Welcome to the 84th Annual Academy Award liveblog. Or, more precisely, Crasstalk’s liveblog of Hollywood’s 84th annual night of self-congratulatory backslapping and too long speeches about people none of us care about. Billy Crystal has been dusted off and trotted out after a shake-up in the hosting and directing duties that took out Eddie Murphy. Grab your cocktail, set your TV over to ABC, and let’s get this 10 hour party started.
Hello! Prosecco is popped and it’s RED CARPET TIME!
I’ve been on E! doing some previewing for you and here’s the rundown so far:
The trend of the night seems to be SPARKLE! Early arrivals: Rose Byrne (best dressed nominee), Ellie Kemper (terrible hair), and Lea Thompson (yes, she’s still around) are all glittering down the red carpet. Mila Jovovich looks like a white hot star in Ellie Saab, who also dressed Berenice Bejo in a seafoamy-minty green number with sheer and broken glass overlay. Her co-star Missi Pyle is wearing the teal green dress for this year.
Melissa McCarthy looks luxurious in nude and diamonds but her co-star Wendy Mclendon-Covey missed the mark with a bland colored and ill-fitting gown. Beloved cougar Jane Seymour is staying with the SPARKLE! theme in a red hot red get-up from Fredrick’s of Hollywood. The ladies from The Descendants are looking the most fashion forward as group. Jessica Chastain…well, I’ll let you catch up.
4:45 – Okay! Viola Davis has arrived in a rich emerald green dress and cooper hair. She looks fabulous.
4:49 – Tonight’s co-musical director, Pharrel Williams is too small for all the clothes he has on and the clown-sized tie.
4:50 – Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann look like a Hollywood couple, which is nice until the ugly divorce.
4:54 – Michelle Williams harkens back to her shocking days and has gone with a Louis Vuitton in an undefinable color. Reddish, coralish, something or other in many layers. Not crazy about the necklace at all.
4:57 – Chatty Kathy Rooney Mara is wearing Givenchy that she picked this morning. Oh how cool as a cucumber is she? She has a look that not many others have so there’s that. Whoever the foghorn is behind Ryan needs to be silenced with a tranquilizer gun.
5:00 – Switching over to ABC now.
5:02 – ABC has no stars yet so back to E! where they have Octavia Davis who looks beautiful in the double trend of the night: white and SPARKLE! (Her date isn’t so bad either).
5:06 – Jonah Hill went with the idiotic all black ensemble to perhaps show that he is really just in the shadow of all the real stars there tonight.
5:07 – GRANDPA TIM GUNN! He has Maya Rudoplh in a purpley thing. She looks okaaaaaaay but needed bigger earrings…and maybe some lipstick and other make-up.
5:09 – Gah. Seacreatin has Jean Dujardin who is exactly what we want a male star to look like but preferably in our bed. The tie seems to be riding up but I would try to get closer to his mouth, too.
5:12 – Kristin Wiig continues her disappointing moment in the bland and is wearing a strangely colored dress with bland hair and bland make-up. Total snoozefest.
5:16 – The men of The Descendants. Moving on, Jessica Chaistain is best dressed nominee. She really brought it in the black tulle with gold embroidered gown. Stunning hair and make-up. Perfection!
5:17 – The Dictator just dumped ashes on Seacreatin! Well, can’t say that others haven’t wanted to do that for as long as Seacrest has been on TV.
5:21 – Emma Stone – TOO DIE. Fushia lusciousness head to toe. Stunning. Easy A (wah wah waaaah).
5:20 – The Price of Monaco and his prisoner bride wife are there to celebrate his mother’s win 20 years ago.
5:24 – NGMFFDMCM and Tim Gunn are breaking it down with for us. “Rooney Mara is Audrey Hepburn gone punk” – okay, sure.
5:25 – Back to Seacreatin who needs some lotion because he’s looking a little ashy. Melanie Griffith looks like the corpse bride. Tina Fey looks like Tina but a bit purdier. Maybe she can direct Wigg to her stylist.
5:29 – Oh there’s HEY HO JLO who is whoring it up again. Did you know she’s single and newly divorced. Did you know that?
