In this simmering pot, which often seems a bit too slow to boil, will questions be answered this week? Will we find Sophia? What is going on at the Greene farm, and finally will zombies rise again to remind us of what these characters really and truly face, or will we continue to only ponder the intricacies of humanity.
Let’s find out.
Highway to the Danger Zone: We open with a crowded highway and people stalled in their cars. We know that it’s not present day so we’re excited that it could be a flashback to what happened on the highway prior to Rick’s group finding it in the season opener four hundred weeks ago. Maybe we’ll see the horde of zombies and some real scary, tense, bloodbath action. Yay! Then we see Shane with what looks like matted wombat fur on his head (Seriously did they find that wig on a Macy’s mannequin in 1962?), then there’s Lori, Carol, Carl, and we’re like what the ferg is this? A dream sequence? Urgh.
We’re back in time with the group before Rick came back. Carol’s POS husband is there being a dick. Sophia is not chomped on, but really who cares! If there’s no zombie attack we pretty much know what’s going to happen here! This was just some moment in time when these strangers happened to meet during the beginning of the apocalypse, and yawr, we already figured out that the military bombed the cities. Okay, whatever! No zombies! This was a waste of introductory minutes and useful zombie mauling time. Why not show us with zombies what led everyone to leave town in the first place? That would be a cool flashback series. Did a zombie neighbor get into Lori and Carl’s house and they had to run for their lives? Was Carol and POS Husband trying to loot a grocery store and got cornered by a few zombies in the parking lot? Was the sheriff’s office overrun and Shane had to fight a few turned deputies off? See? This is the kind of introductory filler that would be great for the show.
Sigh.
Lori wakes up in a tent on Hershel’s property with the knowledge that she’s carrying ShaneRick spawn. She’s late for the day’s chores which apparently include hanging dry laundry on a line outside. I’ve never seen that. You know the hanging of dry laundry on a line. Have they developed a new system of air cleaning, or maybe since the water is just polluted with zombie innards they’re not taking any chances and have devised a non-water approach to cleaning? Is this what this is? Not sure how that works. See AMC, it’s subtle details like this that drive some of us a little nuts. It’s such a lazy approach. Anyway, poor distraught Carol thinks up the bright idea of cooking dinner for the Greene group, since they’ve been so nice in letting the Grimes gang sleep outside in tents while hanging dry laundry and eating — I don’t know socks and slugs while everyone else has electricity in the big house. Carol also proclaims Lori to be the group’s “First Lady” which makes Rick the President. Rick is Barack Obama. This is big news. I have a feeling these appointments will be challenged in episodes to come.
So what’s the rest of the crew doing while all this laundry is being make-believe washed and Presidents are elected? Well, making yet another plan on how to find the ever lost and ever irritating Sophia! Today, kids, we’re going to talk about grids. Everybody is going to get their own grid. T-Dog, Andrea, Shane, and some new kid who just appeared out of nowhere. Was I alone in saying Who the fuck are you? Does Hershel just make people out in the shed? Anyway, no name kid is along for the search. Daryl is going to borrow a horse. Shane looks nonplussed, and Rick isn’t wearing that sheriff’s uniform. Did you peep that, Peeps? Sheriff Rick has finally lost that damnable hat. There’s symbolism here. I don’t care. There’s also some nonsense about Daryl seeing a Chupacabra. Great! Stop looking for that kid! This is a waste of time! Oh, sorry. Nobody but me said that.
Boom Chicka Wow Wow Ew: While the rest of the team is devising yet another way to waste an entire episode, Glenn is trying on his best Mac Daddy Shoes. He’s on the porch, where no other Grimes gang member can go apparently, and tries being cool on for size. He’s strumming a sexy guitar when Maggie, his pharmacy hookup, comes out. Yikes. This is uncomfortable. He wants more sex. More dirty, looted store, end of the world, “Let’s bone because it’s either that or look for that dumb kid” sex. He makes his intentions known by casually mentioning that there are eleven more condoms left. Maggie says “Yeah, that’s eleven minutes I won’t get back.” Good one, Maggie! Except you already tasted his sex pudding and he knows it. Glenn gets all squinty, leans in seductively, and says Maggie should think about being his slammin, jammin, sex piece again. It was so very Scott Howard from Teen wolf. Ew. Aww. Ew. Derp!
