I know most of you are nursing your St. Patrick’s Day hangover so why not make it better with a little Gin and Juice, laaaaaaaaid back. Yo! MTV Raps was a groundbreaking show where real rap aired on MTV for 2 hours a day. Meaning, that was the only time MTV aired rap videos. Weird, right? Doctor Dre (not that one) and Ed Lover hosted, with Fab Five Freddy taking over the mic on the weekends (thanks, Death_by_SnuSnu). Let’s all do the Ed Lover dance:
We lost a hip hop star this week (not to East Coast, West Coast beef). Nate Dogg was part if the West Coast crew under Dr. Dre (that one) and known for his collaborations. Here’s a nice write-up about him. RIP Nate Dogg. Pour some out for him, homies.
The Dirty Dozen made us feel old by singing songs from the year they were born. No one on the show was born in the 70’s. Heck, only one person was born in the early 80’s. Before we get to the dirty, dirty and they are dirty because more than one of them was sick this week EWWW GERMS!, can we talk about The Old Lady judge? The one who wears all her old tchotchke jewelry from that trip to New Orleans she took 40 years ago along with her blouses from American Idol sponsor, Cache? She is not at all helpful. Everything is “beautiful” or “fantastic” and she loves all of it. Waaaaaaiiiiit aaaaaaa minuuuuuuuute. It’s Paula, isn’t it? How could this not have occurred to me by until this point? The wacky clothes, the over-accessorizing, the non-sensical comments, the fondness for pain killers. Now that I have context for The Old Lady, let’s move on.
PaulaPaula?
OH KATE HUDSON WAS THERE! Preggers and literally covering her face with the remnants of two mini-bags of chips with Cheetos-cheese-covered- fingers because Seacretin gave her no warning that he was about to put her on camera. Maybe she will kill him for doing that to her. I’m going to pray to the baby Jesus that this will happen. Okay, maybe not kill but just muss his hair which would like killing to Seacreature. Also in the audience was So You Think You Can Dance’s resident screamer, Mary Murphy, which makes me very happy. I can’t wait until SYTYCD starts! But for now, let’s review those Idol pipes, shall we?
Six of One:
David Archuletta Part Deux (seriously, his story is very similar to little David’s, read: overbearing dad) sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now like he’s had his heart broken a 1000 times over, right down to the voice crack at the end. It was good and his best performance of the season AND the best of the night until…
This season’s winner (did I say that out loud?), Pia took the stage and KILLED IT! I mean, really. She is so freaking hot and can so sing! I think J-Lo needs to be ready to pitch Venus razors exclusively because I’ve seen the future, and it looks like Pia – a raven-haired goddess in a white satin jumpsuit, hold the Spanx. It’s as if J-Lo has been cloned and made in the form of Pia but Pia can actually sing. Now, Pia, take this as a warning because you really can win this thing – STOP SINGING EPIC SONGS BY EPIC SINGERS. It will come back to get you at some point and your fall from the top will be tremendous. No more Whitney. No more Celine. No one in their category, mmmmkay?
The disembodied gingerbread head that is Casey went for it with Nirvana. That’s right, Nirvana. And not just any Nirvana – the anthem that is Smells Like Teen Spirit. He brought out his big bass, which I love him for, and he did his best Dave Mathews dance and angry Ewok face and for the most part he pulled it off. He starts to make sense a bit more when you see the clips of his old people parents who are smart hippie types.
Trisha Yearwood, Junior was drunk on her anti-flu meds and almost giggled herself right off her chair while she was being interviewed by Seacrest. Now, I know you aren’t supposed to talk about anyone’s mamma but the pink, plaid newsboy cap? No. Seriously. I think her parents were on Teen Mom:The Prequel. Do you think they realized she was singing a song by big ol’ cancer survivor, Melissa Etheridge? Trisha Junior is what you call a raw talent. There is a Kelly Clarkson quality to her. She can do country but she kinda rocked it out, too. Speaking of rocking it out…
Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt sang Bon Jovi’s I’ll Be There For You. I wonder if the producer thought he was actually Baby Gay Kurt because he told him not to kiss anyone. Apparently, Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt and some of the other boys have a little “house band” at the Idol mansion. What does that sound like? Do you think they sit around on an overturned drum, a steel three-legged stool and the stoop just bangin’ away and free-styling? Yeah, me either. He did alright but his schtick is getting old, really quickly.
Karen broke into her “ethnic what it is-ness” again – The Old Lady’s words, not mine. What The Old Lady was talking about was the Spanish language. Karen came out looking like a Mexican Barbarella; ironic since she sang Love Will Lead You Back, and sang a verse in Spanish like a good racehorse should. She’s probably safe because she sang in Spanish while wearing black thigh-high boots.