5:31 – Fred doesn’t like Viola Davis’ hair color. Where did I put that Block IP button?
5:31 – Michelle Williams needs to turn around because the back looks more interesting than the front.
5:32 – You really can’t say anything bad about Christopher Plummer except that it was nice of Hugh Hefner to let him borrow his tux.
5:35 – Okay, FINE! We’ll talk about Clooney and his Rent-a-Date. They look good. She’s insufferable in that dress because she looks like the Oscar statue’s girlfriend but George looks like the dreamy getting to be creepy hottie that he always has.
5:40 – Seriously. Kristin Wiig needs to read a magazine, hire a stylist or look in the mirror. Nude is NOT for her and she’s done it all season. The co-writer at least is wearing color.
5:43 – Colin Firth is my boyfran. Shut up, the rest of you. His wife is smuggling the rest of the ashes that weren’t spilled on Ryan in that boob tray.
5:46 – E! is talking to some Real Housewife of Jersey Shore who is stuffed into a scarf and offering fashion advice. I’ll pass, thank you, Snookie in 10 years.
5:48 – NM. Jean Dujardin is my boyfran. Sorry, Colin.
5:52 – Did you also know that HEY HO JLO grew up in the Bronx? Did you? She did.
5:53 – Nick Notle is going to eat that woman who is not Rose Byrne. From Missing Peace: When did Nick Nolte turn into Marlon Brando?
5:55 – Zach Galifainkaoisnizzle looks pretty dapper and managed to not spill anything on anyone.
5:56 – Penelope Cruz is a vision in lilac, even if her hair is schlacked. Now, where’s her husband, Javier?
5:58 – Natalie Portman is wearing a Polly Anna at the prom served up with a boob tray.
6:00 – Gwennie is wearing Extra Virgin Olive Oil white with a cape. She’s the Insufferable Superhero.
6:01 – Is that Cameron Diaz or Courtney Love?
6:04 – I would let Jason Segal get it. BECAUSE HE’S TALL!
6:04 – Porn star Bradley Cooper is there.
6:06 – Gwennie’s dress is amazing and her body looks so good. Hate (two snaps in a circle).
6:07 – Glenn Close worked it out with a tailored coat and fabulous dress. So, she’s in character, like The Dictator.
6:09 – Stop it, Leggy McLegerson and your Dior whispering.
6:10 – Sandra Bullock looks fashion forward and interesting…let’s see what it looks like on the carpet.
6:15 – Angelina Jolie is wearing something black, like her soul.
6:22 – I was getting a drink when Sandra the Immovable Faced One Time Bus Driver was being interviewed. Y U HATE YOUR FACE, SANDY? The dress is fantastic, though.
6:16 – I know men dislike shaving but has anyone seen Brad Pitt’s face in years?
6:25 – Chris Rock is reprising his role as Pookie.
GET YOUR DRINKS FULL AND GET COMFY. GO!
6:28 – Don’t Trust the B______ in Apt 23? I DID NOT give anyone permission to make a show about me.
6:30 – SHOW TIME
6:30 – Where’s your grand-daughter/wife, Morgan?
6:31 – It’s Billy Crystal so of course there’s a montage to kick it off. He looks like an old lady.
6:32 – Ugh. The Biebs and his hair are here. He looks pretty. Nice nod to Eddie Murphy by playing another character. PRINCESS BRIDE SHOUT OUT!
6:34 – Tom’s wig deserves an Oscar.
6:36 – Meryl and her ill-fitting SPARKLE! He looks like he’s going to his daughter’s cotillion.
6:35 – Billy Crystal as Tin Tin is nightmare fuel (nice commercial in there, too)
6:39 – Stab him, kid! Now’s your chance!
6:38 – It’s 1988 again with a song and dance routine of the best movies nominees!
6:41 – “Now they had a voice and they chose to shout it.” Sigh.
6:42 – Tom Hanks is preparing for Cletar’s biopic. Nice guy, Carl in his tux from 1963. That’s cute.
6:44 – The winner for best pictures of a picture goes to Hugo. I AM SHOCKED!
