Herman Cain, randy lady chaser, $9.99 pizza deal salesman, and all around comedic entity has probably scorched the earth his wedding vows were said upon. Seriously guys, he’s talking to his wife face-to-face today about the sugar daddy money financial assistance, he gave his mistress friend, Ginger White, of which his wife knew nothing about. Ho-Boy. Hermie will you be wearing a bullet proof vest to this meeting? If not, you probably should, and maybe a helmet.
All this talk about secret 13-year affairs have led some media folks to do a little thinking about that old thorn in one’s side — fidelity. And what they’ve found out is nothing short of miraculous.
Tammy Nelson Ph.D., sex and relationship expert; Psychotherapist; Author; International speaker, Argentinean flamenco dancer (no, not really) has decided to break down the enigma that is “cheating.” Okay, everybody, put on your best concerned, serious face, and maybe get out a protractor and a scientific calculator — because you are about to be schooled.
She starts off discussing all the ways affairs can happen nowadays since the whole computerized think box has developed a way to communicate without actually seeing someone.
The internet can feel like a gateway to a world of anonymous or casual sex. Everything from pornography to webcam sex to meeting an old flame through Facebook, the internet allows for a false sense of safety that increases the opportunity for cheating. In fact, one popular site hooks up married men and women for affairs. Their marketing slogan is “Life is short, have an affair.”
So, okay, Internet bad. Facebook is the devil, and that Ashley Madison site, which she won’t say by name, is probably the apex of sin and the IRS. We get it. If you want to share your wobbly bits with someone who’s not your spouse — pretty much going online could avail that opportunity. Sooo if you don’t want that to happen, you should probably not send dong shots via Twitter or Facebook to anyone over the internet lest you fall by accident into a crazy, stupefying, inexplicable affair that was in no way under your control. Got it. This is going to be so educational.
And this is exactly what she says! “With these constant temptations to stray, even the most faithful partners sometimes fall into situations that they regret the moment it begins.” It’s like she’s reading the script of a television drama, or perhaps using the whole “trolling for tail on the internet, and whoops! I found it!” logic that befalls us all like some cosmic Wile E. Coyote out there putting infidelity birdseed on the highway.
Not to fear though, it’s really not your fault. You are statistically going to cheat. At some point in your life there will be genitals in your face that you haven’t had previous knowledge of and you’re going to be compelled to smash them like an Idaho potato.
Americans never think of themselves as being the “type” of person to have an affair. In 2004, 82 percent of respondents to a survey about infidelity said affairs were always wrong, and the rest said affairs were almost always wrong. [Spirit Fingers says: These folks use the 30 second rule when it comes to cheating] In 2006, Americans said that adultery was worse than polygamy and human cloning. [Spirit Fingers says: What? Human cloning was on the list of considerations? Well, what do we think about cheating vs. say androids or Transformers?!] And yet there are some estimates that claim 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage.
So we’re all doomed, then? Mostly. According to Nelson, you’ll never be able to get your hormones under control. Basically, despite that fungal foot problem, and the severe halitosis your spouse has been putting up with for years, you, ogre person, will be humping and pumping like, well, Herman Cain. So Nelson says, “You should be concerned, not just with what your partner might do, but with your own potential temptation.”
Here are three things she says all you sexy bone beasts out there should look out for, and just so you know — you should prepare yourselves — because the information here is mind-blowing.
1. You haven’t made love to your partner in weeks or even months. You find you avoid situations that could lead to sex. You lie to your partner and say you’re tired or you have a headache. And since you’re Al Bundy, you’ll never discuss any of this with your partner, or look any deeper as to why this is occurring. Cheating is always the answer.
2. You are on the internet trawling to meet other people. You find yourself looking up your old boyfriend or girlfriend on Facebook and sending them a “Friend” request. You look at dating sites for married people interested in anonymous sex. You download photos of sexual partners for hire. You masturbate to fantasies of other people you know more than you do with thoughts of your partner. We knew about this one, right? The internet — it’s full of sex Gremlins just waiting to mess up your marriage. And also, Tammy, uh, your description here is so very specific. Are you doing this?! You are, aren’t you? Does Mr. Tammy know?
3. You are emotionally connected to someone other than your spouse in more important and intimate ways. You tell them all of your problems and confess your dissatisfaction in your marriage to this outside person. You talk to them about your sexual issues. You find that you text them and call them throughout the day. You think of telling them about your private thoughts instead of your spouse. You fantasize about them and wonder if they think of you in as well. You don’t include them in dinners or outings with your spouse but keep them to yourself. Keep them to yourself like a precious doll, dressed in knickers and a jaunty cap inside that anteroom in your basement. They are your own person pet. You’ve named him Maurice and he likes to rub oil on your feet. Anyway, oh, yes, this is all bad stuff.
Yes, I’ve made light of a very real situation that affects marriages on a daily basis. Cheating is a serious issue, however, it seems disingenuous to suggest that it’s merely something that just happens almost beyond the person’s control with such little restraint on our parts, and that we all don’t know what it is to cheat, how it starts, what it means, and the implications therein. Bottom line: You know when you’re being dishonest and when you’re committing infidelity. It goes without saying that if you value your relationship, you should discuss the problems that exist before seeking or engaging in an affair.
There are all types of relationships out there that work for various individuals, but if you have one built on monogamy, you know what the expectations are, and what boundaries not to cross.
