Welcome back to The Challenge Recap, where EthologyNerd and Clarity83 watch so you don’t have to! Who will hook up this week? Who will be sent home? Who here is going to be on “Celebrity” Rehab 2024? LET’S FIND OUT.
EN’s comments are in plain font, and Clarity’s are in bold.
EN: First off, while the ads are still playing before the show begins, I want to say I’m PUMPED for this episode. Last week’s preview had TJ stern-dad-ing the group, saying “We have a problem in the house.” These are the Very Special Episodes of the Challenge, and usually it means someone did something Against the Rules and is being sent home. Being sent home not through an elimination is exciting.
Clarity: I wanna know who did what and who’s fighting who. TJ doesn’t take getting bounced out outside of the elimination lightly.
Anyway. The opening credits are rolling and, including “On Last Week’s Challenge,” there have been two shot of Jazzy on the pole and there should be two shots of liquor in your tummy. LET’S BEGIN.
Same outfit, doe. Girl needs to step up her naughty school girl clothes if that’s going to be her schtick.
Right? That’s what I was thinking. Bring another stripper outfit, like a naughty ghost or sexy White Castle worker. GET CREATIVE. Also? So much blurred vagina. I have to say I feel fortunate that I didn’t have to see Jazzy’s coot.
The new house hookup is Nany and Cohutta. I have to say, I love Cohutta’s dirty hick/good ol’ Southern boy thing. He is charming as fuck even though he doesn’t shower. Southern men are sort of my weakness. I hate their smarmy charm and their docksiders (if you are a yuppie from Mobile, I hooked up with a lot of LSU guys) but I basically want them in spite of myself.
Since Nany “proposes” to Cohutta and he accepts, CT and Issac plan a “bachelor party.” If you said, “A bachelor party needs strippers!” and followed it up with, “Where’s Jasmine?” you need to pull that bottle of vodka close, because OF COURSE.
CT + beard + v-neck + chest hair = take me now. I’m very much digging his look this season.
I’m digging his look every season. Let’s all just take a minute to fantasize about CT. Basically mine is just getting really drunk with him and then fucking. I mean, it’s not very imaginative but it would be super fun.
Here’s my question: Is Jasmine honestly a stripper now IRL? I am not saying she is but I am saying she seems to be doin’ stripper stuff a lot.
Maybe she takes those stripper pole abs classes. I say no to being a stripper IRL because there’s no way she would only have that one pole appropriate outfit.
Excellent point. Yet that only makes her ubiquitous, frantic pole-humping even more inexplicable.
The next morning, they show Frank calling his mom and telling her he got an xray and his “lungs look like shit.” NOOOO FRANK. Your crazy eyes are part of my top four. You cannot go.
Well, when they get everyone together to compete, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for: TJ makes his BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. Frank is contagious, and the MTV doctors have said that he cannot be in the house. Frank is going home.
Damn! I was sure this was some Fake Frank Dramz and he would end up either in the elimination round or close to it again. He might not be my favorite person, but he’s a great competitor and I’m sad to see him go.
Yeah, all those guys except maybe CT and Zach are lucky he got sent home. And frankly, we all suffer because he’s guaranteed at least one CRAZY FRANK FREAKOUT per season, but he just didn’t have time.
The irony of this is that these people frankly probably have dealt with much worse contagious “viral infections” in that STD stew of a pool, but whatever.
Where’s my “like” button?
The challenge this episode is called “Bar Crawl.” A timed event in teams of four, they will be using only two bars to cross a board suspended high over water. The winning team will be both safe and choosing two players to go into the elimination. The two last place teams will be going into the Draw.
The teams:
- Cara Maria (captain), CT, Aneesa, Swift
- Brandon (C), Camila, Bananas, Jessica
- LaToya (C), Cohutta, Nany, Preston
- Zach (C), Teresa, Johnny, Devin
- Jasmine (C), Jordan, Jonna
- Leroy (C), Laurel, Isaac, Hurricane Nia
Poor Preston: “This is a challenge based off of balance. HAVEN’T you guys seen me do yoga?” Seriously, people.
This is one challenge where being bigger doesn’t mean you’re going to be better.
Also LOL Zach, calling Nia “ratchet.” PROTIP: Don’t call someone whose nickname is just “Hurricane” ratchet. You’re gonna pay for that.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious.
I mean, it totally was. He said she walks around in her underwear “sucking her thumb”? Is that literal? Or what exactly does that mean?
Ratchet Nia, as seen on her season of RW, is a thumbsucker.