6:46 – The winner for art direction and set design goes to Hugo. QUELLE SURPRISE! (I’m practicing french for my boyfran, Jean). BUNGA BUNGA, Italy!
6:46- JOE MY GAWD Sheila E is playing. This night just got a zillion times more interesting.
6:48 – Super controversial and newly outed gay Ellen is spokespersoning for JCP. Or, excuse me, jcp. Hide your children!
6:50 – No idea why this show is called GCB but I will probably watch it.
6:50 – So the theater is going to be the focus of the jokes? This is Obama’s fault. FIX THE GD SOUND!
6:52 – It’s the people staring montage!
6:53 – It’s the totally cliche movie scenes that we see every year montage!
6:54 – Hold it together, Courtney Cameron.
6:56 – Oscar for best costume design goes to The Artist. I smell a sweep.
6:57 – Cameron should never do an accent ever again.
6:58 – When dumb chicks improvise, this happens. Well, it’s not like it wasn’t their best sides.
6:58 – The Oscar for make-up goes to Iron Lady.
7:00 – GUISE! The very important people are talking about the very important times they went to the movies. Let’s listen.
7:02 – From Ornery Babe: I have seen NONE OF THE MOVIES but I will have ALL THE OPINIONS.
I guess now would be the time to say that I have not seen a single one of these movies, either. But I’m mostly through my bottle of partially frozen prosecco. So, even?
7:06 – Oh hey weird lady licking her teeth like you are going eat Sandra Bullock. The face is frozen but the dress moves.
7:07 – Did we just give an Oscar to a movie made by someone in Iran? OBAMA IS IN CHARGE OF THE OSCARS. DAMN, LIBRUHLS.
7:09 – This is actually the ONLY time when making a political speech is acceptable is when all the warheads in the world are pointed in your country’s direction.
7:11 – Christian Bale has only one award show outfit and it should be naked rather than this Wyatt Earp ensemble. I would like to get in his eyeline.
7:13 – The Oscar for Best Supporting Actress goes to Octavia Spencer. Oh, they haven’t announced it yet?
7:13 – TOLD YOU! I’m clairvoyant. Bow to me! Bow, I say!
7:15 – Why are they standing and why isn’t the sound fixed?
7:15 – Nice for a woman who has worked long and hard in the industry to be recognized.
7:15 – This is the best music this show has ever had.
7:20 – Don’t Billy and his friends know that brown is the new black?
7:22 – Including the cast of any Christopher Guest movie is the best move, so far.
7:24 – What did Tine Fey do to deserve the porn star co-presenter? It’s like Dumb and Dumber with all the dumb in one person. Best film editing goes to the edgy guys from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo who also did The Social Network. I would like to make a sandwich with them. Sound editing goes to Hugo. Hmmmm. Not as hot as the other two. Hugo wins again for sound mixing. Great job, Hugo and all these guys. NEXT!
7:31 – Tchotchke summed up that last 7 minutes best: “You guys are nominated for an award tonight, but you are homely sound editors, so we’re going to seat you in the back of the house. Make sure you book it to the stage, nerds because your time starts the second we call your names.”
7:33 – EVERYONE SHOULD BE WATCHING HAPPY ENDINGS!
7:37 – It’s Cirque Des Oscars with LXD!
7:38 – I often stand and stick my leg straight up in the air in movie theaters. It’s more subtle than working the corner.
7:39 – Hey lady doing a handstand on the back of my chair? Can you get off my hair, please?
7:41 – Let’s highlight the old white guys because THEY DON’T GET ENOUGH ATTENTION.
7:43 – Sometimes I wonder if Gwennie takes herself as seriously as she does on her blog. Maybe she’e the kind of girl who ALWAYS needs a cocktail.
7:43 – Oscar goes to Undefeated for Best Documentary. Frat brahs make a cool movie, dude.
7:45 – Chris Rock keeping it real, okay?! Rango wins for Best Animated Feature. A reptile wins an Oscar, what’s new?
7:50 – Pixar animated Game of Thrones?
