Star Trek Into Darkness is the latest entry in what has been characterized as director JJ Abrams’ revival of Star Trek. Re-assembling the cast from the 2009 blockbuster, Abrams and writers Damon Lindelof, Robert Orci, and Alex Kurtzman attempt to weave a tale of adventure, romance, and revenge. Unfortunately, this attempt is not only an utter failure; it’s also an assault upon the senses, and an insult to human intelligence. Warning: spoilers follow.
The movie begins in media res, with the Enterprise on a “mapping mission” to the planet Niburu. Apparently, the planet’s volcano is about to destroy the planet and kill the inhabitants. For reasons that make absolutely no sense, Kirk and McCoy try to “create a diversion” while Spock rappels into the volcano with a “cold fusion device” that would ostensibly freeze the volcano. Oh, and the Enterprise is just hanging out under water. Anyway, the mission goes south faster than you can say “What?!” and Kirk has to try to figure out how to save Spock from the volcano without violating the Prime Directive, which prohibits Starfleet officers from interfering in the natural development of pre-warp civilizations.
Yeah, because nobody on the planet saw a giant starship descending from orbit and parking itself underwater. And so begins the nonsense that is Star Trek Into Darkness.
Anyway, Kirk reveals the Enterprise, beams Spock out of danger, and zips off, leaving a bunch of confused natives who have now seen a giant starship rise up out of the ocean. Admiral Pike busts him down to first officer and reassigns Spock. Now, a reasonable person might think that the bulk of the movie would be spent dealing with Kirk regaining his command. No. He gets demoted, sulks and gets drunk, and after Pike inexplicably says he wants Kirk for his second in command because he believes in him (didn’t we cover all this ground in the 2009 movie?), the two are called to Starfleet HQ because of a suicide bombing at a Starfleet data archive in London—wait, was Kirk still drunk when they went to headquarters?
Like the 2009 movie, Kirk deduces that IT’S A TRAP and that the real goal is to get all starship captains and first officers in one place so they can be killed. And so it happens. “John Harrison,” the Starfleet operative responsible for the bombing shows up and kills a lot of captains and admirals. Including Pike. So Kirk’s captain again and barely ten minutes have passed since his demotion. This is pretty much how the entire movie proceeds. Things happen for no apparent reason and in defiance of any and all kinds of logic, but the audience is supposed to swallow these improbabilities and the shitty writing because it’s got “Star Trek” slapped on it. We jump from set piece to set piece with little rhyme or reason and we watch the characters run about as though they’re in a video game.
The list of inconsistencies is very, very long. Why doesn’t Starfleet security monitor the airspace around their headquarters? How is it super-secret facilities that are building advanced starships have so little security, that Scotty can literally waltz into the facility and onto the ship? If Starfleet has the technology to beam people from star system to star system, then why hasn’t it been installed on every starship? How is it that not one, but TWO Federation starships can operate for extended amounts of time in Klingon space and not one Klingon ship shows up? Are there no border patrols in the Klingon Empire? How is it that two starships can be engaged in combat right outside Earth’s orbit and attract NO ATTENTION WHATSOEVER?
This movie is a pastiche of far superior Star Trek movies and episodes. It contains a lot of “fanservice” in the form of callbacks to those superior movies and episodes—including the 2009 movie. As such, it never feels like it’s its own movie. It’s not fresh or original—and the inclusion of Khan is fanservice that is actually a bit insulting. Further, the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch’s character was indeed Khan was one of the most disingenuous attempts at secrecy I think I’ve ever seen. I had hoped that there would have been some logical explanation as to how a British guy with blue eyes and no discernible Indian accent could come to play Khan Noonien Singh. There was none.
With regard to Cumberbatch, his portrayal of this universe’s Khan is quite superb. Frankly, his performance is one of the few things that I could say was a positive in this movie. Unfortunately, that meant that everyone else paled in comparison to him. Watching Chris Pine’s petulant fratboy Kirk try to go toe to toe with Khan was laughable—though not nearly as laughable as Abrams’ shameless use of one of the most dramatic scenes in the Wrath of Khan. Kirk “dies,” sacrificing himself for his ship and crew. Mind you, the fact that, apparently, there are no other starships in the vicinity of the planet Earth that could have simply put a tractor beam on the ship and prevented it from falling into the planet in the first place is completely ignored. Kirk has to die and set up a ridiculous inversion of Spock’s death scene in Wrath of Khan. That scene had earned the emotion that fans attach to it. This movie has not earned that emotional attachment. In Darkness, when Spock shows up and he and Kirk say the lines from Wrath of Khan almost word for word, all I could do was think that I wanted to watch Wrath of Khan as soon as I got home, so I could cleanse my palate. To add insult to injury, Abrams has Spock scream “KHAAAAAAAN,” which, frankly, was utterly laughable. We all knew Abrams would resort to a deus ex machina to bring Kirk back to life—and he does, via Khan’s apparently super-blood. Why? Because the plot demands it.
Oh, and that giant starship that was basically a redux of Nero’s super ship from the 2009 movie crashes into downtown San Francisco, killing probably tens of thousands of people. And the Federation is on the brink of war with the Klingons. Also, Uhura and Spock have been at odds because she thinks that he’s trying to get himself killed as a result of the (ridiculously unnecessary) destruction of Vulcan. Just thought you’d like to know, since neither of those important events appears to receive any real development other than pushing the plot forward.
At the end of the movie, Abrams and company make sure to also slap on a theme, a broad allusion to terrorism, and a very cheap “thank you” to war veterans and 9/11 survivors. In sum, except for the name “Star Trek,” this was a science fiction movie every bit as stupidly plotted and paced as was last year’s turd Prometheus. Abrams, ever the ringmaster, expects you the viewer to be so addled by the gorgeous visuals and the nonstop action that you won’t ask questions about the gaping plot holes, the rampant inconsistencies, or the lazy writing. Ladies and gentlemen, Star Trek is dead, and this movie put the final nail in the coffin. Perhaps we can get some of Khan’s super-awesome blood to revive it.
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