I’ve often quoted Miss Manners on the subject of friendship: “Your best friend is the person who convinces you that the unbearable is in fact bearable because it is also funny.” This post is dedicated to the indomitable Will Ortiz, who has seen me through the roller coaster of life with howls of roaring laughter.
Accomplishing a difficult and disagreeable task means different things to different people. Some procrastinate and zip through it at the last minute. Others drag ass through the whole thing, bitching all the way. I prefer a more balanced approach. I call it Toilets And Cake.
Simply put, in a 1.5 bathroom home, you clean the half bath first, then wash up and have a very small slice of cake and some tea. Then – fully refreshed – you tackle the full bath. Once that’s done, you have a REAL slice of cake. You dust 2 rooms, then watch UFC. Inspired by the tenacity of the MMA fighters, you dust the rest of the place and empty the dishwasher. More UFC – maybe 15 minutes – and you can vacuum the whole joint. 10 minutes of Quality Kitty Petting Time, and washing windows doesn’t seem so bad. Strip the bed and put the sheets in the wash, and while it’s sudsing away, a little HGTV, or even better, a few chapters on your e-reader on the terrace. Save a little time and move the sheets from the dryer directly back to the bed. Viola! Your house is clean, and you got cake, hot guys, Kitty Time, and literature, too. That’s a LOT better than hauling ass around the place all day and collapsing in a demoralized heap before dinner.
This works for work outside the home as well. You just have to disguise your breaks. No one likes it when you make it look too easy, and if they catch you playing online Mah-Jongg they will -rightly- flip the hell out. You can leave your desk, folder in hand, and disappear easily for 10 minutes. The folder is your cover. Hide out in a file room or even in the can. Do NOT hide in an empty office – it’s a sure sign that skulduggery is afoot. 10 minutes is pretty much your limit, though, especially if there’s a deadline.
What about difficult family time? I recommend not even being subtle. We WASPs have this wonderful arrow in our quiver called Changing The Subject. Here’s how it works:
Mom: “I really wish you’d do something with your hair. It’s so… hippie chick. Maybe you can come with me to Andre the next time I go. He can work wonders with… that.”
Catherine: *squinting at the horizon* “Do you think it’ll rain?”
Aunt Marie: “Will you two be having children any time soon? You’re not getting any younger, you know!”
Cap’n: *wickedly grinning* “Well, Aunt Marie, we keep trying and trying but…”
Me: “Oh look, a sailboat!”*
*Note that this works especially well when there’s no sailboat in sight.
Dad: “I wish you had paid more attention when I was showing you how to fix things. Changing a light switch is really a DIY project.”
Me: “Do you like my tie? It was on sale!”
Changing The Subject avoids fights, but it draws very effective boundaries. The key is to stick to your guns and don’t let the conversation veer back in a bad direction.
Other good breaks:
1) Wash your face. Those cool little samples from Kiehl’s were put on this Earth for that very purpose.
2) Meditate. This underrated activity can really hit your reset button.
3) Call a friend, but keep it short.
4) Walk around the block. A change of perspective can help a lot.
5) Talk through the project, preferably with someone who can’t answer with distractions. A kitty is recommended.
6) Cake. Sweet cake-ity cake cake cake.
7) Keep a book of very short stories handy. Read one on a break.
8) Make a list for a wholly different project. Groceries come to mind.
9) Write one handwritten note to someone who will appreciate it, and pop it in the mail.
10) Get revenge. Remember nosy Condo Commando Burt? The terrace-peeping fuck? Well, he keeps an umbrella in the lobby and he’s going to be REALLY surprised when he opens it during the next rainstorm and finds it full of the paper dots from my 3-hole paper punch thingy. I regret not adding glitterz, but the doorman was approaching. Doing this enabled me to get my tax file for 2011 current and alphabetized.
How do you guys handle this sort of thing?