The Hollywood Caller: Avengers to Make All the Money This Weekend

A little movie about a few people saving the world will make millions; Lifetime gets a new logo, a pokeman; British Don Draper; Elizabeth Taylor is having a tough month; Tom Cruise to kill the undead; Franco proves that cornrows are still a bad idea.

Avengers assemble! Or you know whatever several people dressed up in lycra do when they’re just milling around waiting for bad guys to show up with their big computer generated monster arms. Well, this thing will probably take in a pretty big haul this weekend. It’s like it’s already the summer or something. Like when Tom Cruise and Will Smith used to smirk and leap off things at the beginning of the summer season. But alas not anymore. Those guys aren’t really doing much power-punching beginning of summer type stuff, they’re more like Mid-summer with Joint Ointment guys now, or Late Summer With a Rolling Barcalounger guys, right? No matter, the newest group of super hero dudes, Goldi Locks, Captain Metal Shield, Gun Hips, Green Giant, Muscular Robin Hood, and Napalm Palm could rake in some $585 Million after the big weekend is all said and done. Well, that’s fabulous. Marvel will finally succeed with their great ensemble cast movie, Steel Magnolias Blast Off With A Goatee And a Cape Hammer! Don’t mess this up, Whedon![Deadline]

The Lifetime Network for Ladies with Lady Parts is changing its logo and branding. Could it be to Vitamins and Calcium for the Junior League, or Bone Density Damsels or Sophisticated Babes in Booty Shorts?! Huh. Well, no, probably not the last one. The logo looks like an exclamation point trapped in a balloon, or a sideways, one-eyed winking emoticon, or maybe a big red dot with a hole in the middle. Nonetheless! It means something about life. “Your Life. Your Time.” to be exact. Oh, great. So they’re telling us that it’s totally up to us how many episodes of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s call girl show we watch. How about, “My Time Means I Don’t Care About JLove’s BJ’s?” Yes? Thanks! I really didn’t need your permission, Lifetime. I can make my own decisions. You’re not the boss of me. [Deadline]

So Dick Whitman and Harry Potter are in early talks to be in a movie about World War I, where they’ll be Russian medics in a British mini-series. Hmm, okay, well aside from the potential for the Harry Potter kid to annoy me, and there may not be any scenes with Jon Hamm due to his narration of the story, this could be really fantastically boring. Oh, sorry. No, I didn’t mean boring…I uh, meant historical and poignant. And really, dastardly boring. But well, okay, it’s British so maybe it’ll be like Downton Abbey but with Don Draper running around kissing people, drinking, and scoffing at everything Peggy does, but instead of Peggy it’ll be Daniel Radcliffe riding naked on a horse! Okay, so none of that will happen. I just don’t want to be bored. This is your only task Mr. Producer Jon Hamm. [THR]

So remember last week when Scarlett Johansson told the world hilariously that she’d like to do a spin-off starring her Avengers character, Black Cat Pea Shooter Acrobatic Not Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, before she does that and makes Jennifer Garner happy that Elektra won’t be the only thing like this, she and Jeremy Renner are close to signing onto a Broadway revival of the classic Tennessee Williams play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, because that should happen to Elizabeth Taylor’s and Paul Newman’s epic shame. No, seriously, it could be good. Johansson could maybe pull off a respectable “Maggie the Cat,” and I can maybe see Renner as a rugged “Brick,” but well, that story needs a lot of heat and chemistry, and unless there’s some blazing crotch moments in the Avengers, I’m not sure I see that much chemistry between the two. So I’m thinking a couple of cold fishes? Aquaman! Come help these guys out! [Variety by way of Vulture]

Er, okay, so Tom Cruise, yeah, that wasn’t a challenge I offered earlier when I talked about summer blockbusters. He’s not listening to me. He’s set to produce and star in a “reimagining” of Van Helsing, that limping, dumb, supernatural turd box that starred Hugh Jackman in 2004. That thing was a stink bomb that made the rebooted League of Extraordinary Gentlemen look like a Golden Globe nominee. So, he’ll run around in this thing hoping to fight vampires. Perhaps he’ll face himself as Lestat. That guy didn’t actually die you know? He just sort of killed Christian Slater and drove off in a convertible. So, you know, double role for Cruise?! No, probably just the one — the one that will be horrible and make us roll our eyes much like that thing Johnny Depp is doing with Tim Burton and Dark Shadows or Dumb Ideas or Drab Thoughts or whatever. [Vulture]

Today in James Franco Musings: A big star from something called G’s to Gents out of the reality world claims that Franco modeled his character for the upcoming Spring Breakers movie off of him. Franco says, “Not true!” “I would say the biggest influence on the role was this local Florida rapper named Dangerous. He’s fairly unknown, but he was down there in the place, living the life, and he became the biggest model for me and he’s in the movie.” Well, is this guy a combination of Kevin Federline from the early aughts and Kid Rock from right now? Because that’s what this looks like. [Vulture]

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *