This week, Ke$ha waits for the designers in Central Park, skin glistening like a Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Small bits of krill and shrimp shells are hanging from her stringy locks as she tells the sewtestants that they have to accost random strangers and get them to hand over their clothes. As always, there are spoilers inside, so click at ya own risk!
Ke$ha hands each designer $150 and tells them they can use this cash to get people to give up the clothes they are wearing, and they can buy something at Mood with whatever’s left. Pulling a bedazzled flare gun out of her pants, Ke$ha fires a shot into the air and the designers scatter! As the designers race towards their intended victims, Miss Sugarbaker excels in the “Fifty Yard Run Like A Girl Dash.”
Some of the designers fare better than others. Kara makes a love connection with a cute boy in a fuschia polo. Miss Sugarbaker finds Jarrod (he calls himself “Diego” while he’s on camera) and gets him to take off his jorts. Not one to waste an opportunity, Austin goes after “Diego” and asks for his underwear, and instead gets his number. Austin is immediately declared the winner of this challenge and everyone turn off your televisions now. The end.
Oh, that wasn’t it, huh? Okay, fine. A quick trip to Mood and it’s a rehash of last season’s money troubles. Remember Enya and her wanting everyone to give her a dollar? Well, it’s Kara, this time. Miss Sugarbaker and Michael cough up the cash to get Kara what she wants, and we’re back to the worktomb. I mean workroom.
Because we haven’t done enough product placement lately, Austin runs over to the HP TouchSmart Wall-Mount Compu-Tron Display and does some Minority Report shuffling of the photographs he took in Central Park. With a swift wave of his hand, he dismisses the photos, and what’s that behind them? Some sort of video. What do you see, Austin? Is it a crime against fashion, to be committed in the near future? Prevent future fashion crime, Austin! We are depending on you!
The images aren’t clear, so Austin and the crew head back to their Designer Dungeon Dorm Room for a quick nap. The next day, Officer Austin of the Fashion Pre Crime Unit interviews Miss Sugarbaker, and he starts to suspect he knows who will commit the crime. Austin, stay cool! Tabatha a/k/a Joanna Coles strides confidently into the workroom and interrogates the sewtestants. While Tabatha distracts the other designers, Miss Sugarbaker runs into the confessional room and says Jerrell’s creation is very “Coming To America,” which nobody can deny, nobody can deny. Finally, Tabatha interrogates Miss Sugarbaker, and he tries to speak quickly and use lots of gestures to bamboozle her and shift suspicion of future fashion crime onto Michael, a/k/a “The Victim.”
Cutting, ripping, soon we will be sewing, sewing, yes we’re always working, working, models come for fitting, fitting. Officer Austin gets a clear precog and believes he’s ready to accuse Jerrell and his crazy outfit of a future fashion crime, but he doesn’t have enough evidence for a conviction. Meanwhile, Miss Sugarbaker keeps up a constant stream of chatter, trying desperately to convince Officer Austin that he’s going to avoid committing a future fashion crime. Consulting the HP TouchSmart Wall-Mount Compu-Tron Display, Officer Austin is looking for enough facts to close the case, but there’s too much fugly in the workroom. There’s no telling who is going to be arrested. We’re just going to have to let all the designs go to the runway and let the fashion crime happen. Oh, Officer Austin, this won’t look good on your record.
Besides Queen Marchesa and Everybody’s Girl Isaac, today’s guest judge is hockey player and Vogue intern Sean Avery. If you read that and said to yourself, “Who?” then you win a prize.
Michael “The Victim” Costello’s adult diaper/onesie/cameltoe option comes down the runway. The judges squint, look slightly pained, and charge him with a fashion misdemeanor. Officer Austin’s 1980’s mean girl cocktail dress walks and he is declared innocent of all charges. Kara’s pajama jeans and asymmetrical top receive a pass. Mila’s color-blocked (no, really?) skin-tight pants and asymmetrical white and grey striped shirt (which looks like it was made from the dress she wore on runway day in the previous challenge) also fly under the radar.
All sorts of bells and whistles and sirens and klaxons stir to life as Jerrell’s violation of the Geneva Fashion Code appears. Part Nina Hagen, part video vixen, part Annabelle from Bow Wow Wow, this look screams “I Want Candy” and not in a good way. Officer Austin leaps to his well-shod feet, ready to arrest Jerrell, but the judges bid him to sit back down. All the crimes must be reviewed before judgement is passed. Rami’s khaki shorts and folded top/vest receive a small commendation, so he won’t be going to the pokey any time soon, more’s the pity. Kenley’s (mostly) black and white stripey dress is given a “get out of jail free” card, even though she put some odd red half-circles near the model’s ovaries.
Miss Sugarbaker’s easy breezy outfit comes out from behind the scrim and a red flashing light appears above it. Where did that fabric come from, Miss Sugarbaker? None of this looks like what you stole from people in the park. In a surprise guest spot, Susan Sarandon walks Mondo’s outfit down the runway. Apparently this is penance for her appearance in “The Banger Sisters” since she has the same hairdo she did in the movie.
When it comes time for the jerdging, the goils are all sent back to the stew room. In the end, Rami takes third, Austin takes second and Mondo wins this week’s challenge. Well done Mondo!
Jerrell’s crimes are forgiven and he runs off of the runway. The fashion future crime police enter the room as Ke$ha announces that either Michael “The Victim” or Miss Sugarbaker are going to be taken away for their crimes against fashion. In the end, The Victim is pardoned and Officer Austin leads Miss Sugarbaker away. “You tried hard to avoid this conviction, I know, but your crimes against fashion cannot be forgiven,” Austin intones quietly as Miss Sugarbaker is led away. Below, you may review the evidence used in the conviction.
