Things Television Commercials Should Say

There are two types of commercials that annoy most viewers. 1) The ones you see ad nauseum 2) The ones that say or do something so silly that it is instantly mockable. You know the ones. The kind that you can just see all the ad execs sitting around patting themselves on the back for producing a revolutionary! artistic! stunningly awful! thing that you’d frankly never want to see again, because it tests your patience, insults your intelligence, or just outright steals from your youth like a Kardashian looking for a soul wrapped in money. Is Mr. T wearing a Mohawk toupee’?! Yep. This is what I’m saying.

There is nothing worse than seeing a glaringly self-congratulatory, smug commercial over and over again to the point that the despicable theme song gets stuck in your head, or, and this is worse, you’d like to punch everyone involved in its making, from the actors and the director who wanted said commercial to be his masterpiece, to the company itself who decided that they’d like to forcibly impregnate your mind with its most acute case of “Subconscious Shillism” to the point that you find yourself huddled in the corner muttering “Taco Bell really is the fourth meal. or Me, Oh, My, Oh, Hey, Hey!” (That MetroPCS commercial on endless loop could make someone do very bad things.)

So in the interest of setting the world’s balance right again, here are 10 commercials as they should’ve been made. (WARNING: Some use colorful language, so they may be a little NSFW — basically get some headphones or close your office door, rubes.)

Rock God-Awful

Oh, Siri, you devilish little dickhead. Sure, we all hate that little pubescent turdfly, but no one tells him off quite like you.

Gateway to Nowhere

Haha. You know what I do when I want to discuss all the great, adventurous things I do in my everyday life of climbing mountains and using a bank? I sing about gates being the meaning of a life well spent. Gates are awesome. Gates are prophetic. Gates are a way to get through one place to another…whoa.

Able to Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound…

Must have energy to do all the things. ALL THE THINGS! Well, it’s just not America if we can’t bottle some sort of synthetic adrenaline. How is Jason Statham not the spokesman for this thing?

Big Pimpin

Obviously, John Carter went wrong with casting.

Needs a Marriage App

Poor Siri, she just wants to know if she’ll ever have a room at daddy’s apartment or if she’ll have to sleep in the bathtub again.

The Password to McDonald’s is Fidelio

Look at it this way — it’s probably not bad if everybody does it.

Oh, Tablet, You So Get Me.

Well, if coolness were measured in tablets, something called the Asus would pretty much guarantee that you’d require a bedazzled cat sweater in the near future.

Stuck in the Middle With You

At some point the gazelle just accepts its fate.

Because the iPad 3 Won’t Be Bought By Everyone

This doesn’t mean every douche won’t try and buy one. For those who fail, perhaps that means your arms smell like olives, and you wear ugly shoes, Mario Batali. This is your future.

For the Tom Cruise in You

(You’ll know what that means when you watch the clip.)

Hilarious Scientology Parody – Watch More Funny Videos

* Hat Tip to Cletar for introducing us to Rock God-Awful

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