Half a Dozen of the Other:
African Earth Mother Naima tried again to bring in da noise, bring in da funk. Instead, she brought in some pitchy Tina Turner. There is so much talent there but she can’t seem to get it together for the show. The clips of her rehearsing look like she’s going to slay it but then – disappointment.
Okay, look. As in LOOK AT THIS F*CKING HIPSTER! He took on one of the greatest, most soulful songs ever, Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues and just…well…let’s just say that when I came to, my clothes were ripped, I had a terrible headache, my skin was greenish and my living room table was smashed to pieces. Apparently he was sick but that doesn’t excuse his awkward Rod Stewart impression. I just can’t with him.
Pocahontas. That is all.
Well aren’t these little Idol hopefuls cocky? Two Whitney Houston songs in one night? I’m about to drive to California, take Whitney sans Bobby back to Isreal to be cleansed and sobered up, and bring her to Idol so show these whippersnappers a thing or two about how to blow. That girl you hated in high school took on I’m Your Baby Tonight and now I feel like we should all register as sex offenders. But it’s not our fault! She looked 18! Anyway, it was so creepy; it was somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and Teen Mom.
Little Scotty is the only real American in this competition. You know why? Because he sings America’s music, country music, and only real Americans sing country music. I don’t have a clue what song he was singing, nor does it matter. All his earnestness is exhausting.
Listen, there is no reason to add a clap-track under each song, especially a Heart song. These things shouldn’t have to be said. Also things that don’t need to be said – don’t sing songs that MADE former Idols. Carrie Underwood sealed the deal when she sang Alone on her season. Our resident over-singer had the coveted last spot. The last spot is like your grandmother’s favorite Hummel, the one with the little girl and boy hugging on the bench that she found at a Hummel convention. Jacob picked up that Hummel, threw it to the ground and screamed at it for lying there all broken apart. He got the last spot on the show and he destroyed it. Grandmother will be sad.
In both the comments and on the Facebook group I’ve noticed a recurring theme. Many of you seem to be having trouble with image uploading/editing. Even if you’re not a writer here this should provide some useful information.
For the thumbnail the image needs to be 455 pixels by 280 pixels. This will be at 72dpi. Easily put, dpi is a big part of the picture’s resolution. Let’s not go into dpi too much, just know that the web operates at 72 as a standard. This also means that if you want an image to take the whole column spread of your article it will need to be 455px as well and at full-size. Full-size is one of the picture editing options when you upload it.
When you re-size a picture watch your relative size. If it starts out tiny just because you can make it bigger doesn’t mean it will look good. Visible pixelation is not pretty! You will have to eyeball this which means you need a decent imaging program. Many of you have Photoshop I’m sure, and as the industry-standard it’s indeed dandy…if you know how to use it properly. However, Photoshop is expensive and I will not be writing an article on how to get a hacked copy anytime soon. Uh…try 4chan at your own risk? I dunno. Seriously, don’t. Therefore I have a couple of alternatives because if you are using MS Word or the ilk, you’re doing it wrong.
If you are on a PC you can use Thumba. You will need to install Silverlight first but if you stream Netflix you already have it, so not a big deal. Thumba is one of the best online image editing free-services I’ve found. Easy to learn, fairly intuitive, not an eyesore, unfortunately though…not for Mac.
If you’re on a Mac or just want something more heavy-duty try GIMP for Mac or PC. Gimp is damn near Photoshop for free. It’s an absolutely brilliant program. I can’t believe they give it away. It’s less user friendly than Thumba. Steeper learning curve. You might actually have to read the accompanying information a little but it’s great if you need to actually alter or repair your images which I’d not suggest on Thumba per se. Gimp also has a huge cult following including brushes & scripts on DeviantArt if you want to play!
I will happily answer other image editing questions. Keep in mind I am not a WordPress expert, just a computer artist.
Edit: Looks like the image source on a few different browsers actually lists the final header image size as 600×260 pixels. I apologise for using erroneous information!
During its nearly five-year storied history, Twitter has remained steadfast in its commitment to bringing the best…or just bringing 140 character expressions from individuals around the world. The Twitterverse is filled with eclectic characters and contemporary celebrities who have filled the ether with their random thoughts on life, love and luxury.
In this weekly series, Danzing and Dancing Queen will risk brain cells and credibility scouring the Twitterscape to bring you the best of Twitter. We will then perform dramatic recitations of these tweets for your listening pleasure. Please, enjoy.
This week we feature music critic Chris Weingarten and naturally, Justin Bieber. Chris is a freelance writer (Rolling Stone, Popmatters, Vulture, etc.) who used to play drums in an indie rock band called Parts & Labor (he recently had a “twitter beef” with them as well, though it turned out to be in jest). He is a solid, well-read critic, and outspoken about a lot of things. Here’s a talk he gave at a Twitter-centric conference on music journalism in the digital age. In this particular set of tweets, Weingarten is engaged in a “Twitter beef” with generally insufferable music blog Gorilla vs Bear.
