talent their kid would have had?
Let me to just also add that videos from Soul Train’s Soul Train line will not be turned away. If you have been to a wedding and not done a Soul Train line, you have not lived.
Happy Friday. Hope you are ready to wind up the week and start a great weekend. Today is Flashback Friday so I am going to give you a little tease of what is too come later today. Continue reading →
Last week we got a gander at the plastic monstrosity that was the new Wonder Woman costume. We were furious! We were confused! Mostly we just thought spending $19.95 for a Party City Halloween Shit-Suit was silly! Well, there have been new developments.
Apparently, NBC has heard all of our copious concerns about the epic tragedy that was a blue car tarp stretched out over a lady’s body. You see, they must have gone back to the drawing board and decided that the total effort wasn’t flawed. Why, no. What the costume from Hefty really needed was a color change, and maybe pants that were a bit less blue, but nonetheless still existent. (I favor the traditional get-up, and not these star-spangled hotpants.)
So here, behold what NBC has devised as a workable compromise. Is this any better? (Update is on left. Original look is on right.)
Holy Christmas Crapsack! I don’t think this is better. No, no I don’t. Is she a bag of lettuce in a grocery cart? What’s with all the ill-fitting rumpleness? Seriously. Why does it look like nothing about this fits? It’s like a prom dress with an out-of-shape bodice that the debutante has to keep pulling up lest her ta-tas fall out during the awkward Glamour Shots photo. She needs more support, spaghetti straps, less silicone….something, anything.
We collectively saw no need for the high-heeled boots. They were totally non-functional for a crime fighter, so the addition of flats here is a good choice, and the traditional red is an improvement…but they still just look so cheap. Like they just painted a pair of the blue ones and removed the heel. Is that what they did? It looks like it. Urgh. While getting rid of the shiny pants is better, replacing them with blue thermal underwear, and affixing a few gold stars, just seems like a quick fix. Everything about this still says, “We don’t know what we’re doing.”
I guess David E. Kelley probably likes this immensely, because I don’t believe the television law provocateur really understands superhero fiction. So I imagine he’s comfortable with his new action star looking like she stepped out of a lady wrestling episode from the late 1980’s.
Here she is doing some action type things…er, robotically.
What do you guys think? Is this a fair improvement?
No less than 14 little birds have been very active on Facebook in the last few hours, all singing close enough to the same tune that I’m confident in breaking this story.
I hardly need to tell this audience that Gawker’s audience is in serious decline, not coincidentally since we all left. They’re now having to start selling off blogs.
Desperately trying to get the magic back, Gawker Media is trying to recapture what made the site great. And the word is a number of our very own crasstalkers have had 30 pieces of silver dangled in front of them to return their particular brand of genius. And that they’re about to sign on the dotted line! Oh, the shame.
What’s the deal guys? Are you really willing to go to the dark side and turn your back on the users here? I think we deserve an explanation.
UPDATE: It’s even worse than I originally thought. It seems like the management here is literally selling us back to Gawker. I am not sure if the point is to keep Crasstalk going under the Gawker banner or if they just want to close it down. This is a sad day for all of us.
Good evening Crasstalk. Hope you had a good day. We have couple of quick announcements this evening, please look them over.
We really need some more posts for tomorrow and the upcoming weekend. If you have been thinking about putting something together now is the time. A lot of people who asked for author accounts haven’t actually written a post yet. If you need help please just let me know and I can help you get started.
On a related note, there will be another Writer’s Workshop this Sunday to help people come up with and develop post ideas.
Please share the articles you like on social networkign sites. We have had some really neat articles around here lately so please give the writers some love by showing off their work.
OK, now that we have all that covered let’s have a little fun.
Like many, when I stumble upon good music, I feel that the divine order of life would not continue would I not be able to proselytize my current loves to everyone I see. Thank GOD for the internet. Makes indoctrination so much easier (and more annoying) to reach the masses. So for the past couple of years I have been exploring the world that has opened up to me through Latin artists who would’ve ordinarily escaped my radar (and my radar is pretty international). In any case, I thought it might be fun to make a small introductory post so maybe there might be someone you discover too.
