Grab your kids, lock your refrigerator and load up your butter gun, today’s feud involves two chefs: Southern butterball, Paula Deen and my boyfriend New Jersey smartass, Anthony “Tony” Bourdain.
After a year of speculation, Deen has admitted to the public that she was diagnosed with type-II diabetes three years ago. During that three year period, Deen actively kept her diagnosis a secret and continued her role as America’s leading deep-fried evangelist. Her television programs and cookbooks repeatedly featured high calorie, fat-laden dishes and she maintained a lucrative gig as salted-meats provider, Smithfield’s spokesperson, while her fans remained in the dark about her condition.
While Deen was pushing Krispy Kreme bacon burgers and Twinkie pie on an unsuspecting American public, Bourdain repeatedly sustained criticism for daring to call Deen irresponsible and dangerous. Actually, his exact comments were: “The worst, most dangerous person in the world…I would think twice before telling an already obese nation that it’s OK to eat food that is killing us. Plus, her food sucks.”
At the time, Deen’s public relations army responded by asserting that the cranky sexpot Anthony Bourdain was an elitist who had lost touch with how real Americans eat (left-over Domino’s pizza and Faygo?) and that he was a bully with too much time on his hands. Naturally, Middle-America’s spokespeople–the kindly vultures of FOX–caught wind of the story and ran it into the ground.
The debate was no longer about healthy eating and the responsibilities that come with being a public figure. Now, the narrative centered around a battle between coastal elites and kindly Southern grandmas with wig collections bigger than Cher’s. This was an act of deviant brilliance on Deen’s part. She and her spokespeople managed to distract the public from the real issue in the same way someone might pull their genitals out of their pants to distract you from the fact that they are stealing your wallet. Public opinion swung in her favor and Bourdain looked like a jerk.
However, this most recent development–along with the news that Deen has signed a deal to become a diabetes medication spokesperson–has served to vindicate Bourdain. It is hard not to see Deen in a new light. So much of her career has centered around her image as a sweet-hearted Georgia matzoball Peach and now she looks like a money-hungry monster so devoid of integrity that she would mine her own ailing health for profit.
For his part, Bourdain has taken to Twitter (just as all opinionated objects of my desire must), saying:
“Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later.”