7:52 – Hahaha Emma Stone is the visual effect. Or Ben Stiller is. He must be 5’1″. Hugo wins AGAIN, this time for visual effects. So, uh, go see this movie, jerks.
7:58 – Billy Crystal’s tux reminds me of Steve Martin in Father of the Bride when he puts on the old tux in the attic and tries to make it fit. Oh Melissa Leo, never stop being a brilliant actress who overdoes it at awards shows.
8:00 – Best supporting old man is Christopher Plummer! Yay! Maybe he’ll sing Edelweiss. No, he really deserves this. ‘BOUT TIME, A-HOLES! Man, he makes a good point that Oscar is only two years older than him. That’s some real talk.
8:10 – Yes, the dog from The Artist is cute. But today on the E! pre-show, Crystal the Capuchin monkey who starred in four movies this year popped Ross in the head. It made everything worth it. Even this.
8:14 – I like how they got two people for whom English is not their first language to present – Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson. And the Oscar for best original sound goes to another furiner for The Artist. Obama is out of control.
8:16 – Maybe I’m drunk but this is funny. I see I spelled the guy’s name correctly, earlier.
8:18 – If Beyonce doesn’t sing the songs for Best Original Song, does anyone really win the Oscar?
8:20 – They really want it to be 1949 again!
8:25 – My god, woman. Haven’t you taken enough other people’s husbands! From Delta Sierra: Oh gimme a fuckin’ break with the hand on the hip and the leg stuck out. Playing to the cheap seats much?
8:27 – The Oscar for adapted screenplay goes to the writers for The Descendants who WIN EVERYTHING for making fun of Angelina. Seriously, the show is over. That was the best moment of the night.
8:30 – Woody Allen wins for Best Original Screenplay. Too bad Angelina said his name between sucking down tabs.
8:32 – Are we supposed to be having these “genuine” moments with these actors? TOO EARNEST, ACADEMY.
8:38 – What were they spraying on the red carpet, tonight? “Pixie dust?”
8:40 – Meh. Not funny enough for that group. Best Live Action Short film goes to The Shore and a father and daughter made the movie. Super sweet. So there’s that. Now, see. Slamming Grey Goose. Those are my kind of ladies. The winner of Documentary Feature (besides being the full back of the theater) goes to Saving Face. OH HI HOT MAN. I would like to order you around like you did with the Pakastani lady. Something else won for short animated film that has too many words in the title to be short. I like the swamp rats, though.
8:51 – From Enesbit15: So, this Twitter account has already been started: @AngiesRightLeg. FOLLOW IT (just not too far).
8:53 – Best Director aka the person who is getting laid by the most young stars after this show goes to Michel Hazavichnus from The Artist. TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE A SWEEP!
8:55 – Behold, Miss Meryl in her SPARKLE! Oh Lordy Oprah has the “O” in EGOT, now. The applause is subdued because everyone is looking for the keys to their new car under their seats (too easy). That was a nice song played on a Casio.
9:04 – Somber hats, please. Time for the In Memorium about Billy’s friends. DO NOT PLAY I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! Wait, Esperanza Spalding? It’s suddenly all worth it. The singer was Esperanza Spalding.
9:14 – Natalie’s dress looks like her mom made it from a pattern found at Joanne’s and bought the necklace at Claire’s. George is irregular. I miss the semi-circle of doom they did for the acting nominees.
9:18 – The Oscar goes to Jean Dejardin who is “well-known and celebrated in his native France,” according to the announcer. The French are taking over, just like Obama planned. Soon, we will all be sayign: OUAI!
9:23 – What was that about no joy in France? 1940 called and wants its joke back.
9:29 – The Oscar goes to Meryl Streep. Not that she isn’t deserving of it but oh Academy, you are so predictable.
9:33 – Tom should let his plastic surgeon out of the basement and share him with Hollywood. He still looks like he did 30 years ago.
9:35 – The big Kahuna goes to The Artist! Can you hear that? It’s the sound of victory! The Academy voters just wanted to watch old films of their childhood.
And with that, I bid you bon nuit, mes amis. La revolution will be televised!