Let’s move on to some other dudes discussing some sex stuff during a zombie apocalypse, because if we ain’t talking about morality and the existence of a higher power, we should be talking about mashing hangy bits.
Rick and Shane decide to have a good heart to heart while looking for zombie chum Sophia. It starts off not so bad, they’re talking about sexual conquests in high school, Shane’s prowess, and Rick’s lack thereof. Then Shane realizes what they’re actually saying and realizes that they’re talking about people who are probably dead. He likens it to being old people who discuss people who are long gone, which brings them to Sophia. (WHO IS LONG GONE!) Shane who is now the conscience of the group, and the conscience of the viewer — says what we’re all screaming in our heads. WHY ARE WE STILL LOOKING FOR SOPHIA? SHE’S A ZOMBIE OR SHE’S DEAD. Shane, the “hard decision maker”, makes the most sense and even goes so far to say that alive or not Sophia only matters to the degree that she doesn’t drag the rest of them down, and I’d like to add “AND drag the rest of the show down.” So for the love of Zeus, can we please either find her chomped on, a zombie, or just decide that this nearly season-long Sophia search — of whom they had to remind us what she looked like in the opening sequence — can be over? Because it’s killing us. Literally makes me want to facepalm myself into unconsciousness .
However, I will say that as dialogue goes this was one of the better moments of the episode. And I’m starting to like dangling clown ears Shane a whole lot more. He says what I’m thinking goshdarnit! Somebody start listening to him!
Daryl Dixon’s Horrible, Awful, Very Bad Day: Daryl, on horseback, sees a doll. This is a major find in the never-ending search for Sophia, lost girl and annoying plot point, maybe this means he’s getting close. Daryl’s horse gets spooked by a rattler, and then he falls down a cliff, ending up with one of his own arrows in his side. He realizes that he has to get back up the cliff, but yeah, an arrow in the side hurts like a son of a bitch so this won’t be easy. Something is rustling in the woods so he finds his crossbow, which is a good thing because after attempting unsuccessfully to make it back up the mountain, he falls again and lies in the waters below. This is when we get a visit from his old brother Merle. Now, I was excited to see Merle. He was easily one of the more heinous but interesting characters SO this is why it felt like a cheap, crap, pitiful bit of writing to bring him back as Jiminy Cricket. Yes, Merle wasn’t fricking real. He was Dexter’s father on that show Dexter. His whole purpose was to kick Daryl into gear by taunting the hell out of him while he laid face up in a creek bed. THIS IS THE BEST USE YOU HAVE FOR MERLE, TWD WRITERS?!
That’s not to say that Merle wasn’t entertaining in this poltergeist form. “Look at you,” said Merle, “Lying in the dirt like a used rubber.” HA! Only Merle. He also served as a bit of Daryl’s conscience. “Look at you,” he mumbled, “Playing errand boy to a bunch of pansy assess, n-word, and Democrats.” Good Grief, he’s an awful, venomous jackal isn’t he? He voices all of Daryl’s real fears including that the rest of the group just sees him as a redneck, good for nothing. Which isn’t entirely true. The redneck part…sure. The good for nothing part…nah. This did serve as motivation to get Daryl moving, and as he woke up he found a zombie gnawing on his shoe! Time for Action Daryl! The Redneck Punisher! In one fell swoop he bashed the head in of the one making a meal of his shoe, pulled the arrow out of his side, loaded the crossbow, shot a second walker in the head, sliced the ears off both zombies to make an ear necklace, and then ate raw squirrel innards for good measure. All in a day’s work. Now let’s get up that hill you crazy buzzard!
