The often violent, often surreal, sometimes incestuous world of the Bible contains a lot of horrible and annoying people. Here are my top five:
5. Lot’s wife. First appears Genesis 19:16
Bitch, do you not listen? When goddamn angels are destroying a city and they tell you not to turn back and look at that city, they are not fucking around. They are angels of vengeance. I know you had a bad night; your husband offered to give his virgin daughters to a gang of rapists rather than hand over three random strangers to the mob, but when otherworldly beings with actual fire and literal brimstone tell you to do something, you do it. You were so lucky in that you married the one guy in the city that who was sinless enough to be allowed to live. If any other bloke had got you down the aisle you would have already been a sulphurous blob of melted flesh. But no, a get-out-of-hell card wasn’t good enough for you and now you are a mere condiment. A murderer of slugs.
4. King Herod I, the Great. First appears Matthew 2:1
- PICTURED: Historical reconstruction
What the fuck dude? What the fuck? Three unknown peripatetic hippies turn up at your place, all sandy and hot from wandering around the desert, mumbling about some kid they want to give expensive gifts to. So? Phone To Catch a Predator. Don’t freak out. Don’t murder ALL THE MALE BABIES IN YOUR COUNTRY. You think that kid is a threat to you? Not the brutally efficient Romans? The guys that made you and your country their bitch? You know those guys, with the ballistae and the warships and the thousands of highly trained soldiers? The only weapon that a dirt poor illiterate illegitimate newborn is going to produce is meconium, and I am pretty sure that won’t kill you. What might kill you though are all those people whose babies you just murdered. Seriously man, you killed babies. Dick move Herod, dick move.
3. John of Patmos. First appears: Revelation 1:1
So, I read your book “Revelation” and it’s great it really is, with the crazy, multiple headed beasts and wrathful angels and war, and I sort of feel bad for you John. If you were alive today you could be making a fortune selling scripts to Roland Emmerich. If it was sold as a work of fiction, the critics would love you. But you weren’t and you didn’t. So next time you want to write a drug fuelled apocalyptic narrative, don’t let it get published in a religious book, because that shit just scares people. Or makes them start cults. You eschatological freak.
2. Eve. First appears Genesis 2:21
Girl. When you can’t stop yourself from eating, you have to think about whether you have an eating disorder. The shame you felt afterwards is a classic symptom. Before eating the forbidden fruit, you hung around in the nude and the moment you indulge, you feel ashamed and cover up? Was the nasty serpent body-snarking you? And that’s another thing: you blamed it on a fictious animal? Well firstly, some goddamn fruit isn’t going to make you pile on the pounds; secondly, I am sorry but snakes don’t actually talk. Either you made that up when God came along all “Eve, what the hell?” and you were like “Oh yeah, talking serpent tempted me, you know how it is” or you need to stop licking all of Eden’s toads, because they are giving you hallucinations. And sorry to be mean Eve, but fuck you. Thanks to your fruit based shenanigans if I ever have children it is going to hurt like hell. I know, I know; I read about the whole evolutionary balance between wide hips for a good birth canal and narrower hips for running, but my priest told me when I was 9 that it was your fault and priests don’t lie. Your poor decision making skills are a misogynist’s wet dream, so fuck you and the rib you rode in on.
1. Samson. First appears Judges 13:24
Samson, mate. When I inevitably snap and smite my enemies I am getting the same PR firm as you. Because while poor old Delilah is now an epitome of a femme fatale and your enemies, the Philistines, are now a derogatory term for the more Palinesque members of society, you always seem to be portrayed as a persecuted strong man, led astray. No mention though of what a colossal wankrag you are. Let’s start at the beginning. The first time we hear you speak you say this to your parents: “I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife”. So you saw a lady and instead of going over to talk to her, you tell your parents to go fetch her. And then when they hesitate you sulk until they do. OK, fine you are basically a child but you get your way. Yay! And then on your way to see her you KILL A LION and then bees make a nest inside its carcass and you eat their honey and that would be an amazing story to tell at your wedding reception! Except, wait, what do you do? You tell it in the form of a riddle without providing the punchline. So when the guests get so frustrated they threaten your new wife for the answer, you KILL THIRTY OF THEM. Samson, that is not how a young man ingratiates himself to the local community. Jobs are hard to find when you kill a lot of your potential bosses. How are you going to support your poor new wife? Oh wait, you gave her away to a friend of yours, never mind. But then you get annoyed when said friend sleeps with her so you do the thing that is most logical to a person like you; you get three hundred foxes, tie them in pairs by the tails, set their tails on fire and as you have somehow decided the Philistines to blame for this, you set the foxes free in their vineyards, burning them down. Of course. Who DOESN’T bring fiery fox destruction on a third party when an ex sleeps with someone else? They even named a web browser after this technique. It is at this point, or just after when the Philistines burn your ex and her father, that you should have realized that the riddle telling had gotten out of hand. But no, you go ahead and kill thousands of Philistines. With a donkey jawbone. That is just adding insult to injury, man. And all this is before the Delilah incident and the temple massacre you carried out. What a knob.
