Whether he’s filling his party bus with kosher yogurt (kosher yog) or naming his unborn child in honor of the little-known rabbi Menachem Menandel Schmerson (I hear he was based out of Philadelphia), New Girl‘s Schmidt is constantly coming up with Jewish one-liners funny enough to make you laugh until you’re verklempt. As Schmidt would say, “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.” In honor of Chanukah, here’s a list of Schmidt’s 8 Greatest Jewish Quotes, one to make each night of Chanukah a unique experience.
1. Because the Maccabees were the Original Ganstas.
Schmidt: Oh, a menorah! Judaism, son.
2. Her middle name is Rebecca.
Schmidt, referring to Nick’s mysterious Bar Crush: Go get her.
Nick: I can’t do that.I can’t talk to Thirsty.
Schmidt: Thirsty?
Nick: I don’t know her name, so I call her Thirsty. Thirsty Mendelson.
Schmidt: Aw, you made her Jewish?
Nick: I didn’t make her Jewish.
Schmidt: Mendelson?
Nick: Well, Thirsty –
Schmidt: She’s not Jewish? If her last name’s Mendelson, she’s Jewish. Tell you what her first name is, too – It’s Rachel.
3. It’s not the schmattas that make the man.
Schmidt: I didn’t want to make this about me, but the airline lost my bag. I wanted to look fantastic for your father’s funeral. Now, I have nothing but the schmatta on my back.
4. Other 13-year-olds settle for an SNL-themed celebration.
Elizabeth at Cece’s wedding: The groom comes in on a white horse.
Schmidt: So basically they’re just copying my bar mitzvah.
5. Because you’ll always be your mother’s little boy.
Schmidt: It’s my pishy! I have to pish.
6. Because bagel, cream cheese, and lox never sounded so erotic.
Cece: That was the last time, OK? This is over.
Schmidt: But we haven’t even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp-aged cheddar. Mm-hmm. Manchego. Some buttery Gruyère. You sure you want to miss out? I’m going to slowly peel the wax off your baby bells. How about a little stinky Taleggio?
Cece: Why is this working? I’m so turned on right now.
Schmidt: Or maybe some cream cheese. Want some schmear, Cece?
7. Because “Mazel Tov” can be the Jewish version of “Bless your heart.”
Schmidt, sarcastic after finding out Nick and Jess kissed: Mazel tov to the both of you.
8. Because going out for Chinese food on the 25th sounds a lot less stressful.
Schmidt: This is my last Christian Christmas.