Justin Bieber owns the hearts and minds of the entire world’s female population from the ages of 4 months to 40 years old. If you deny it, it only means you secretly like him. Here’s his video, Baby, which has only been seen over four hundred and eighty-eight millions times (488,214,503 as of 9:26 p.m. PT on March 14, 2011).
Chris Weingarten, as performed by Danzig:
Justin Bieber, as performed by Dancing Queen:
*Danzing and Dancing Queen are not professional actors, but do play actors on Crasstalk.
Queen. Pat Benatar. AC/DC. Def Leppard. They rocked us so hard we strained our necks hand-banging along AND our vocal chords trying to hit those high notes while screaming at the top of our lungs.
I have a distinct memory of singing “Cum on feel the noize” while swinging as high as I could on the swingset at school. I did not know how the name of the song was spelled (and neither did my mom).
Then of course, there’s badass Joan Jett. I used to roller skate my ass off to this song.
Break out the black concert tee, your ripped jeans and let’s rock it out!
Upcoming FBF themes:
Boy bands
Hip Hop
Hair bands
Lady R&B supergroups
Grunge
Party music…Stay tuned!
We are in week 13 of the never ending story Season 10 of Idol. A DECADE of this, my friends. As the Babylonion rumor goes, 13 is the unluckiest number and that proved to be true for some of our contestants. Fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia and I think a few Idol contestants now have it. Did you know that many buildings don’t have a 13th floor? The 14th floor has been tricked into thinking that it’s not bad luck but it really is. Anyhoo, this week’s theme was to sing a song by your idol, get it, “Idol” – hahaha so clever. They also choose to allow people who always thought they could rearrange a song better than the original, try and do just that. And with one fell swoop, most of them crushed the dreams of young Idol hopefuls as swiftly as Godzilla destroys a small Japanese city.
The Good:
Pia Toscano.
If there is someone who fits the “modern” Idol profile this year, it’s Pia Toscano. She is gorgeous, ethnically ambiguous and can really, truly sing. I suppose it doesn’t matter that she sang a Celine Dion song that needs to be pulled out of Idol rotation because she nailed it. She couldn’t be safer than Seacrest’s secret closet.
Who does Casey Abrams remind me of – Fozzy Bear? Nah, that’s not it. AH! Taylor Hicks! I mean, without all the of jerky movements and stuff but let’s be real. He can sing, no doubt about it. But when a young guy chooses Joe Cocker as his idol, we’ve got problems. In other words, he may win but he will be singing in bars within two years.
Naima Adedepo certainly beat the Glee version of Umbrella with TV interloper Gwenyth Paltrow. It was fun and funky, right? She was kind of breaking it down a little with the dance moves and the reggae. So whatever. Still, she’s too much with the hair and clothes. It’s like Denise from The Cosby Show meets Punky Brewster. Separately, they are adorable. Together, it looks like she got dressed with the random items she found on her bedroom floor.
Bowie
Hey James Durbin! Can you hear me with those ears? Okay, anyway. Baby gay Kurt if Kurt ever goes Bowie sang Maybe I’m Amazed by SIR Paul McCartney. It was good, it really was. Maybe he can be one of the Warblers next season and then in a bizarre twist, be Baby gay Kurt’s love interest since he can’t seem to get any action. Dreams, I have them.
It’s just fun to say Thia Megia’s name. It goes so well with the name game, so extra points for her. I’m going out on a limb and say this little newbie may take home the title. The producer of the arrangement should be taken out back and beaten with a Charlie Chaplin cane. Young Thia Megia HATED IT, too. She even cried because she knew that was an utterly ridiculous arrangement of Smile. As a general rule, if you make a girl cry, you suck. If you also single-handedly end her dreams, you should never work in this town again!
The Pageant:
It looks like Idol got a new sponsor this year. A couple actually: Claire’s Accessories and Cache (were is my accent aigu key?). Coke, Claire’s and Cache are the hallmark of any good Miss Blue Bell pageant and now, Idol.
Did I do that?
Hailey Reinhart will steal your boyfriend. Doesn’t she just give you that vibe? She decided to roll out in a evening gown and yodel Blue, which I’m sure her handlers Jimmy Cricket and Dusti thought was such a good idea! I know Idol may as well be a Miss America pageant but you aren’t supposed to make it that obvious. She thanked the audience for letting her perform at the State Fair.