Hershel Glenn Close Says, “I Will Not Be Ignored!”: Back at the farm, Hershel isn’t happy. You see, people are just running amuck in his little Utopia. He finds out that Daryl took his horse without asking. His stepson (or the convenient Hershel Frankenstein that he made in the shed) joined Rick’s search without asking, the Grimes Gang’s women are fixing his family supper without asking, and that “Asian boy” boned monkeys with his daughter without asking. In his best Eric Cartman voice, Hershel told Rick that he wants people to respect his authoritah! Seriously, he’s an old fashioned sort and all this freewheeling is making old Hersh’s head spin. He just wants Rick to control his people so he can control his own.
Which works as well as making a wish on a blade of grass in this show. Just as we’ve got that covered a Walker comes shambling onto the property. Everybody goes beserko! Get a gun! Grab an ax! Andrea becomes a sharpshooter! Wait…what? Andrea just what the Flap-n-jack Hell are you doing on top of the RV with a rifle? “I don’t want to fold laundry with the women, I want to be a scout.” GINORMOUS EYEROLL! This is what she told everyone minutes before a Walker burst through the trees at the speed of a tortoise with a hernia. Rick realizing that everyone freaking out over one zombie is the opposite of “having control of his people” takes off with Shane and T-Dog to get a closer look. However, Annie Oakley up on the RV gets a case of “trigger happy” and fires off a shot. We know the Walker is an injured Daryl and everyone else who isn’t Andrea does too now. Daryl has been shot in the head by super awesome Andrea. Fortunately it was just a graze. Now Daryl and Shane can wear matching head graze hats or something. On carrying Daryl to the house for medical attention, Rick and Shane realize that Daryl has spent a little time at the loony factory given his demeanor and the regal zombie ear jewelry he’s wearing. They decide not to share this with old Hersh.
You would think everyone would be a bit more upset about Andrea’s friendly fire action on top of that RV by minimally taking her weapons away from her, but mostly it’s treated like an episode of M*A*S*H. “Heh, we’ve all wanted to shoot Daryl.” Gimmie a high-five. Oh, Clinger. Right? Right. Let’s go eat pie!
And that’s what everyone is doing in the last few minutes. Everyone is having the most uncomfortable silent meal in the big house EVAR! It’s tense. No one is happy with anyone else, and well, it seems as though Hershel wants to kick everyone out of his damn house. And then Glenn starts talking like some goofy cousin sitting at the kids table during Thanksgiving. Maggie, who must find awkward silences and barely contained insanity, an aphrodisiac, passes a note to Glenn that says, “Hey, Scott, wanna get it on later?” And then Glenn whips out his pen and scrawls in the biggest, loudest script ever “Sure thing, Honey Lamb. How about in the barn? WINK, WINK!” Everyone looks at the two of them like they have the herp, and then goes back to eating their sad, silly little meal.
Next thing we know Glenn’s got some blankets, pillows, and a flashlight (Oh, Glenn, making a pillow fort too?) and is heading for the barn. Oh, boy! He gets inside and you know what? It’s loud in there. Sounds like a gaggle of reanimated corpses. It also stinks in there. Smells like decayed zombie mash. He looks down and guess what? There are about a dozen Michael Jacksons down there doing the Thriller. Well, that’s just odd, right? What are a bunch of zombies doing in Hershel’s barn? Maggie pops in and says, “You weren’t supposed to see this.” And we’re like “Damn straight we weren’t supposed to see your collection of dead people doing the Achy Breaky!”
So that’s it. Cliffhanger! Zombies this episode? Two. Zombies for MissLinda next week? More than two. ACTUALLY NO! I get about half from the barn, MissLinda. They were discovered on my watch. I’ll loan you a few for next week. Suck it.
Heh.
Things That Must Be Answered Next Week or Shenanigans!
- Where the absolute fuck is Sophia.
- If Glenn lets Maggie convince him that no one should know about Hershel’s zombie birthday party in the barn — double shenanigans!
- Lori better tell someone about this impending pregnancy.
- Why more zombies haven’t found their way onto Hershel’s property.
- Why more people aren’t dead/and or zombies from zombie attacks that should be happening all the time.
