Well hello there, zombie enthusiasts. Were you as excited as I was for The Walking Dead Christmas Special: A Zombie In A Pine Tree? What? You missed it? No worries, I recapped it for you. Consider it a belated holiday present.
We left off last season in a hail of bullets as our intrepid travelers used the barn zombies for target practice, including that damned kid, Sophia. When the shooting ended, everyone fell silent as all eyes turned to Shane, who caused the carnage by letting the zombies out early for good behavior. Hershel spoke first. “I want you all off of my land, now. All of you.” And with that, he turned to walk back to his farmhouse, with most of his nameless family following close behind. Except for Maggie, who stayed by Glenn’s side.
Rick stormed back to his camp and grabbed a shovel. When he returned, he started furiously digging graves. “We got no time for that, Rick,” Shane pleaded, “the man wants us off his land.” But Rick insisted that burying the dead was the right thing to do, and continued shoveling dirt, with Lori, Carl, and The Poor Man’s Jaime Lee Curtis joining him as the rest of the group went off to break down the camp and prepare to leave the relative safety of Hershel’s farm.
“Where are we gonna go, Rick?” Lori nagged as she dug a shallow pit for that damned kid Sophia. “I don’t know, but wherever it is, we’ll be together. Me, you, Carl, and the baby. That’s all that matters,” he responded. But just as he finished his spiel, one of the bodies starts moving. It’s that damned kid, Sophia. She lets out a low moan, reaches out with a spindly little arm, grabs Lori by the leg, and takes a big ol’ bite out of her ankle. Rick rams his foot through that damned kid’s skull, but it’s too late. Lori’s been bitten.
Over at Tent City, Blondie is helping Shane pack up the guns. “Where are we headed, Shane?” she asks. Gosh, these women really are annoying. He scowls at her. “Well is there a plan, or we’re just going to start driving along that highway again?” Jeezus, shut up, Blondie. He’s really not into chit-chat. Shane scoops up the guns and bags of ammo and throws them into the back seat of a car. “You coming?” he says to Blondie. She gives Shane a coy smile and piles into the front seat. “Glenn. And you, girl,” Shane shouts. “We’re leaving. You want a ride, you get in now. If not, you’re on your own.”
Glenn and Maggie look at each other, then at the farmhouse. They have a big decision to make–try to talk Hershel into letting Glenn stay after he sprayed bullets all over Hershel’s zombie family, or leave with the possibly-insane former sheriff who seems to be hopped up on a combination of testosterone and angst. They choose Shane and climb into the back seat of the car. But before they leave, Shane has one last invitation to bestow. “Hey. You coming?” he asks Formerly Racist Redneck. “Hell yeah I’m coming,” he replies as he slings his bow and arrow across his back. He turns around towards the barn and is about to shout something to The Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis, but Shane stops him. “No, just you.” A sadness envelopes Formerly Racist Redneck’s face as he realizes that in order to survive, he has to leave behind the only person who has ever shown him any love. He fires up his (surprisingly loud considering they are trying not to get eaten by zombies) motorcycle and rides away, with Shane’s car following close behind.
Hearing the motorcycle snaps Rick back to reality. He scrapes the zombie goo off of his foot, scoops up his injured wife, and runs towards the farmhouse. He bangs on the door. “Hershel! We need your help! My wife’s been bitten!” Hershel appears in the window with a gun. “I thought I told you to get off of my property,” he says in his most menacing voice. Rick pleads with him for help. Appealing to his ego, Rick whines, “You’re the only one that knows anything about the walkers. If anyone can save her, you can.” Hershel hesitates, but eventually opens the door and leads Rick back to the room where he performed open heart surgery on Carl. He says that an ankle bite is good, and that there’s a chance Lori can survive. However, her leg has to go. And with that, he asks one of his nameless children to fetch him a saw and a a lot of clean towels.
The scene cuts to Old Guy on top of the RV, watching through his binoculars as the tiny caravan drives away from the farm. “I wonder where they’re going,” he says in an exaggerated manner to Black Guy.
Shane and Formerly Racist Redneck navigate the highway, past the pile-up. Formerly Racist Redneck gives the sign that they made for that damned kid Sophia a longing glance as he rolls past, but otherwise he seems happy to be back on the road. But not long after leaving the traffic behind, they encounter a herd of walkers much bigger than the last one. “Waaaalllkers!” he yells for some reason, as if Shane can’t see the hundreds of decaying bodies headed right for them. “Get in the car!” Shane yells back as he slows down to a roll. Glenn opens up the back door and just as Formerly Racist Redneck climbs in, Shane floors it! He plows down zombies like a steamroller, their bodies bursting like puss-filled balloons. They’re pounding on the windows, clinging to the roof, splattered on the windshield, but they’re no match for Shane’s Duke’s Of Hazard-style driving skills and soon our group of five are out of danger, headed towards who-knows-what.
Encountering the herd was just the reminder everyone needed that they are no longer on the safe, quiet farm. Blondie and Glenn switch seats so that Glenn can be a look-out while Blondie cleans and loads their arsenal of guns. Formerly Racist Redneck half-heartedly suggests turning around to retrieve his motorcycle since the herd has likely passed, but he is met with silence. Motorcycles have no place in this kill-or-be-killed world. Maggie pokes her head into the front seat. “So. Where are we going?” she asks. “Don’t know,” replies Shane. “We’ll know when we get there,” adds Glenn, who gives her a reassuring look. Maggie slumps into the back seat, surveying her new home.
And there we have it. Our group has split in two: half have stayed in the safety of Hershel’s farm (with Lori about to lose at least her leg), and half are back on the road, driving into the unknown. So. What do you think? Will Shane’s crew be able to survive out there on their own? And is Hershel really saving Lori, or just dooming her to a (short) life of hopping away from walkers?
* You guys know I’m just messing with you, right? There is no Christmas Special, except the one in my head. Brraaaaiiinzzz….
Photo: Flickr