Last week Randy called Ashton Jones a young Diana Ross and even I could hear Miss Ross’ screams from the depths of Malibu. Randy is the only judge that makes sense this year (think about that!), but he should be fired for that comment. Ashton Jones is no Diana Ross. She isn’t even close. I’ve seen and heard drag queens that are more Diana Ross than Ashton Jones. Take it back right now, Randy. Right fucking now. But it’s too late. It’s already gone to Ashton’s head and so out she came in her little Cache dress singing a Diana Ross song that about 10 people know. She also thanked the audience for clapping at the end of her song. She really grates on my nerves, so let’s move on.
Poor little Lauren Alaina. Take a tip from Faith Hill and “just breathe!”. Carrie Junior was so cotton-pickin’ nervous that she just tromped all over that stage all short of breath and a crooning that she didn’t get the chance to really flex those pipes. The judges comments were SUPER awkward. The old lady’s were met with dead silence. I mean, there were crickets in that place. In an attempt to fill the space, Jenny from the Block said that “the competition starts today.” What? I thought it started like, 7 weeks ago? Little Lauren has a strong voice, though, and she thanked the audience, too (seeing a trend?).
She will have a TV show one day
Karen Rodriguez/Selena/J.Lo doing Selenazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m sorry was I saying something. She and Hailey are probably busy cutting holes in each other’s outfits and putting cayenne pepper each other’s panties. She’s only 21 years old and looks like a newscaster on Univision. There’s really not much more to say beyond that.
This season’s Clay Gaiken aka Scotty McCreery, choose a Garth motherfucking Brooks song. Just hearing the name Garth Brooks makes me want fight a hobo thinking back to Brooks’ reign of terror over this country in the 90’s. I want to run into a bomb shelter and make it all go away whenever I hear his name. I’m pretty sure Sail My Vessel is a euphemism for something really, really dirty. But our little Stewie Griffin is winning the heart of Aunt Keeks (love you, RL!) and that is going to carry him far into this little competition.
The Rest:
Ew
Paul McCreepster. I have to be honest, I had to fast forward within two notes of him singing. I also needed to go get my rape whistle and check my drink for a roofie. He’s SO been in L.A. for so long and SO ready to get his big break. He’s over-styled, over-verneered and over-selling it. He’s like that Sugar Ray douchecopter. I will not be surprised to hear that he has already had a recording contract in the past. Not at all.
Jacob Lusk choose to say, out loud, that R. Kelly is his idol. Never, ever do that again. Don’t talk, just sing. Is there a choir bat-signal that goes up every time someone sings “I Believe I Can Fly?” He is this season’s over-singer but he makes his performances enjoyable in one way or another.
David Archuletta Stephano Langone: RAGE! Who is doing these awful arrangements. Lately is a soulful R & B classic, not an oonze, oonze club mix. Stop.
Bottom 3: McCreepster, Ashton, and probably Thia but in no way is that her fault. Going home: please let it be McCreepster.
Author’s note: Hat tip to all those who have previously tried to recap a show. This is more difficult I imagined. You can eat my post for lunch in case you can’t get away from your desk. I’ll even pass the Cholula.
I was thinking about how strange it is that people seem to struggle both with wanting to fit in yet trying to be unique. Common parlance seems to be that unique-ness is a stretch at best in our world of 7 billion odd no matter what you create or tattoo on your flesh. Face it, we are disorganized ants.
One thing thing that we can see on the outside that tends to be truly unique, our own, is our scars. Rarely acquired purposely in modern cultures (yes, there are exceptions as with anything), each has a story usually involving pain and/or blood, seared flesh, surgery or having done something stupid.
I thought I’d share a couple of mine and see what you all had as well. Everyone has a good scar story!
The one above my eye is from a dart board. A friend and I were fighting and he tossed me into the board at our local pub. It didn’t bleed at all but you could see my bone or skull really I suppose.
The one on my arm is from a surgery I had to remove an out-of-control birthmark. It was burly. Looked like a huge mole & was possibly cancerous so snip! Helps me know my right from left now. I know. I’m brilliant.
It’s time to go back in time and bring out those sexy memories. Was there a song that made you want to crawl across the bed like a tiger even if you were only 15? What was playing on the car radio when you lost your V-card in the backseat? Did you blush when a certain video came on and your parents were in the room? Remember, we’re not talking about songs from last year, but those of yester-year.
George Michael’s iconic video for Freedom is so impossibly and undeniably sexy given that it featured the original supermodels Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington, Tatjana Patitz, Cindy Crawford, and hot menz, John Pearson, Mario Sorrenti, and Peter Formby all half-naked and slinky. I wanted/want to lick the screen.
Chris Isaac’s Wicked Game featured another uber model of her time, Helena Christensen. Smart guy – I bet he had a fun afternoon. She probably single-handedly (heh) started the boy-shorts trend. He’s kinda hot, too.
*Keep it safe for work and remember the rules – no lady nip (PATRIARCHY!), ding-a-lings or vagine!
