No, I’m not lurking around Toys R US waiting for someone to leave their child unattended. I am, however, starting to pick up speed as I careen down the hill into my mid-to-late-thirties. My age isn’t worrying me as much as my Father’s age and his health. He’s fairly obese and over 70 so I’m starting to think if I’m going to have a child and if that child will ever know my father, I better get on with finding a child.
There’s a lot to consider. First of all does my partner really want a child? He said he did when we started dating. This topic was one of my qualifiers for dating. “I want kids,” I’d say and then scrutinize his face for that “something you said just farted” look. We agreed, tentatively, that this sounded like a good goal to push into the five years down the road plan. Now it’s three years later and my clock feels like it’s ticking. How do I pass the time? As anyone would pass the time: A) reading B) scheming, which I’ll refer to as “planning.”
I just finished reading The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
The holiday season is marked with opportunities to draw closer with your bonds. On the drive to my parents house I brought it up, again. We had an open conversation about open adoption, (read the book) and decided that things were progressing well in our relationship. Just look at what a grown up and healthy exchange we were having. My partner talked about his fears that I’d come down sick and he’d be alone with baby. I said that we never knew what could happen. He could get hit by a bus. (Cheery stuff, fears are). Active military persons have children and go back to war zones. We agreed that there’s a million “what ifs” and that none of them meant we shouldn’t do this. We also agreed it was OK to start planning – which is good because I’m halfway to the baby store at this point.
On the drive home from a fairly peaceful visit with my parents, I said: “I hope my dad’s around to see us start a family.” I said this and left it alone, like casting a hook with some bait on it. It’s not manipulative for me to avoid a direct confrontation by simply suggesting an idea, is it? I like to think of it as sneaky.
While perusing the gift shop at the Dallas World Aquarium with my Brother, his family and our Mother, I launched into the adoption conversation with her. A veil of skepticism and negativity swept across her face. I would take this seriously but I’m starting to realize this isn’t so uncommon for mothers, especially not mine and it’s a trait I’ve definitely inherited.
“Won’t that be a problem, given the facts of life?” she asked.
I smiled at her coy reference to my sexuality made in public. My mother may never grace a PFLAG meeting. I’m aware of this.
“That we’re gay? There’s plenty of women that aren’t all hung up on that. I just read this book…” I told her about the book.
“It may not work out so easy here in Texas.” she warned me, after finding out that Dan and Terry from the book live in the Pacific Northwest, a place notoriously less religiously affiliated and more open minded than Texas, even Dallas. I decided to let it go and my niece had picked out a memento to take home: a six foot long stuffed animal snake she named “Dallasssssss.” I spoke with her as the voice of the snake, suggesting other names like “Cecil” and “Sammy”. She blushed in amusement but insisted her snakes name was Dallasssssss.
So here I am the next day, chewing on all this and I’m starting to wonder if my mother is right. Texas might prove a more difficult place to find an open minded birth mother. Without ruining the book (that you’re going to go buy, right?) I’ll say that Melissa the birth mother from the book, had her reasons for not putting “A good Christian home” at the top of her list like so many other prospective mothers. I can easily imagine that at least one local women may have a difference of opinion about the types of religion they may have had forced upon them here in the Bible Belt. What better way to continue one’s rebellious streak then to make sure their child is escorted safely out of the reach of religious hands that have been so punitive and heavy for so many years?
So I’m surfing the web today, researching open adoptions related to Texas, like this place. I’m also looking at gay parent support or meetup groups. Evidently one of the rookie mistakes is to let your child grow up thinking they are the only one. Luckily there is such a group and it has currently about 144 members. Once I find an agency I’ll see if I can peruse their example “Dear Birth Mother” letters to see how we “stack up” next to other couples. Having something to focus my energy on takes the edge off the waiting.