Manu Chao / Mano Negra
Along with his brother and cousin, Manu Chao was a co-founder of Mano Negra, one of the most influential alternative bands to come out of France in the 80s and one that I will forever and ever and ever regret not seeing when they came to my small town when I was studying in France. Mixing rock, ska, punk, reggae, flamenco and raï influences along with singing in Spanish (mostly), French, English and even Arabic, they became legends in Europe and Latin America. Today Manu Chao carries the torch in his solo work, focusing on social and political themes in the Latin world. He is involved with many side projects and happily, continues to play Mano Negra’s music and still incorporates it in his work now.
Cerati is an artist that I have been recently introduced to and is a huge legend in his homeland, Argentina. He was a founder of the 80s alternative group Soda Stereo and were the first Latin group to become successful throughout Central and South America have influenced numerous groups. Since the band broke up in 1997, Cerati has gone on to do much successful solo work. Last year in May, he collapsed on stage due to a stroke during a gig in Venezuela and has remained in a coma ever since.
Another South American legend from Colombia. Juanes started out his career in a heavy metal band named Ekhymosis, eventually moving on to rock and pop music. Much of his music is influenced from traditional Colombian folk songs and although fluent in English, insists on singing in his native Spanish since he says it is the language that he thinks and feels in. Juanes is also extremely dedicated to charity work and has taken on the cause of eradicating land mines from his homeland. Also, I am going to see him next week in concert and am so freaking excited about it.
An extremely popular Mexican-American singer from Long Beach, California but grew up in Tijuana, Mexico. Having collaborated with the legendary producer Gustavo Santaolalla who also gave Juanes his start , Julieta sings in Spanish and her music is heavily nuanced with classical Mexican accordion and is very melodic. In concert she also does a mean cover of “Love Cats” by the Cure. She has done a myriad of collaborations including and is a friend of…
Ok, this girl…. I have not had her off of my iPod since her second album came out last spring. A Chilean rapper originally born in France, her family moved back to Chile after Pinochet had left power. Much of her music deals with personal themes, is inspired by classic hip-hop and first got much attention with her collaboration with Julieta Venegas on “Eres Para Mi”. She has received much critical acclaim for her work and was the second Chilean artist ever to be nominated for a Grammy in the Best Latin Rock, Alternative, or Urban Album category. Personally, I can’t say enough about her and have been disappointed that I’ve missed a few opportunities to see her last year when she came around promoting the album. (Soon…..)
Lastly, in our little tour of Latin music, I’d like to mention Mala Rodriguez. I got introduced to her thanks to Pandora last year and is also another one of the artists that I can’t get off my iPod. I don’t know a ton about her but she is a rapper from Cádiz, Spain and incorporates flamenco influences into her music which includes themes of poverty, racism, domestic violence, and female empowerment. She won a Latin Grammy this year in the category of Best Urban Song and was nominated for Best Urban Album.
I know that I am missing just volumes of information on some of these artists but I deliberately tried to keep it light with an aim of whetting your appetite, not become an encylopedia (which Wikipedia does so much better). Hopefully you will enjoy discovering these Latin artists (if you already haven’t) and are influenced to seek out more. I’m hoping that with the rise of more Spanish language music making it in the American mainstream, we will see more and more artists continue to break through and enjoy much success in our traditionally English-dominated market.
In the early days, Crasstalk was a backwater with few visits but so many great things to share. To help bring some of those early posts to light we present Crasstalk Classic. Our latest classic post goes all the way back to December 2010 when cacahuate showed us where to drink great beer in a city that really loves its beer.
21st Amendment Brewery – Brewery/ Full Bar/Restaurant – South of Market – An awesome place to have lunch or dinner, in a big rustic old warehouse. They brew their own but also have a few guest handles that change seasonally. I think they have moved most of the brewing off-site at this point, but occasionally they still do small batches on-site. No tour, unfortunately. Beers of note: Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer, Monk’s Blood Belgian Dark Ale.
City Beer Store – Retail/Beer only – South of Market – A small and friendly place to sit down and enjoy some weirdbeers, buy bottled beers to go, or both. A huge selection to choose from. Really, if you can’t find it anywhere, they probably have it here.
Anchor Brewing – Brewery/Tours – Potrero Hill – A stalwart institution in SF. Fritz Maytag recently sold the brewery (however, Fritz is still making his own wine, and distilling some damn good gin, whiskey, and other spirits). The best thing about Anchor is they have a free tour (you need to call and make reservations up to 6 months in advance, but it is so worth it). It’s about a 45 minute tour, extremely informative if you are not familiar with the brewing process, and the brewery itself is beautiful. AND you get to sample most of their beers at the end of the tour. Did I mention it’s free? If you can only go to one place on this list, this would be the one. Beers of note: Christmas Ale (different every year, they really have fun with this one), Summer Beer, the original Anchor Steam, Old Foghorn Barleywine Style Ale.
Speakeasy – Brewery/Tours – Bayview/Hunter’s Point – Another local brewery. Firkin Friday Open House (4-9pm, tour at 4pm sharp). On tap in many places locally. Best hoodies and t-shirts (if you go for schwag), their logo is awesome. Beers of note: Big Daddy IPA. Also, just FYI, for some reason lots of hotties (burly, tattooed, bearded, Carhart and workboot wearing dudes) work there. We got a Christmas card one year from them, and I can’t even tell you how many friends of mine made a beeline right for it once they spotted the group photo on the front of the card.
Toronado/Rosamunde – Bar/Sausage Grill – Lower Haight– Toronado is the place for a beer geek. About 50 beers on draft, and many, many more available in bottles. Lots of Belgian beers here. Also the site of the once a year Barleywine festival, which is always a total zoo (next year’s dates are 2/19/11-2/21/11). I love this place because it is next door to Rosamunde Sausage Grill, so you can get a snack and take it next door into the Toronado to enjoy with your beer.
MagnoliaBrewery – Brewery/Food – Upper Haight – Great food, great beers. In the heart of the Haight, on a street corner with wraparound windows for excellent people watching. Draft and cask conditioned ales available. Beers of note: too many to list, I have never had a beer here that I didn’t like.
Zeitgeist – Bar/Food – Mission – Friday happy hour here is one of the best in the City. Kind of a dive, but in nice weather take it out back in their huge beer garden littered with picnic tables. They have a full kitchen and barbecue (the burgers are off the hook). Not for the meek or faint of heart. Lots of bike messengers, bikers, and assorted characters. Best Bloody Mary’s anywhere.
Lucky 13 [no website of their own] – Bar – Castro/Upper Market – Very good selection of beers on tap. Strong drinks, loud music, badass rocker chick bartenders. Outdoor patio in back. A similar vibe to Zeitgeist.
Rogue – Bar/Restaurant – North Beach – An outdoor beer garden out back, perfect for relaxing in on nice days. Food can be uneven, but delicious Rogue beers on draft and guest handles too. A comfortable neighborhood joint with friendly bartenders and staff, in the heart of North Beach.
La Trappe – Bar/Restaurant – North Beach – A very cool Belgian bistro and restaurant. The food is great, the beer selection is mind-boggling. Has a very awesome grotto-like “cave” downstairs in the basement, great for hanging out with lots of people. Michael (the co-owner) is a true beer nerd and very friendly.
Beach Chalet – Brewery/Restaurant – Outer Richmond/Golden Gate Park – on the Great Highway and across from Ocean Beach. Very scenic. A nice place to take the parental units or entertain out of towners. Good brunch on the weekends.
Trips Out Of The City (And Not Necessarily Breweries)
St. George Distillery – Spirits/Tour – Alameda – Take the ferry across the bay and it’s a pleasant half-mile walk from the dock. They have an amazing operation here, and there is a tasting room, so have a designated driver if you decide to drive. They make several iterations of Hangar One Vodka (the Kaffir Lime is to die for), St. George Single Malt, Absinthe, and tequila (but they can’t call it that). This distillery was featured on Tony Bourdain’s No Reservations show, the one where they tasted Fois Gras vodka (“fois-dka”), which is not available at the distillery, or anywhere, and probably for good reason.
Lagunitas Brewery – Brewery/Tours/Food – Petaluma (Marin County) – These guys like the hops (heh), and they even have a censored beer (The Kronik Censored Rich Copper Ale). Tours available if you call. “TapRoom and Beer Sanctuary” on site. Worth the trip out of the city. Beers of note: Lagunitas IPA, Hop Stoopid (22 oz), IPA Maximus, Lagunitas Brown Shugga’.
Elton John and Bernie Taupin created the songs that are the soundtracks to major motion pictures, Broadway musicals and generations of people the world over. So what would this week come down to? SONG CHOICE! With all the perfect, amazingly written and arranged songs the John/Taupin duo has gifted to the universe, of course it would come down to song choice, wouldn’t it? Because America voted off Casey last week, and the judges shot him from a cannon right back into the competition the coveted one-time-only Judges Save, we had eleven contestants to serenade us. Eleven will enter; nine will return. Oh the drama! Let’s go to the tape.
**Author’s Note: I wonder when American Idol’s interns will realize that the video link to the performances on the American Idol page says “What the performances again” (yes, I typed that correctly).
Wheat:
Hey. Where’s your boyfriend? He’s gone isn’t he? Yeah, mine too. That little tart Hailey slinked on the piano, dismounted the thing with the grace of a baby bird leaving the nest for the first time, and then finished her delivery of a sassy, jazzy version of…Benny and the Jets? Yep. The love child of Joan Osborne and Natasha Bedingfield found her sweet spot and created “a moment” for herself. Good for her. Goooooood fooooor her.
Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Randy back-peddling faster than Seacretin after announcing that his boyfriend’s name is Julian. He means Julianne! Julianne Hough, the female country singer/Dancing with the Stars champion! What were you thinking? The back-peddling is because Pia gave Randy the big middle finger and went with “Don’t Think I’m Not Gonna Sing Whatever The Hell I Want Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” It was another ballad, not something up-tempto, and she sang it so well that she made The Old Lady cry inside. Not the gentle cry of a few tears, but the howling ugly cry, contorted face and all. Oh, that’s how she normally looks? I see…
Our disembodied, back from the dead, gingerbread head got a beard trim. Nope. Still not talking about Ryan’s girlfriend – sheesh! Casey actually trimmed his unruly firebush upon the recommendation from one of the producers that he cut it off so that America can see his face. He didn’t go all the way, but we finally could see that there was something attaching his cranium to his corpus. Fact of the matter is, he picked THE SONG, “Your Song,” and he sang it well. It wasn’t Ewan McGregor in the elephant but it was sweet and heart-felt and that’s exactly how that song should be sung.
Little Lauren ain’t worried about a hot dang thing. She’s so solid in this. I would not be surprised if she Carrie Underwood-ed this entire season. Just you watch. On a related note, this may be our first all female final since season 3.
Chaff
Presented without comment:
What’s that you say, Country Crooner? You picked the only Elton song that had the word “country” in it? You don’t say. Lack of creativity? Check. Safe bet? Not so fast. But our little Crooner add-libbed a “Love you, grandma!” right into the middle of his song the hearts of the elderly ladies across this fine country of ours just melted. Puke. Truth is, every song he sings sounds like every other song he sings which sounds like every song you’ve heard on country radio. So, what happens to him on Idol hardly even matters. He’ll head to Nashville and get a recording contract.
