Guy Fieri Can’t Be the Worst Food Network Star Can He?

Now that Guy Fieri’s new Times Square restaurant has been effectively torpedoed by critics for serving up cuisine apparently not fit for a truck stop restroom during an apocalypse, you’d think that he’s the worst thing to come out of The Food Network despite all his success with the channel and in the business of celebrity chefdom. Well, that may be subjective. For what it’s worth, it seems The Food Network is really some sort of clearing house for abominable cooks whose creations are often the butt of many a joke.

So since ABC news decided to compare Food Network stars, who out there is worse than Fieri?

Paula Deen

The self-anointed butter queen, Paula Deen for years has sold America on the virtues of fat, grease, butter, and a fucking egg, bacon burger served between two Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts! No, we’re not kidding. She really cooked and ate this thing while calling it the Lady’s Brunch Burger. That’s like saying, “Here! Eat this entire package of aortic exploding rendered pork fat covered in a rich, creamy sugar colostomy sauce!”

But, you know, that’s just one of the recipes she’s produced that is not only supremely unhealthy (there are more), but you’d just have to wonder how one’s mind arrives at a burger between two doughnuts? We’re thinking only a special kind of lady could think this up — one who also created a Krispy Kreme bread pudding, deep fried macaroni and cheese wrapped in bacon, AND made a sandwich out of two wedges of lasagna! Yet, after being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes has said that while she may offer up lighter versions of her recipes, “I’m Southern by roots. I was taught [to cook] by my grandmother and nothing I can do would change that.”

Rachael Ray

Wanna make something quick? Well, Rachael Ray started an empire on doing just that. However, when you take a look at some of the meals, you can maybe call it the Chef Boyardee route to cooking, eh? It’s a lot of throw it into a pan, cook for a few minutes, mash it all together and then voila! you’ve got a steaming plate of a back-of-a-box-top meal for your family. Take this Mac and Cheese Dog Casserole recipe. It has onions, beer, hot dogs, and mac and cheese! Don’t forget the milk, ketchup and mustard all mixed in one bubbling cauldron of fantastic, gastronomic food incontinence. YUM-O! Not good enough? How about a Chicago Dog Salad? Throw mustard, onions, and cabbage-y cole slaw mix into a pan, add some peppers and garlic pickles, AND THEN throw on some crispy, wiener meat bodies i.e hot dogs and you have a thing with cabbage and processed pork parts!

Here, this chick really LOVES doing things with hot dogs. Watch her make the Republican Party’s favorite food evah!

Whatever you may think about her actual cooking prowess, she’s been able to turn this snap, crackle, pop way of cooking into a snappy daytime talk career — perhaps to the chagrin of her biggest critics. Namely Martha Stewart, who said of Ray, “She’s different. She’s — she’s more of an entertainer … than she is a teacher, like me.” Yeah, well, Ray’s talk show continues where Stewart’s has been cancelled. So, perhaps Stewart should climb down off that horse and find some interesting things to do with hot dogs maybe? No. Yeah, we don’t really want that either.

Sandra Lee

Well, we’ve talked about Sandra Lee before. And the consensus is that she’s some sort of canned yam demon of epic culinary destruction. Her mantra of semi-homemade reads like the insane product placement list of overly-drugged babysitters tasked with formulating Ritz cracker mini-pizzas for a legion of salt deprived toddlers. She literally cannot make a dish that isn’t made of globules of monosodium glutamate and whatever other types of store shelf preservatives and artificial flavoring your local A&P can concoct. To just find one disgusting recipe would be like ignoring a shit-ton of other acute disasters. Can we find the worst of the worst? Uh, take your pick. We’re going with the infamous Kwanzaa Cake. Here’s my description from 12/25/2011.

What is this: This is an angel food cake abomination with its internal cavity filled with canned fruit, slathered with powdered Nestle Quick chocolate frosting, lined with Cornnuts, and stabbed with huge-ass candles to represent Kwanzaa. Yawr, she pretty much insults a whole section of our population by literally making something you wouldn’t find in even the laziest of Home-Economics classes. This is the “throw whatever you have in your refrigerator into the center of a crappy cake” solution to dessert. This makes us want to die.”

Anthony Bourdain has called her “pure evil.” We have to correct you, Anthony. She’s pure evil who likes to defile angel food cake.

Tyler Florence

We’re going to admit that we don’t know much about this particular guy except there’s a growing amount of hate for the guy’s food. Several years ago he partnered up with Bro-dude food chain, Applebee’s, for a cool $3 million dollars. Apparently within the chef community this was some sort of sell-out deal that resulted in fancy-schmancy roasted chicken fingers, we suppose, instead of the regular fried ones. So, uh, okay. He said he wanted to “take them to a whole new simpler, pure direction.” Website Egotastic! says of the outcome, “He teamed up with Applebee’s to create a series of items for their menu. Think about that. This guy’s food is the best that you can get at Applebee’s. That’s like saying that Meow Mix tastes slightly better than Fancy Feast. The best dish at Applebee’s is still 10 times worse than a dirty water dog I can get from a street vendor in Times Square opposite Guy Fieri’s crappy restaurant.”

Well, okay. But maybe we should hear from another celebrity chef, to see what they think. Andrew Zimmern host of the Travel Channel’s Bizarre Foods said Florence is the, “least talented TV chef” after his 2009 appearance on a Ryan Seacrest show called Momma’s Boys. To which Florence hit back with this nutbar response:

Hi Guys, good morning and Happy New Year. Normally I have pretty thick skin when it comes to blogs and what people think. It is a free country after all, But this guy Andrew Zimmern, the guy who eats dried camel cock for a living, has decided to dis my life’s work because I did, my personal friend, Ryan Seacrest, a favor and helped him out with his first big television production, “Momma’s Boy’s.” It was a big hit for NBC and something I had a fun time doing. It’s bubble gum reality, who cares. It was funny. I guess it hard to have a since of humor when you’re on your 10th take of eating Yak testicles, smiling to the camera, wondering where your life went wrong……… mmmmm, Delicious!

We’d take you a lot more seriously Tyler, if you didn’t also shill for Applebee’s where you never really know if you’re eating Yak testicles or not, right? Right. And then there’s your abiding love for Paula Deen…

So what do you guys think? Who’s the worst Food Network Star. Feel free to add your own submissions, but tell us why you think so.

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