This week we see some penis.
Last Week: Lord Bolton now knows that the younger Stark boys are still alive and has sent a minion to hunt them down. Bran is getting a little bratty and his powers weird as his interaction with a heart tree last week sent him visions of his destination north of the Wall. The Lannister twins aren’t fucking each other, but neither will they let each other fuck anyone else. Jaime hires Bronn to train his left hand to properly use a sword. Oberyn Martell left no doubts that he has some violent ideas. Joffrey is dead, but at whose hands? Cersei thinks Tyrion, and has had him arrested Sucks to be Margaery, because she’s just a Tyrell again. The perpetually drunk former Ser Dontos took advantage of the chaos in the wake of the king’s death to grab Sansa Stark. Tyrion and his sweet sister are back to battling as Cersei has had him arrested for regicide following Tyrion’s humiliation at the hands of Joffrey, so it’s probably a good thing that he sent Shae away to a new life in Pentos before the wedding. And last but not least, Stannis is cooking people for the delight of the Red God, including his brother-in-law.
This Week: Dontos takes Sansa through alleyways to a rocky cove where a small rowboat is waiting for them. In the fog further out, there is a ship, and on that ship there is a Littlefinger. Petyr Baelish has come quietly back from the Eyrie, and hired Dontos to give Sansa the “treasured heirloom” of his nearly dead House and bring her to him at the appropriate time, conveniently making her look guilty as hell. Dontos gets an arrow in the face for his trouble, and Sansa gets another lesson in treachery. Littlefinger tells her she’s sailing home.
Margaery and Olenna discuss Joffrey and his recent departure to the Seven Hells. Margaery seems surprisingly disturbed by Joffrey’s death; her grandmother reminds her that watching him die is much better than experiencing him alive for a lifetime. She also points out that the Tyrell’s situation has not really changed; the Lannisters still need them. Tommen will be a better match.
Tommen (now played by Dean-Charles Chapman, who previously played cousin Martyn Lannister) seems concerned but not overly saddened by his brother’s death as he and his mother stand next to Joffrey’s body in the Great Sept of Baelor. What does concern him is his upcoming coronation. Tywin’s already setting the stage for his second term as King of Westeros. Joffrey was nearly uncontrollable, and would have only become more so as he grew older; Tommen will be a good little king. Tywin tells him that it is not piety, justness, or strength that makes a king good; it is wisdom, and wisdom is doing what you’re told.
Having just heard her father highlight all her failures as a mother and Queen Regent by listing Joffrey’s faults, Cersei looks to her brother for comfort when he comes into the sept. Everyone else clears out, leaving them alone with their son. Cersei is such a heartless asshole, but as Tyrion later says, she does love her children. You could almost feel sorry for her as she cries in Jaime’s arms. She starts off by telling him to kill Tyrion, which was probably not what he wanted to hear. But he doesn’t really care once she starts kissing him, then he cares again when she pushes him away, probably because she remembered that they are standing in the sept next to their son’s dead body. What follows is rape. Jaime has decided he’s had enough; “You’re a hateful woman. Why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?” He tears her petticoats while she repeats “It’s not right,” to which he responds, “I don’t care.”
Arya and Sandor Clegane are making their way to the Eyrie, they think. They don’t have a map. Sandor is hoping to sell the kid to her aunt and get out of Westeros. In the meantime, they are still roughing it in the mud. When a poor father with his daughter comes across them, Arya lies her ass off and gets herself and her traumatized father a bed and a meal for the night.
Sam and Gilly dance around each other; Gilly likes him, Sam likes her, but neither one has quite owned up to it yet (though naming her son after him was probably a hint). Sam fears for Gilly’s safety in the all-male, raper-only environment of Castle Black, so he takes her to Mole’s Town where the prostitutes are plentiful and warm, sanitary living spaces are not. He gets her work as a maid and babysitter, insisting that she will be safer there, in a brothel, where basically all brothers of the Night’s Watch who aren’t Sam or Jon go for some quality unsupervised playtime. Safe as a Stark in King’s Landing.
Davos is still battling Stannis, who is growing impatient with their lack of progress. He refuses to hire mercenaries, and even if he didn’t, they don’t have any gold. He sees Joffrey’s death as a golden opportunity, and Stannis is in danger of being forgotten. Screaming at people at Dragonstone doesn’t do much to lend street cred to your rebel status. It’s while talking to Princess Shireen in her prison bedroom cell that she gives him an idea: the Iron Bank of Braavos, which holds a reeeeeeeeally big chunk of debt from the Iron Throne, may be willing to deal.
Oberyn and Ellaria, strangely covered in clothes, are buried up to their necks in ass, which of course is the perfect time for Tywin to walk in to do a little negotiating. And what an offer he serves up. After denying any involvement in the death of Elia Martell, he offers to setup a meet and greet between Oberyn and the Mountain, as well as give him a seat on the small council. In return, he has to serve as a judge alongside Tywin and Mace Tyrell and help them condemn Tyrion. So justice will totally be served.
(Daniel Portman)? 
The wildings, Ygritte included, are beginning their assault south of the Wall. The cannibal Thenn sends a boy to Castle Black to tell the Night’s Watch that they’re coming after telling him he’s going to eat the kid’s parents, which sounds like a less than brilliant plan on both counts, honestly. Back at Castle Black, the news of the wildings and the return of two rangers who were held prisoner by the mutineers at Craster’s Keep comes almost simultaneously. The problem of the mutineers potentially giving up Jon’s lie about the population of Night’s Watch men and the fighting wildlings are both complicated by the truth of the number of men at Castle Black. They need more support.
Dany has reached Meereen. The masters of the city show their respect by sending out a single champion, who proceeds to piss in her general direction (which brings up the penis count in this episode to two. It’s a new record!). Daario is chosen to fight the man, much to Jorah’s dismay, and proceeds to defeat the mounted man with one thrown knife and a casual slice of his arakh. Dany makes her speech to the slaves, not the masters: every victory she has had has resulted in freedom for the slaves. As a closing remark, she has the broken collars of every slave she found tied to a mile marker sent over the walls with trebuchets. Nice touch.
That’s this week. Things are getting nicely set up, aren’t they?
