I once read an article that speculated that hormones given to cows are the reason that young girls are developing earlier and, uh, more amply. Either way, I was ahead of the curve (ha!) and gifted with a pair of assets that I sometimes am grateful for and sometimes curse for holding me back from accomplishing interesting things like being a ninja.
- Shopping online with confidence. I have no guarantee that I can fit into any of those tops.
- Running. When you have to wear two bras, running just loses any appeal.
- Being a professional ice skater. I could never be a body double in a remake of The Cutting Edge and that really stings.
- Laughing at that infomercial for the cleavage shield. Everyone else is making fun of it and I’m secretly thinking about ordering it. It just sounds so practical.
- Seriously, I can’t be a ninja. You can’t be stealth and sneak through fences with boobs like these.
- Sneak through fences. Can you imagine getting stuck because your boobs are too big? You can’t recover from that.
- Spend less than $30 on undergarments. You are taking all of my money and half the time, you aren’t even pretty.
- Be confident that there isn’t a piece of popcorn (or Cheerios, or an earring back, or a Matchbox car) lost in my cleavage somewhere. Sometimes it feels like it’s the door to Narnia, and it’s in my bra.
- Have a conversation where I know for sure someone isn’t looking at my boobs. That’s not where I keep my sparkling personality or glittery nail polish.
- Backless, or strapless, dresses. I wore a strapless dress recently. I put a tank top over it. “I put a tank top over it” is the answer to most of my boob-related fashion problems, second to “I put a tank top under it.” Do you see why I want to buy that cleavage shield?
