Computers are like Old Testament gods: lots of rules, and no mercy. — Steve Wozniak
The religious fundamentalists have decided that they will embed the Old Testament rule that a man “shall not lie with a man as with a woman for this is abomination” into the constitution of North Carolina. How else can we help the fundamentalists of North Carolina put the rules of their holy book into the constitution? Find out after the jump.
Leviticus 11:3-12:
Whatsoever parteth the hoof, and is clovenfooted, and cheweth the cud, among the beasts, that shall ye eat. Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you. And the coney, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you. And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you. And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you. These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.
Clearly, you can’t eat pork, rabbit or shellfish. You, you with the shrimp cocktail, GOD SEES YOU!! So therefore I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 2: No person shall offer for sale or trade, for the purposes of human consumption, a living or dead pig, rabbit or any species of shellfish, including but not limited to clams, mussels, scallops, crabs, lobsters and shrimp, or any part thereof. No person shall buy any of the above animals, living or dead, or any part thereof, for the purposes of human consumption. No person shall transport any of the above animals, living or dead, or any part thereof into the State of North Carolina for the purposes of human consumption.
Should any person do any of the above forbidden acts, he or she shall be put to death.
Deuteronomy 22:5:
The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.
No pants on women, y’all. Therefore I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 3: No woman shall wear pants upon any part of her body. Should any woman wear pants on any part of her body, she shall be put to death.
Deuteronomy 22:8:
When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence.
Clearly, the North Carolina building code is not consistent with the Old Testament. The constitution must fix that! Therefore I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 4: No license for the construction of any dwelling house shall be granted unless the plans include a fortified battlement placed upon the roof thereof. Any dwelling house constructed without a license shall be demolished at the owner’s expense. Anyone building a dwelling house without a license shall be subjected to stoning.
Deuteronomy 22:9:
Thou shalt not sow thy vineyard with diverse seeds: lest the fruit of thy seed which thou hast sown, and the fruit of thy vineyard, be defiled.
Crop rotation is an abomination! Therefore I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 5: No person shall plant more than one type of crop in any field. Any person planting more than one type of crop in any field shall be subjected to stoning.
Deuteronomy 22:11-12:
Thou shalt not wear a garment of diverse sorts, as of woolen and linen woven together. Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four corners of thy vesture, with which thou covers thyself.
No poly-cotton blends folks, and tassels on everything! Therefore I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 6: No person shall offer for sale or trade any garment composed of more than a single type of fiber, or any garment that does not have fringes at every corner. No person shall transport any such garment into North Carolina. No person shall wear any such garment. Any person doing any of the above shall be put to death.
Leviticus 19:27:
Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.
Haircuts and shaves are an abomination unto the Lord! Can’t have that! So I propose the following amendments to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 7: No person shall, at any point, cut the hair on his or her head. No person may enter or become resident in North Carolina having done so. Any person who, on reasonable suspicion, is believed to have done so shall be put to death.
Amendment 8: No man shall shave, trim, or otherwise cut his facial hair. No man may become resident in, or pass through, North Carolina having done so. Any man who, on reasonable suspicion, is believed to have done so shall be put to death.
Proverbs 12:22:
Lying lips are abomination unto the LORD: but they that deal truthfully are his delight.
Lying is bad, ‘mkay? Accordingly, I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 9: No person shall knowingly speak a falsehood. Any person believed on reasonable grounds to have done so shall be permitted to remain within North Carolina, but shall rather suffer deportation and exile to the closest neighboring state.
Proverbs 11:20:
They that are of a froward heart are abomination to the LORD: but such as are upright in their way are his delight.
Not only is it not allowed to sin, you can’t even think about doing something sinful. Accordingly, I propose the following amendment to the North Carolina state constitution:
Amendment 10: No person shall think a sinful thought or hold a sinful desire in his or her mind. Any person believed on reasonable grounds to have done so shall suffer stoning.
What are your ideas? How should we embed 2500 year old Biblical injunctions that are clearly still relevant into North Carolina’s constitution?
Related Article – What Does the Bible Say About Homosexuality?
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