Seeing as how the last GOP debate was such a good time around here, we made the snap decision to host another one of these babies tonight.
So, if you’ve got the stomach for Fox News and the dimple faced empty headed musings of Gretchen Carlson and the like, let’s get fired up for some debating.
A couple of big questions for tonight: Will Mittens remind us again that corporations are people who have more rights than poors? Will Herman Cain slander a different religion? Will Marcus Bachmann’s beard look directly into the cameras? Or, most importantly, will Rick Perry’s hair swoop in from over head, riding on the back of Sarah Palin’s Grifter Bus o’Death, and take over the whole proceedings?
9:01-At the introductions, Pawlenty gets the biggest round of applause. Proving once again that even a tree can be popular in the Midwest.
9:03-Yes Michelle, increasing the debt ceiling is the reason we had a credit downgrade. Do they not teach economics at Crazy Eyes U?
9:04-If there’s one thing Mitt Romney knows, it’s hiring people. Wait, did I doze off? Did he just give a 7-point plan in 30 seconds? Herman Cain approves.
9:06- Thanks, Brett, for making sure the scared white people watching know that wasn’t their doorbell. Apparently, Fox is borrowing production equipment from the Family Fued.
9:09- ‘Principles of Liberty’ Drink!
9:10- Make the tax rates permanent? Are people still falling for that shit? 0% capital gains? Third world on the Godfather Express!
9:11- Sorry, Jon Huntsman is just too nice to make the veiled racist comments that GOP voters need.
9:13- Newt was in Congress when Reagan’s tax cut was passed 30 years ago? He apparently forgot about the tax raises that came 2 years later.
9:14- I’ll do you one better, Tim. If you can find me 3 voters who actually want to vote for Pawlenty, I’ll go on a date with Marcus Bachmann.
9:15- Weird, I feel like we just had a conversation about manufacturing outsourcing.
9:16- Baier tags out after only 15 minutes? Pussy.
9:17- OOOOH, tough question for Pawlenty. Is this a debate or a fucking pep rally?
9:18- PS-Somebody do me a favor and go pimp this over on Wonkette, as I’m sure they’d love to come play along. ETA: Nevermind, they’re doing their own. We’ll compare notes in the morning.
9:18- Whoa! Body blows for Michelle, and she’s hitting after the bell! Minus 2 points.
9:20- Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act? That’s a real fucking thing? Next, she’ll be going for the Glitter Pen of Choice Act.
9:21- Not to turn this into a Project Runway blog, but, is Bachmann from the future?
9:22- Romney: Here’s how the real economy works. I’m old and white. I get rich, you people get poor. Why the fuck is this hard to understand?
9:23- Finally a break. Everyone go refill their glasses, or puke, or both.
9:27- Newt, I’ve met Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan killed my childhood. You sir, are an even bigger dick than Ronald Reagan, and a much lesser campaigner.
9:30- Huntsman isn’t even interesting enough for me to snark on. Yawn.
9:31- ‘Mr. Cain, you come off as completely clueless about significant policy challenges. Please explain’ Cain: Sharia Law, boo!
9:33- What does pro-life, pro-second amendment have to do with illegal immigration reform? Is he going to build John’s fence, finally?
9:35- Soul Pizza (copyright-Bots), doesn’t approve of people misinterpreting his jokes. Maybe he’s just joking about the Islamaphobia?
9:37- Control the border. Drink! Control the border. Drink again! English as the official language, do a meth hit!
9:38- Jesus Christ, Ron Paul, we can’t ask businesses to ‘bear the burden’ of doing simple legal background checks, but the government can patrol the whole fucking border? I thought you hated big government. Make up your fucking mind. Oh, and states rights, drink!
9:40- Byron York? Who? Where’s this guy’s bow-tie?
9:42- They should let ESPN host these debates. I’d like to see Minnesota’s poverty statistics while Candidate Broomstick was cutting the shit out of spending. Cause and effect.
9:43- Sanctity of life. Drink!
9:44- Well, if this whole thing was Pawlenty vs. Bachmann, Pawlenty would be doing well. The other guys have got to love that he’s doing all their dirty work.
9:45- They should give these two their own Minnesota public access show. They should have plenty of time on their hands in a few months.
9:47- ‘Don’t take more money out of the economy’ Rick knows that the government spends everything it takes in, right?
9:49- False equivalency, drink! It’s only ‘gut military’ or ‘raise taxes’. Good thing that’s all that’s on the table. I feel relieved now.
9:50- Fucking A. Healthcare. Someone bring me a six pack and a stomach pump.
9:52- How is it that the country has to compete in the global marketplace, but one of the biggest pieces of the economy should be left to the states, Mitt?
9:54- Of course you won’t rest, Michelle, you’re a fucking zombie.
9:55- Ron Paul has no use for the ‘United’ in United States.
9:56- Aligning yourself with John Kasich, the reviled governor of Ohio? That’s art, Mr. Santorum.
9:57- That look from Brett Baier said “Can you believe these fucking guys? I work for Fox and I still think they’re full of shit.”
10:01- Fuck. I go to the bathroom and we’re talking Rick Perry? Are they debating who has the best hair?
