Since today is Man Day it seems to be time to talk about the top ten manliest movies of all time. This is a hetero listicle. These movies are all just for real bros who want to hang out and watch other dudes be men while paying homage to hetero-manly-awesomeness. The broads just don’t understand why REAL MEN love these movies so much, so it’s time to explain.
Blazing Saddles
Mel Brooks might deserve the award for baddest motherfucker ever. He doesn’t try for a dirty joke, he says and does everything. Blazing Saddles is no exception. The women get stampeded and the cattle raped. There’s a giant who knocks out a horse. Oh god it’s twue that Blazing Saddles is the best, vulgar, ridiculous satire to grace the screen.
Tombstone
It’s the shootout at the OK Corral, the story has been told tens of times, but never so well. If you’re a man and you don’t want to do Doc Holiday’s drunk pistol trick you’re fucking wrong. Tombstone brings together the paragons of manhood, Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Bill Paxton, Charlston Heston and Sam Elliott. Seriously though, it’s got Cash, an Astronaut, the Iceman, the moustache to end all mustaches, and motherfucking Moses. The men play poker, they bullshit, they fuck whores. It’s amazing and if you don’t respect Wyatt Earp’s finest tribute, Doc Holiday has two guns. One for each of you.
Predator
What’s better than a group of red blooded men taking on invaders from another planet? Nothing. We all know manhood camping is one of the manliest ways to spend a weekend. Try to imagine an entire weekend with half a dozen huge, muscular dudes brandishing steel the way God intended (to kill aliens). It was here that both The Governator and Jesse ‘The Mind’ Ventura proved they could defend our fine country from all threats, domestic, foreign, and alien.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
All you little girls might be thinking “Oh Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro! They’re so dreamy!11!” Well you’d be fucking wrong. What do you get when you put a couple of the baddest, craziest men in existence decide it’s time to find the American Dream? You get one of the best drug-addled and alcohol infused adventures ever to grace the silver screen.
Rocky IV
Where else are you going to watch one man single handedly destroy those fucking commies? Nowhere. You’ve got flags, punching, training in the snow, evil men using steroids, chopping wood, a futuristic robot and James Brown yelling “HUH!” This movie has everything a man could ever want. It’s got a ADRIAN!! It’s got a loyal friend being killed by a giant fucking Ruskie. I mean fuck guys, I’m at half mast just thinking about how much this movie makes me love America. Also, Sylvester Stallone is the reason Mr. Gorbachev took down that wall.
Dirty Harry
This list would mean nothing if it didn’t include Mr. Eastwood. Yes, I refer to him as Mr. Eastwood, because he deserves that respect from all of us. Bill of Rights be damned Mr. Eastwood will take down Scorpio. He’s the man you wish you were. Cool, calm, collected, but a savage murderer when the most perverted, awful human being keeps getting off.
Fight Club
Ed Norton and Brad Pitt beating the fuck out of each other. It’s paranoid, it’s violent, it’s a fucking message to everyone that thought Keanu Reeves could really be an action hero. A huge, whiny, chump gets transformed at the hands of an Ubermensch. There’s underground fighting, explosions, soap-fat, porn spliced into movies, blackmailing bosses and a ton of fucking. It manages to do all this while having some of the most manly dialogue in the history of movies.
Honorable Mentions (In no particular order): Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness, Inglorious Basterds, Snatch, The Dark Knight, Animal House