African Earth Mother just booked her job at The Sandals resort in Montego Bay for a season. Good thing, Naima, because America is done with you. Well, except that many will see you on their honeymoon and at some point during your performance of the reggae version of “Sweet Caroline,” Kathy will turn to her new husband Bo, and ask him if he remembers where she’s seen this woman before. He will take a sip of his piña colada, slap his hand against his thigh, turn to Kathy and say “I don’t know, babe.” Kathy will continue to wonder about this as Diana DeGarmo joins Naima on the stage for a rousing rendition of “When You Believe.”
What’s a male diva called? A divo? Well, folks. Our resident over-singer Jacob went full-on D-I-V-O last night. He was just standing there in the middle of the stage singing “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” as the building crashed down around him, people fled the theater, stars exploded in the sky as our divo manned the stage like the captain of the Titanic.
Remember Michigan J. Frog? Okay, Stefano is my Michigan J. Frog. I carry him around in a shoe box and when it’s just me and him, he comes out with gleaming smile, his top hat and cane and just puts on a show! And then I put him back in his shoe box and take him to The Old Lady, Venus from the Block and the Dawg, and he just sits there. I even try to take him to a bar and show the locals what he can do so maybe I can get some free drinks and still, nothing. He’s infuriatingly inconsistent! I fear Stefano will always be Almost Famous.
Where does one find a rose-covered suit, an Elvis-impersonator’s garage sale? He’s like a magician with his bright white Julia Roberts smile, and his fake tan and his perfectly placed hair: look over here so you don’t see what’s going on over here which is the slow murder of your ears. Again, I just can’t with this guy.
TOE-TOUCH! I have been momentarily rendered speechless.
How do you solve a problem like Megia? She is a woman-child. Poor thing thinks she has to prove herself by singing songs that are much, much older than she is. I get it, I guess. She’s a bebe but doesn’t want to seem like the goofy, awkward girl who can’t walk in heels (she can’t) in a world of hardened performers who have been dropping CD’s at studios for years and performing in Coffee Plantations all over Los Angeles. Doesn’t work. Never has. Is Randy Jackson married? I noticed a ring. Anyhoo…
As the house boy band returned to the mansion, all but one sharing a knowing look before retreating to their respective rooms, Casey sat alone in the quiet and darkened kitchen. He knows. He knows they are all plotting against him. He knows that for the rest of this competition, he has a target on his back. But he also knows that tonight, he did it. He did it. He picks himself up from the table, gives props to the Taylor Hicks in the sky, and retires to his room to sing another day.
Bottom Three: Thia Megia, Stefano, Naima
UPDATE/SPOILER ALERT: Well that wasn’t a surprise. Our bird of paradise, Naima, and baby bird, Thia Megia, flew away tonight. Remember, if you love something, VOTE FOR IT ON AMERICAN IDOL or it will die a slow death of a reality TV star.
This is the true story of five All-Stars, picked to cook on an island, work together, and have their lives taped. To find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being total culinary douchebags… you should probably keep reading.
It’s been such a long journey to the finale that we could just mise en plotz! But before we do, it’s time to crown Top Chef’s first ever “Best Chef of All the Chefs Who Proved Not to Be the Best in Other Seasons,” and before we do that, we need a little background on the season that was.
The season started with 18 chefs, but the combination of too much salt and too much crazy quickly whittled the contenders down to the five (it was supposed to be four, but apparently, no one sucked enough to get booted, which was super convenient considering how many episodes were left in the season!) who’d be going on to the finals in the Bahamas:
In this corner, we have the itch you can’t scratch, the rash that refuses to go away, the houseguest that won’t leave, Tiffany “I’m From Beaumont, Bitches” Derry!
In this corner, weighing in at five-foot-awesome with three ounces of pot, we have Antonia Lofaso, Purveyor of Perfect Food, Champion (well, 4th place) of Chi-Town, Tigress of the Toque! (And the toke, too!)
In this corner, hailing all the way from Fraggle Rock, the Selcouth of the South, the Chicken Pot Pie Perfecter, the Spectacle in Spectacles, Carla “Hootie Hoo” Hall!
