Hey, you know those three investment bankers who claimed the $254 million Powerball jackpot even though they’re already filthy rich buggers who probably planned to buy dinosaur eggs and chinchilla dental floss just to make you feel stupid for being a struggling, pissant poor? Yeah, those guys? Well, they’re probably lying about everything, but most importantly about donating the money to charity. Where will all the gravy-filled obese millions go?
Tom Gladstone — a Greenwich, Connecticut resident and family friend of lottery winner Brandon Lacoff — alleges investment bankers, Tim Davidson, Lacoff, and Greg Skidmore set up a charity trust ‘as a front,’ while erroneously submitting themselves as the public face of the win. Instead of donating a large portion of the money to charity as they’d claimed, the real winner, an anonymous client of the three, has requested that the majority be invested for his personal gain. Awesome. So some rich dickhead hired these other dickheads to make a public show for the Connecticut Lottery Company, who wouldn’t release the funds unless someone showed up publicly to collect the winnings, and in doing so hoped that his master plan which entailed saying the winning ticket was purchased at a gas station by the three for $1 wouldn’t be scrutinized, even though these wealthy dudes are the ones claiming to win all that heaping moolah. Sure. Absolutely.
All of America is currently in a recession with a whole movement uprising against the 1% — yep, none of this would draw attention to three guys crapping diamond pinkie rings who just happened to land the biggest jackpot in Greenwich history. No one would look deeper into a story like that.
“Anonymous client” didn’t count on the fact that dickheads 1-3 would be so epically shady and weird during the lottery pomp and circumstance that they’d raise immediate suspicion. They wouldn’t discuss how they knew each other or any other details about how they came to win this money. Geniuses.
As it stands, the president of the Connecticut Lottery Company will have to determine if the claim is legitimate. If not, the claim could be thrown out and leave the supposed charities that were promised funds without those donations — that is if they were ever going to receive them in the first place.
But maybe all isn’t lost. Apparently million dollar jackpots just happen if you drink the water in old Greenwich. According to News Times, this win marks the third time in the past six months Greenwich produced a winner of a jackpot of at least $1 million.
Clearly, we’re all doing it wrong. In order to win millions you have to make millions, live in Connecticut which is some sort of fantasy town full of sorcerers and bridge trolls, AND be a total d-bag. Tall order.