Jasmine’s team, down one player, gets an offer: They can either choose to compete or sit out the Challenge. If they don’t compete, their team won’t be eligible for the Draw but they WILL be eligible to be chosen to go into elimination.
I would probably choose to sit out. Though they’re one person short, they’re overall strong– however, it seems like a) in this challenge you would need four people to be able to do it quickly, and b) I cannot see people throwing them in yet. Jasmine’s easy prey and therefore should go in later, Jonna already stomped Emily, and Jordan is a beast.
They decide to compete. OOOOKAY. We’ll see if this decision ends up biting them in the ass.
It’s stupid that they didn’t sit out. Of course, that would have put a big ol’ target on their back for not competing. But still, sit out if you can because then you have no chance of failing.
I really think this was Jasmine’s call, because there is no way Jonna or Jordan were going to be chosen for an elimination.
Cara Maria’s team goes first. Though IMO the strongest team in theory, going first gives them a HUGE disadvantage, because they can’t learn from what other teams do. They end up DQ’ed after the clock expires, having only gotten about halfway across the board.
Having to go first is the worst. Every time.
Brandon’s team: Hard to tell, based on the first team, but look to have rocked it.
LaToya’s team goes next. Again, they seem to move quickly, though Preston again gets the “weak link” edit.
He’s letting it happen though. They’re only going to edit what you give them.
But they show Cohutta going, “Is everyone Zen? Preston, are you Zen? PRESTON ARE YOU ZEN MOTHERFUCKER?” When, honestly, he looks as prepared as he’s gonna be. I agree that he’s no CT, but I really, really think he’s more Ready than people give him credit for. Still gonna lose in the first elimination he’s in tho.
Team Zach: I consider Devyn to honestly be the weakest player in the whole Challenge. Just watching her wobble her way up to the very first bar gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. They controversially decide to skip spots in the wall, theoretically meaning they can move across more quickly. However, it also makes it hard to reach the bar to pull it out and move it. Despite the initial issue they power through and complete the wall.
Now up: Team Stripper Pole. Jasmine: “This is terrifying for me, we all know I hate heights and water, it’s not my thing.” OMG YOU DUMB BITCH YOU HAD THE OPTION NOT TO COMPETE. Then– THEN– Jordan drops a bar. DQ’ed. I audibly groaned when he did that, because MTV’s canny show editors tricked me into thinking they were kicking ass.
New rule for the drinking game: Every time someone complains about the challenge being high up because they are scared of heights, drink.
Yes. These are the challenges, “You’re going to be arm-wrestling each other…SUSPENDED 100 FEET ABOVE WATER.” “Each member of your team is going to clip each others’ toenails…SUSPENDED 100 FEET ABOVE WATER.” “You’re going to eat a four-course meal prepared by Eric Ripert, chef at Le Bernadin in New York…SUSPENDED 100 FEET ABOVE WATER.”
My point is, you’d have to be an idiot to not assume you’re going to be suspended very high above water.
Bananas: “All the showboating and all the showmanship has finally caught up with him.” Oh, suck it, Bananas. He was competing shorthanded. And YOU only win challenges because you’re a manipulative douche who allies himself well.
That comment was weird. He was using the wall to balance with one hand and had to transport the beam with the other. He wasn’t showing off, he was trying to complete the task.
Team Leroy, going last, is my pick to win. They’ve seen the others’ mistakes, they have Laurel, they have a strategy. Laurel is cheering as they go across. “I hate the sense of entitlement she has,” says Aneesa. Now I clearly am a Laurel apologist, but that seems like sour cuntgrapes (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – this is my new favorite cut down) to me, Aneesa. I can remember you talking some shit in previous seasons.
Aneesa’s a great shittalker. Based on her ZERO wins in The Challenge history, I would argue she doesn’t have the game to back it up.
I am not and have never been Teem Aneesa. I do not understand how she ever got a rep for being a competitor; I think she’s basically peacocked her way into being considered a vet. That and she was on the Real World when Cara Maria was in second grade.
The two worst teams are obviously Cara Maria’s and Jasmine’s, going into the draw.
DAMN BRANDON’S TEAM WINS. I did not see that coming.
In deliberations, the boys universally choose Johnny and everyone agrees. For the women, Camila and Jessica want to have some chats with people to see what they’d be willing to do for them in exchange for not throwing them in. *cough*Nia and LaToya*cough*
I am crazy impressed with the spiel that LaToya gives Camila. Shit, I want to cast my pretend vote for Nia now just based on the balls on that woman. I dunno whether she’ll be able to get Camila’s back like she says but I admire her manipulation skills, which sure as shit get you a lot in this game.
