Beautiful friends, this is the end of season 9 of Project Runway on the Lifetime Ladyparts Network, brought to you by toilet paper, cranberry juice, lady shavers, yogurt, Meredith Baxter Birney, deodorant sprays, and the makers of fine Sport Utility Vehicles For The Soccer Mom In You. Curious to know how everything done shakeded out? Well come on in, and of course, as always there are spoilers inside.
We join the sewtestants the day after their evisceration on the runway at Parsons. Errybody seems a little disoriented, as if they were living in a cave for the past six months and were suddenly released into the sunlight. No time for getting used to this, kids, because here comes Papa Gunn with a gift: Five Hundred Dollars for each sewtestant to use as they wished, no restrictions. Say what? This capitulation by the producers is confirmation that this is the weakest season, ever. There’s no last-minute “you must add 12 new looks” challenge, no “trade seats with your worst enemy,” no “who should I send home right now, just because I feel mean today?” None of that. Just “hey, kids, here’s five hundred smackeroos, please go to Mood and buy some new fabric and fix this fugly because hello, you’re showing at Fashion Week and what ya got ain’t gonna cut it.” Message sent and received.
So the kids scamper off to Mood, envelopes stuffed with cash in their sweaty hands, looking for inspiration. Smeagol knows he has this in the bag, so he just aimlessly wanders the aisles, muttering “yes, Precioussss, we have this in the bag, Preciousss, we will win, Preciousssss, the judges like us best, Precioussss, now how much dank herb can I get for $500, Precioussss?” Because seriously, he’s had red eyes in previous episodes, but this time around, he had straight up Buzzy McBuzzerson stoner peeps. We’re not judging, it’s a stressful competition. Just calling it like we see it.
Gay Ryan Reynolds, magpie that he is, goes for the same fugly fabrics that he did when he got his initial infusion of cash. Cheap, gaudy, tacky, day-glo, polyester. Why, Gay Ryan Reynolds, why? Why are you so attracted to the cheap and tawdry? Do you think it’s expected and therefore you’re doomed to it and nothing else?
Miss Kimberly Goodpants, knowing she has to pull something out of her goody bag, looks for fabric to make pants out of. Oh, and also, she wants to remake her fugly BootiePop™ skirt, yes that skirt, the one the judges hated in the preview showing. She thinks that if she remakes the skirt in black, the judges won’t hate it. She is doomed.
And then Enya, floaty sail away sail away sail away Enya channels her Orinoco Flow and realizes she’s got some big fug hanging on her garment rack, and she’s got to get to gettin’ and make some new dresses. Like, now! So Enya runs for the prints, and just starts grabbing ones that look good. Grab, Enya, grab! What will she do with them? Besides make all new dresses? She don’t know, she don’t care.
It’s back to the temporary workroom, and the work begins. Gay Ryan Reynolds… oh, lord. He makes some crazy neon lime green slut shorts with a black diagonal lace-up detail up the front of the legs with long strings hanging down. Because everybody loves the concept of long skinny strings hanging down in between a lady’s legs, don’t they? Gay Ryan Reynolds is LIVING for these shorts.
Smeagol basically ditzes around, “doo de doo de doo, oh lord I’m so stoned I can’t even see the thread and needle, woow look at my hands my hands my hands.” Guess he found that dank herb he was looking for. Also, he’s obviously reading these recaps, because he cannot, absolutely will not, stop saying “Lord Of The Rings!” Over and over with that phrase. Thanks for the shout out, darling.
Miss Kimberly Goodpants continues her voyage on the Good Ship Titanic Lollipop, sailing along under the delusion that everything’s just peachy keen and that BootiePop™ skirt in black is going to work. Some designer angel reaches down from design heaven and messes with her design, so she can’t make the skirt. Oh well, she decides she’s going to run with the BootiePop™ skirt in its original fuschia. Way to be, Kimberly. Way. To. Be.
And then there’s Enya. When she isn’t pre-consoling Gay Ryan Reynolds for obviously losing this whole shootin’ match, she is a sewing demon. Miss girl just whips out dress after dress after dress. Zing zang zoom, before you know it, she’s got half her collection replaced with new stuff made from the fabric bought at Mood. We know her secret now, don’t we? Give her a fake deadline, and she will produce at the last second. That’s her way.
After a few quick ads for Forever Lazy and lube, we see the day of heading off to Lincoln Center. The runway show was fairly uneventful, except for the moment when Gay Ryan Reynolds ran those lime green shorts down the runway and half the audience’s eyes popped out from the fuglamity.
Back at Parsons, the judges were uniformly kind to our four finalists. This was good, that was good, this was a little much, tra la la. Then it got weird. They started praising Gay Ryan Reynolds’ collection, including those Green Whore shorts. Maybe they saw a different collection than the one that was shown on TV. Yeah, that’s it.
In the end, Miss Kimberly Goodpants was out first, and then Smeagol. WHAT? Smeagol gets third? What fresh hell is this? He knew he was going to get the Preciousss, he did! Their families were waiting for them back in the stew room, all teary smiles and there-there pats. Back to the runway, the kettle drums pound, the resounding sound of Enya versus Gay Ryan Reynolds. Who will it be? Gay Ryan Reynolds, who showed us a future filled with cheap slutty neon day-glo whores wearing transparent plastic clothes, or Enya “I’m In My Orinoco Flow, Dammit” who showed us one dress in ten different fabrics? In the end, the judges chose Enya, because honestly, did they want to be responsible for subjecting the world to one more cheap slutty neon day-glo whore? Not as long as Christina Aguilera roams free, no, they did not.
So there you have it! Another season of Project Runway, arguably the worst season of the show ever, has been put to bed. But don’t sleep too tightly, kids, because Project Runway Undead Fan Favorite is coming soon, and Austin Scarlett has a moustache!