10:04- Foreign policy. +5 for every ‘kill brown people’ allusion. Christ Pawlenty, it’s a debate, not a wake. We get it, you love soldiers and Jesus.
10:06- Mitt’s plan for Afghanistan-Bootstraps. Planes full of bootstraps.
10:08- That’s a hell of a non-answer Newt. How many victim cards come in a pack these days?
10:10- While Huntsman is answering and I’m drifting off, I have to ask: What in the hell is ‘The Examiner’? Obviously they’re a GOP sponsor?
10:12- God, we’re going down the Israel road again, Timmy? I’m just not…
10:13- Ron Paul is giving geography lessons now. Also, he apparently wants to shut down the CIA, b/c we need to stay out of other country’s business. Boy, that was easy.
10:15- What the fuck was that outburst? Did The Undertaker just come out of the tunnel? I hope he goes for Ricky first.
10:16- A real energy independence strategy? Jimmy Carter alert!
10:17- It’s not just bombs and bullets…it’s bombs and bullets and economics. Mind. Blown.
10:19- I’m glad Michelle remembered that she can’t reveal classified information. We can’t be too many years away from one of these yahoos just blurting out something they shouldn’t.
10:20- Uh-oh, Ron’s record started skipping.
10:21- Exerting our influence-Take notes, kids, that’s what we call ‘killing civilians’ now.
10:22- I don’t like Ron Paul, but watching him scold Santorum is enough to make me smile. Brett Baier still can’t believe these fuckers.
10:27- Why do Southerner’s hate Mormons? Oh, they just don’t get it. Mittens, just buy em some tickets to Book of Mormon. Problem solved!
10:29- Ouch. Did Byron just ask Michelle Bachmann if she belongs in the kitchen? Submission=respect? You know, I think she actually believes that those words are synonyms.
10:31- Gay marriage! Awesome. Mittens wants it decided at the Federal level. Gee, I wonder what he wants decided, specifically. Shocker, ‘traditional, opposite marriage’ plays well in a GOP packed house in Iowa.
10:32- Seven kids? Good lord, Huntsman, keep it in your pants. Points on the sliding scale for at least embracing civil unions.
10:34- What the fuck, Fox, a split screen with two Santorums? I just vurped. Good, Baier is letting him finish his hate-speech. Bells don’t matter when you’re crushing a minority.
10:36- Michelle’s unblemished record on man-woman marriage excludes her own, of course.
10:36- Santorum just defended the idea of making a woman have the child of her rapist. Somehow the abortion is more traumatizing than carrying that child to term. No snark, that’s just fucking dick.
10:37- Again, abortion rates down, let me see the rate of children living in poverty, Tim. Oh, that’s right, they were born poor, fuck’em.
10:39- Thank goodness, back to the economy. That was exhausting. Mittens is really dancing around the unemployment benefits question. And by dancing around, I mean running away from.
10:41- If we want to strengthen our core here in America, we MUST poison our rivers like China and India allow out businesses to. Don’t you hippies know anything?
10:43- By ‘people were unanimous’, Michelle is mostly referring to the voices in her head. Now she’s pointing out that we don’t have the ability to pay our debt. The answer? Don’t spend money in the future! That’ll totally pay off those old bills. I’d like to see her credit rating.
10:45- Repatriating profits will work this time! Promise! Do any of these people have any idea how the economy actually works?
10:47- Reagan reference! Drink!
10:49- The Tea Party before the Tea Party? So, he was an unlikeable, droll twat before the rest of these folks scootered into our lives?
10:51- One more break! Good thing, I think my brain is starting to leak. Also, that outro music sounds like it was rejected from American Gladiators. Sounds about right.
10:54- Closing remarks prediction. Herman Cain is going straight Sexual Chocolate, slammed microphone and all.
10:55- School choice, vouchers, blah, blah, blah. I think he means well, but he makes Pawlenty look interesting.
10:56- Closing arguments blitzkrieg- Santorum-Kick the tires? He really is a used car salesman.
10:57- Cain-I represent growth. I represent free toppings. Paul-Ah, the Creator argument. Principles of Liberty. He’s got the Libertarian playbook, and he’s gonna follow it.
10:58- Mittens-(side note-is he pink? I just noticed this) He just implied that the President has never had a ‘real job’. I’m not even touching that. Apparently, inherited wealth > career in academia. Bachmann-Let’s send a message that you all here in Iowa really are nuts.
10:59- Broomstick- The fear of losing freedom appeal. That’s the stuff. Huntsman-Debt=cancer. Good analogy, totally the same thing.
11:00- Newt-The election is 15 months away. I’ll be on an island somewhere with my 4th wife by then, so don’t worry about me. Fuck you.
11:01- People are yelling during Baier’s outro. Seriously, they couldn’t find 150 civilized Republicans?
Shoot. I’m wiped out. Between the time, and the pure agony of listening to these idiots, I think I tapped what was left of my intellect. I’m looking forward to coming back and peeking at the comments now. Thank you everyone for joining in, I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did. When is the next one? I need to restock my liquor cabinet.
