So the last story I wrote drunk was actually quite coherent. The editors MAY have had something to do with it. Maybe not. I wasn’t there when it happened. Who can say?
Got a sweet tooth, 20 minutes and are too fucking lazy to go the corner store for a Twix? Belly up and pay attention slores.
You will need ALL these things:
- Milk or cream, the more fat the better. Do not use buttermilk or sour cream or butter. If you have to be told this, stop reading and go buy a Twix instead. You are unworthy.
- White sugar. Not brown, hippies, WHITE.
- Corn syrup. Yes. Corn syrup. Again – white. It’s a chemical thing. You need two moleekcu… molecularly different types of sugar. The guy from Breaking Bad could explain it I’m sure. Shut up.
Peanut butter. I prefer Kraft chunky. Should you choose organic, or fresh ground or other hippy shit, you’re on your own. I make no guarantees. Got it?
Peanuts – optional, but the fibre is good considering the dreck you’re about to put in your mouth. Unsalted raw peanuts. Not dry roasted, not salted, not unsalted – RAW. Roast them in the oven until the store stank is gone from them. Should you try to substitute you run the very real likelihood of have the peanuts fall out of the fudge when you try to lift it your mouth. Use enough of the wrong peanuts and you will be left with shiny oily nuts and some crumbly fudge that can’t stick to shit on a stick. This is experience talking. Pay attention.
A strong spoon. Preferably not wooden.
A biggish pot with a good bottom. Nothing flimsy. You do not want to burn your fudge.
Put into pot and stir:
- 2 cups white sugar.
- 2-3 tablespoons of white corn syrup.
- 1 cup milk of some sort. The fatter the better. (Never tried it with condensed. If you’re feeling flush try it and let me know how that works for you.)
Bring to a boil then reduce until it’s gently roiling
If the milk forms gobs, stir them away. Other than that you can pretty much leave it on a medium low heat (2,3 or 4) for at least 10 minutes.
It’s done when you reach the soft ball stage. This is determined by putting a dab (enough to cover a dime) of fudge into a cup of room temperature water. If it forms a ball when you move it with your finger it’s done. Think about what kind of consistency you want when it cools. Firm snot is another indicator of the right consistency. Another indicator – if you used WHITE corn syrup as you were told to – is when the contents of the pot turn the colour of peanut butter. See how that all comes together? Kismet.
Now, this is the fun, OMGWTFLOL!!1! moment. Take about a cup of peanut butter THAT YOU HAVE KEPT IN THE FRIDGE BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE OF FOOD POISONING AND ARE NOT BRITISH SO YOU KEEP IN THE FRIDGE LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO. And plop it in the hot fudge.
The cold peanut butter into the hot fudge means you don’t have to stir this like a fiend as with other fudges.
Stir until the peanut butter is nicely combined, toss in the peanuts if you happen to have remembered them, then pour into a pie dish.
Too runny? Never sets? Toss it back in the pot for a few minutes keeping in mind the higher the heat the higher the chance that you’re burning the peanut butter. Not the best taste.
Too hard? You’re likely only to realize this too late so tough luck. Should you take the 5 seconds to do a soft ball test and realize you’ve gone to far – add some milk. 1/4 cup or 2 ounces should do er.
If it’s unsalvageable, relax. You’ve only spent about $1.50. Toss it and try again.
Time from go to woe approx 20 minutes. I think in my lifetime I have made this hundreds of times. Easey peasey lemon squeezy.
Directions for Divinity Fudge and Sea Foam to follow if this receives a goodly amount of complimentary comments.