And in this corner, weighing 145 pounds…more than he did last season, the Robber of Recipes, the Beast from the East, Mike “I’m with stunad” Isabella!
And, in the center of it all, stands the Lord of Liquid Nitrogen, Atlanta’s own Jimmy Neutron, the super-flammable Richard Blais!
From L to R: Tiffany, Richard, Mike, Antonia, and Carla
Of course, only two would remain standing for the finale, and after cooking for Bohemian royalty, rocking out with their conchs out, and cooking last suppers for some lusty chefs, MikeyNeck “Jersey Douche” Isabella and Richard “When did he become such a dick?” Blais emerged victorious. Let the games begin!
Gratuitous Padma Shot
The big challenge is essentially a mini-variation on Restaurant Wars: Cook the four-course meal of your life and put it on the menu of a pretend restaurant with a pretend name even though you’re serving it at a real restaurant with a real name. The two cheftestants immediately get to discussing which of the previously ousted chefs they would take on as sous chefs and writing slanderous comments about them in their Burn Book. After a few games of MASH and doing each other’s hair, they discuss their super secret strategies for the competition, because nothing screams “brilliant competitors” like discussing your plan with your opponent. (Although, to be fair, if they didn’t, Mike would’ve just stolen Blais’s from his notebook anyway.) Mike immediately declares that he would bang choose Jenn Carroll, because despite her crazy blowouts and monumental exit, she’s still hot a great chef. As it turns out, Blais too wants Jenn C, though not necessarily in a sexual way, as well as Angelo, also not necessarily in a sexual way.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who they think is awesome, because they’re forced to choose blind: each previously ousted chef’s amuse bouche is laid out before them, and they are to choose their teammates based on whose bouche amuses them the most. Mike is pretty blatant about simply attempting to pick out which one is Jenn’s (and which one isn’t Marcel’s) but the static generated by Blais’s hair interrupts their BFF connection and Mike ends up with three non-Jenn ladies, in the forms of Tiffani, Jamie, and Carla. (H/T to Psshwhatever for her brilliant and oh-so-telling tweet: “Funny that Mike always denigrates the female chefs and then just picked 3 of them, blind, based only on their food to help him.”) Blais gets a little closer to his original wishlist, successfully selecting Angelo in addition to Spike and Antonia. As Marcel leaves, everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief and toasts his departure with champagne and an impromptu dance party.
Now comes the important part: naming their restaurants. Blais, ever-the-whimsical (as he’ll be the first to tell you in a super serious voice as he comes close to tears and is clearly on the verge of vomiting), selects “Tongue & Cheek” as his restaurant’s name, which is both cute and kinda gross. Mike, in tribute to his youth, names his “Restaurant Iz,” after what we can only assume is his pre-op moniker.
Source: Videogum. Obviously.
On to the menus! Over on Team Iz, Mikey’s Angels’ suggestions are being roundly ignored by Captain Douche, who knows exactly what he wants: chocolate vinaigrette, plus some other stuff. Team Blais, on the other hand, is “ultra-collaborative” from the minute that tank of liquid nitrogen is opened. Blais’s plan is a protein explosion of sorts, to be capped off with a delicious Cap’n Crunch ice cream–wait, what’s that? I’m sorry, we’ve just gotten word from the godawful-decisions portion of Blais’s brain that he’ll be replacing Cap’n Crunch ice cream with foie gras ice cream instead. Fantastic. No chance that’ll turn out disgusting and lead all the judges to vomit on camera. None at all.
Enter Tom, who informs Mike that no one saw him getting into the finale. Like, nobody. His own mother is surprised that he has any skill. Shockingly, he has no such words for Blais, who’s pretty much been the favorite since before the cast was even announced. Now exit Tom, because it’s time for judging!
