Thanks to everyone who submitted something to our very first Crasstalk Terrible Fiction Contest. That’s right, I said first. What? You thought this was going to be a one-off? You were wrong. We’re doing this again, slores, and sooner than you think. So! Let’s get down to business.
Please note that Intense Debate is a dirty pimpwhore so the links might not (read: probably won’t) take you to the proper comment, but I’m sure you can work your mouse finger like a pro and find it all by your damn self. You’re so independent!
Some of you wrote political fiction. AssembledWrong and Overlord Bots speculated on the United States’ nightmarish political future while Thunderclees mercilessly thrust the reader into a Michele Bachmann migraine. Meanwhile, ditzyblonde gave us an idea of what it would be like to ride shotgun with a Teabagger.
Some of you tickled our funny bones with your commenter-based fiction. Tacky_Tick wrote from Buster the cat’s perspective, and I fully expect the story to be expanded into a novel which will sit on bookshelves alongside Virginia Woolf’s Flush. Tacky_Tick also imagined a scandalous tryst between Betty Crocker and me. Some Swifter/Aubrey fiction was inevitable, I suppose, and Kickin_Chicken nailed it.
Gawker Media was not safe from your fiction-writing prowess. Ross backhanded the Jezebel commentariat while misslinda brilliantly expressed our collective frustrations with the the changes that eventually drove us away from Gawker. All she needed was a shouting Nick Denton, Eastern European programmers and–of course–Cheetos.
Also, please check out the always hilarious DidacticTactic’s 11th hour awesomeness starting here.
But! There could only be one winner, and although the above entries were such fun to read, I had to focus on the nature of the contest: truly awful writing. Our first runner-up is kevipants, whose amazing imitation of overwrought science fiction writing (as Cicada pointed out) truly deserves a collective fonz and a round of applause.
Our grand prize winner is ILovesYouPorgy, whose entry I remain in awe of even as I write this post:
Words fail me. This was everything I hoped for and more. Give ILovesYouPorgy some praise in the comments, Crassholes. ILovesYouPorgy, I wish I had an actual prize to give you, but you will have to settle for one free internet at this time. Well done.
