Tension and conflict. Action and resolution. These are the themes for the premiere episode of Project Runway All Stars (PRAS). The producers artfully sprinkled our designers around lower Manhattan and had them act surprised as they “ran into each other.” So you had Sweet P standing on the curb like Cyndi Lauper in 1982, Elisa Jimenez floating above the sidewalk on a cloud of eldritch energy, Rami handing out neck braces to all the men who got whiplash cruising him. Kenley dashing to and fro with pinking shears, hoping to poke someone’s eye out. Anyone’s eye, really. As always, there are spoilers inside, so read on at your own risk!
Belching a cloud of rainbow glitter, Ke$ha appears and saddles up the designers for their first exercise. Everyone was instructed to bring a garment that shows “who they is” and glory of glories, they get to accessorize said garment with a trinket from the Neiman Marcus Accessory Wall (NMAW). Oh ho, chortle our observant viewers. No more PiperLime, eh? BlueFly was told shoo fly, eh? Apparently someone at NM (who owes a favor to someone at Marchesa?) decided to get in on the not-so-upscale accessory biz. No, that’s not fair. The accessories we were shown on the NMAW really did look upscale. Maybe a little too Vegas, a little too Atlantic City for the average NM shopper, and yet, better than what you’d find at TJ Maxx.
Designers put their clothes on the hangers I mean models, we’re off to the Tresemme Ooh La La Hair-Did Emporium with a swing through the L’Oreal You’re So Worth It Makeup Gun Shootin’ Range (Hi, Makeup Bear!) and then we parade these pre-made looks past this season’s “joodges.” Miss Isaac Mizrahi pops out from behind the scrim, looking more like she’s a guest on the Maury Povich show than a serious judge, and then comes Miss Georgina Chapman, founder of Marchesa (where have I seen that name before) and wife of one of the Weinstein brothers (how did she get this job, again?) looking all freshly botoxed and buffed. The parade goes on, no one gets their fee fees hurt, and the designers head off to their luxurious apartment I mean bunk bed concentration camp.
Once the designers are in their gilded cage, they are treated to a very special showing of a DVD of Valentino and his assistant Giametti speak-a the English-a good, yes? Bananarama’s Robert Deniro Is Waiting wafted gently in the background. Tears were shed. Beauty everywhere.
But beauty is fleeting, and so the gang is shuffled back onto the gritty streets of the Meatpacking District. The sidewalk looks like a Jackson Pollock painting from all the wads of gum that people have spat on it. It’s such a bright, hot day (when was this shot? July 2011?) that the designers didn’t catch the sound of cheap plastic bangle bracelets clanking against a bottle of Jack Daniels until it was too late. Ke$ha wafts her way out of a sewer grate in front of a 99 cent store, and tells the designers in a drunken rage to “get in the damned store, and make me some costumes for my next tour, bitches!” As Ke$ha lost focus and slid down the store’s front window, she muttered that whatever the designers made had to be inspired by the piece they had brought with them and showed the day before.
The only incidents worth noting in the low-price bodega are that Michael and April (who is 24 but looks 65 with her gray hair copied from Lady Gaga) both bought mop heads, Miss Sugarbaker tried to pull down a light fixture, and Austin’s hair got mussed. Off to the workroom. Also, Ke$ha got picked up by the po-po while the designers were shopping.
In the workroom, Michael and April are cutting each other the side eye and rattling bracelets at one another. Elisa received a special spirit transmission from Radio Xixax and immediately started working underneath her table, because that’s how it goes when Xixax tells you what to do. Poor Joanna Coles, poor poor Joanna Coles walks in the work room, and her spine visibly stiffens. It’s obvious she’s been talking to Tabatha Coffey as she tries to get the designers to straighten up and fly right, but Joanna doesn’t quite have the slash and burn Tabatha ethic, now does she?
The run-up to the run-way features Austin patching up his Tiffany-blue condom dress (a hole in a condom? ironic) and a swirl through the Tresemme Ooh La La Hair-Did Emporium with a twirl in the L’Oreal You’re So Worth It Makeup Gun Shootin’ Range (Hi again, Makeup Bear! Call me!)
The runway show wasn’t too eventful, except for Michael and April’s nearly identical mop dresses, and Elisa’s model totally muffing the spreading of her garment’s “wings.” Honestly, as HV said in the liveblog, Isaac was so busy eye-fucking Rami and his deep v neck (and weren’t we all) that he didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to who made what and why. Georgina Chapman (from this point forward, known as ROL or Rich Old Lady) looked nonplussed at most of the garments presented. Guest judge Neiman Marcus Fashion Director Ken Downing (who, let’s be honest, looks like he should be sold in their catalog) kept his comments vaguely positive. Smart move there, Ken. TV is a new thing for NM, and you’re really here as a favor to the ROL, so, no need to get theatrical.
Michael, April, Austin, Mila, Anthony, Kara and Kenley are summarily dismissed as being in the middle. Jerell and his emaciated chest and his shirt big enough for Aretha Franklin take third, Mondo takes a close second and Rami wins the first challenge. Mondo looks twelve kinds of adorable with his straw hat and his black knee socks with white polka dots. Don’t you just want to pinch his cheeks and ask him to the ice cream social?
Sweet P, Elisa and Gordon are the bottom three. Gordon takes third from the bottom, leaving Sweet P to stub her toe on the runway and attempt to look adorable, while Elisa communes with the Sky Goddess of Antares Prime, licking her fingers (and offering to bless the ROL by sucking on hers). In the end, the weirding ways of Elisa (“Shai-Hulud!”) are sent back to the Reverend Mothers of the Bene Gesserit, as Sweet P literally sprinted off the runway and back to the safety of the stew room.
So there you have it! One episode down, one designer gone, no limbs lost, no puncture wounds. All in all, a successful venture.