Furthermore: I realized the main reason I hate Jessica so much. That helpless Baby Voice of hers. Maybe I was born sounding like present-day Lindsay Lohan but that “I’m just a little giiiiiirl” shit is TIRING.
She sounds like a baby and acts like one, too. I know you haven’t seen it, but she was a big whiner on her RW season. Crying and blah blah blah. Props to her though for realizing the only back you can watch in this game is your own.
You keep alluding to this RW show. I’ve heard of it…but I’m also very, very glad I haven’t watched it since OG San Diego. Ugh, I am glad Robin isn’t on this challenge.
RW (Real World for those of you don’t know better, or maybe do know better for not watching MTV reality shows) is like… Algebra and The Challenge is like Geometry. You don’t NEED Algebra to do Geometry, but it helps you understand a little better what is going on.
Eventually, the choice is made: Johnny and Nia.
In the draw, Cara Maria gets the kill card, but (DRINK CHALLENGE TWIST) as Frank was sent home, there were still four draw cards but only three dudes. No one draws the kill, and (I’m sure this is a total coincidence) after tonight male/female numbers will be even again. Johnny rejoins the group.
Oh, I didn’t even think of it that way. Good point. TJ- show me that other card? Did it have a skull on it?
Bet you five bucks they were all blank. It’s not reality TV, it’s “Reality TV.”
The game Nia and Cara Maria will be playing is Looper. Essentially, they are hooked to either end of a rope, and the have to move around obstacles as fast as they can in order to ring a bell. It’s basically backwards tug-of-war, and I think they are evenly matched. In a full-contact game Nia would very likely literally murder Cara Maria, but since this is about both speed (if you get farther faster you have an advantage) and endurance strength, I think it’s even. Cara Maria can be feisty.
Nia kind of looks like she’s using the Rope-a-Dope strategy, staying still while Cara Maria flails and struggles. Goddamn, Cara Maria, STOP SCREAMING. That uses energy and lung power you need.
(This is exactly what I wrote in my notes as well.)
TJ giggles gleefully. “Keep going, you guys, you’ve only been doing this for thirty minutes!” Oh Teej, you are such a jerk.
45 minutes elapse. Cara Maria appears to be literally crying at this point. Everyone is urging her on with of course the exception of Bananas, Challenge Troll Genius.
CM needs to stop crying. This is part of the reason I don’t like her.
60 minutes. Devyn is tired. I am tired. 75 minutes. Jesus fucking Christ. This is where I start regretting that there were no drunken fights/hookups/fight hookups to pad this episode out.
What if you had to pee? Would you pee yourself in that suit? Also, I think this would be a great challenge for anyone who does CrossFit. Need to drag yourself to the bell with someone pulling against you – NBD.
Ugh, you Crosfitters are the WARST. “Hey brah, you gonna tow that Ford 150 a mile with your bare hands or not? No? Sounds like you’ve been doing too many weight machines! CROSSFIT HUAH.”
Also, the answer is yes, you pee yourself. You probably would from exertion at some point, right? Or do you not Crossfit hard enough to piss your pants? TIGHTEN UP CLARITY.
All I’m saying is that I could back squat both those bitches before my morning coffee.
FINALLY, Bananas’ shit-talking spurring her on, Cara Maria gets a second wind. Nia starts pulling the “I can’t breathe” card (dude, it’s okay, we all know you want to give up without looking like you’re a quitter), and again, FINALLY. Wins. After 80 minutes. And Nia is sent packing.
This does not surprise me. She just gave up. There were plenty of times when CM was weak and Ratchet Nia could have taken advantage, but she just sat there.
I have to say, I have always liked Cara Maria. Not a lot– she’s sort of weak and whiny, but in the worst way, because she’s actually very tough. Every challenge she cries and says she is going to suck but has the endurance of a marathon runner. She’s full of neurosis and low self-esteem but also doesn’t quit. JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, GWORL.
Next week’s challenge include them being in giant plastic balls. This has the potential for an injury. Or a fight after the fact. Bring it on. (Though, I don’t want anyone to be seriously injured.)
You don’t? You’re such a good person. I’m always rooting a little for serious injury or at the very least some sort of mouth hurt that renders Jessica mute. You know what would make next week’s challenge better, though? BEING SUSPENDED 100 FEET ABOVE WATER.
(Call me, Challenge producers. I’m full of ideas).
Look at us, all timely and shit this week! See y’all next week!
Image via MTV.
Gif via RealityTVGifs.