The cheftestants are set up at two different restaurants, each one with its own panel of judges. (Don’t worry—they’ll switch when they’re done!) Padma is captain of the blue team, which consists of legendary chefs Lydia Bastianich and Hubert Keller plus another guy who just so happens to be the man behind all the ridiculously unsubtle wine product placement. They begin at Tongue & Cheek and are treated to Blais’s “surf ‘n turf” menu which consists of:
Raw oyster with crème fraiche pearls
Raw hamachi with fried veal sweetbreads, garlic mayonnaise, and pickled celery
Pork belly, black cod cutlet, bone marrow, beets, Brussels sprouts, and kumquat
Beef short ribs with mushrooms, red cabbage marmalade, and celery root horseradish puree
Foie gras ice cream with cornbread and whipped mango
The dining went well, and we saw the judges thoroughly enjoying the food. You know who else saw them enjoying the food? Top Chef’s own Spike “Mata Hari” Mendelssohn, aka Spy-ke, who eavesdropped on the judges comments with all the subtlety of Ke$ha while rocking one of his trademark Carmen Sandiego fedoras. However, his skills as a dick secret agent proved to be extremely useful, as he convinced Richard to fix up his revamped dessert to make it look a little more fit for a fancy feast instead of just looking like Fancy Feast.
At the same time, Tom and his crew—Gail Simmons, Art Smith, and host of the upcoming Top Chef Masters and all-around hot guy Curtis Stone are being served Mike’s Italian-influenced menu (did you know Mike was Italian? In other shocking news, Tiffany’s from Beaumont) of:
Spiced beets with mozzarella truffle and chocolate vinaigrette
Halibut with kumquat marmalade, cauliflower puree, and pancetta crumbs
Glazed pork shoulder with pepperoni sauce(!), roasted cabbage, and turnips
Rosemary caramel custard and pine nuts with citrus, celery, and apple
After catching their breath from multiple foodgasms, the judges took their place at the judgement table that totally hides the fact that they are wearing pajama pants. The judges had high praise for nearly all the food, which is especially meaningful for Mike because it is the first time he has actually pleased a woman. Gail admits to bathing in Mike’s pepperoni sauce because it makes her skin glow and rack huge. Tom can barely contain himself, exclaiming to Richard, “Hachi machi! That was some great hamachi!”
It’s time for the big announcement and friends and family gather around for the results. Noticeably absent was Richard’s wife who was only moments away from giving birth to a fauxhawk. Fortunately, Mike’s wife, who is 69 times more attractive than he should be able to get, could make it because she refuses to spawn with Mike as giving birth to a child who inherits his neck-size is not a risk she is willing to take. Channeling her inner-Seacrest, Padma pauses dramatically before revealing who will win the 200,000 Buitoni raviolis. The winner is… RICHARD BLAIS! Mikey rolls his eyes, Richard tears up, Antonia smiles with a blunt between her lips, Padma and Gail make out, Tom and Tre rub each others bald heads, and Carla runs around in a circle screaming “Beeeeeeeeef Tongue.”
And so, another season of Top Chef comes to an end. Blais can finally emerge from the padded cell where he’s spent the past two-and-a-half years in his rocking chair, contemplating his loss, and Mike and his wife can finally consummate their marriage, much to her chagrin. But, since only Blais leaves the show with a prize, we think it only fair that Mike at least get a musical sendoff, and so, from one New Jersey-ite to another… goodbye, JD. You truly did go down in a blais of glory.
DahlELama and The_Obvious both wanted Richard to win, but, more importantly, wanted Mike to lose. They hope that Carla will one day get her own show, preferably a variety hour featuring humorous skits, whimsical songs, and animal guests. They wish Antonia many happy snacks and choose never to think about Tiffany again.
During its nearly five-year storied history, Twitter has remained steadfast in its commitment to bringing the best…or just bringing 140 character expressions from individuals around the world. The Twitterverse is filled with eclectic characters and contemporary celebrities who have filled the ether with their random thoughts on life, love and luxury.
In this weekly series, Danzing and Dancing Queen will risk brain cells and credibility scouring the Twitterscape to bring you the best of Twitter. We will then perform dramatic recitations of these tweets for your listening pleasure. Please, enjoy.
