Betrayal. Will Ned see it when it approaches? In a world where nothing is as it seems, you best have your wits about you and a plan to stay one step ahead of your opponent…or ultimately you will lose the game. And sometimes if there’s a choice between your king and an enemy…perhaps you’ll choose your enemy.
Don’t you hate it when your dad tells you how much of a disappointment you are while gutting the insides of a prone stag? That’s kind of like when he said you were too immature to drive the new Subaru. Despite all your pleas and promises he still says, “Well, you were a fool to run into that fence. Subarus aren’t cheap. Now you have to prove to me that you can be more responsible. Maybe after that you can drive the car to the dance next week. Go mow the lawn.” Dads. They just don’t understand. Playing in the kingdom isn’t like it used to be. There’s always a mark on your head.
The Father Figures: We finally meet Tywin, the Lannister patriarch. Jaime tells him that Ned Stark has ordered his arrest for crimes pertaining to the protest of Catelyn, Lady Stark’s, seizure of Tyrion. Tywin, the stag cutting Papa Honey Badger, really and truly doesn’t give a shit, and tells Jaime that he shouldn’t either. He mocks and berates Jaime for his vanity and inability to kill Ned Stark, even though it would have been foolish to do so. How’s that for mixed messages? He further explains that they need to get Tyrion back, not because he’s so much loved by his father, but because to allow him to be held prisoner sullies the Lannister name and makes them appear weak. Nice. And for that we love Tyrion just a little bit more for having a jerk face of a father, but still being the most upstanding of the bunch. Tywin goes on to further say to Jaime, “Hey, dude, we’re all going to die soon, and all that’s important is the family name. And just what are you doing with yourself? You’re a glorified body guard. Almost like a mall cop. Get a job and a haircut and do this family proud by stop being a douche and take on some real leadership.” To which Hardy Jens looks stunned by this outpouring of fatherly love coupled with gross disdain. We think perhaps he runs to his tent to cry and maybe kick a small puppy.
Beware the Black Widow: Back in King’s Landing, we find Ned and Cersei having a little sharp-tongued chat amongst the gardens. Cersei opens the conversation by saying, “Ned, you’re hurt. Now more than ever….you should just fuck the fuck right on off, and take your gimp leg and your straggly hair wig back to that frozen ice box you call a home. Capice?” To which Ned tilts his head and FINALLY SAYS THE THING WE’VE ALL KNOWN FOR AT LEAST THREE EPISODES that he knows that all of Cersei’s children were fathered by her brother. After a beat of silence, ever the cool, cunning, shark in the water, Cersei says plainly that the Targaryens have been wedding brother and sister to keep lines pure for generations…which makes us wonder about the parentage of Daenerys and Viserys…which would explain a lot about Viserys’ personality disorder . Cersei goes on to say one of the creepier statements about her views on incest, “We are more than just siblings, we shared the same womb, we belong together. “ Did no one else think about Joffrey and have a moment of eww, since it seems the womb is an aphrodisiac for the Lannisters?
Ned also says he knows what happened to Bran. Cersei doesn’t deny it. She plainly goes on to explain that she was never really loved by Robert in the first place, that she was a pale replacement for Ned Stark’s sister, even though she worshipped the king in his leaner, more stately days. However, now when he comes to her bed, drunk, they never fully consummate their intimate moments, she finishes him off in other ways, and Robert never remembers. Ned is unmoved by Cersei’s candor and tells her that she better pack up her litter of blond abominations and hit the road because he’s telling Robert the truth when he gets back from his hunt, and there will be hell to pay. And after Ned tips his hand like a tourist in Vegas, Cersei calmly says, “You always were too noble with all your do-gooding and principles. Feh. Whatever. You gotta play the game to win.” And with that we know Cersei is not leaving quietly while she speaks the name of Sunday’s episode, and also the new marketing campaign for the MGM Grand in Vegas, “You win or you die.”
Your Moan isn’t Doing it For Me, Dawg: It would have been easy for Littlefinger to tell his little story of romantic woe to some character on the show while walking through a market shopping for goat cheese, or while on a horse ride looking for magic beans or something, but all those things just won’t do, besides how will Roz, the sex armchair passed down to generations of Westeros men, get her billboard in Times Square. No, Littlefinger regales us of the story of how he lost Catelyn, the woman of his dreams, to not one but two Stark men, and how he has to be her little whispering bird confidante like some “guy friend” who only gets invited to go out for venison humus wraps at the local Westeros corner deli, while he auditions two classy ladies for the latest Red Shoe Diary moment of Roz, The Wonder Fingers and her friend Moaning Mona. Yes, yes, mixed in with the Ringling Brothers Sex with Unwashed Ladies show we finally hear that Littlefinger has plans. Yes, yes, big, big plans. And wouldn’t you like to know what they are?
Today in Workplace Harassment: Hey, now, we find Theon Greyjoy, who is obviously in some sort of manic meltdown after Roz left, trying weirdly to chat up the Wilding girl whose life Robb Stark spared last week after her attempt at robbing Bran and ransoming him for five gold shillings and a hair brush. We’ve determined that Theon, when not bedding whores or shooting arrows, serves as the Stark’s in house jester. He tries to impress the Wilding with his name and title, which on this show is like trying to tell the resident housefly that you are king of the castle’s royal commode. Smarter than she looks, the Wilding cuts him off, and says, “Oh, you’re not a Lord. You’re just a nobody who thinks he’s somebody, but his daddy back home, is the real Lord. And oh, by the way, what are you doing here, Lord Flush?” This angers the little jackass and just when he sexually harasses his co-worker, Bran’s tutor shows up and tells him to shoo, and go entertain some wall paintings or something. From the lady prisoner we learn that she too senses something in the wild. The old man says owls and shadow cats WHEN WILL WE SEE A SHADOWCAT? Which she abruptly says no, and indicates that she really means the White Walkers.
Pig in a Blanket: Back at King’s Landing, Renly comes rushing in and says to Ned ominously that he and Robert were hunting a boar and….we’re like, “Oh, God what? He ate the boar raw and got e-coli? There are pictures on the internet with Robert and the boar wearing ball gags? Just what?” When we finally see Robert in the bed talking to Joffrey we say, whew, it’s probably just indigestion. And for once Joffrey actually looks like a kid concerned for someone other than himself for a split second while Robert says he should have been a better man, but then thinks better of it and says he wasn’t meant to be a father and takes his hand away from Joffrey and we can see the rejection on his face especially after Ned shows up and Robert sends Joffrey away like a toddler holding a Tickle Me Elmo. No, he won’t be bitter about that. Not at all.
Robert clears the room except for Ned. We learn that Robert has been gored by a boar after drinking too much wine…wine supplied by the King’s squire…a Lannister. After seeing Robert’s wound Ned knows it’s fatal. Robert commands Ned to write his will which names Ned lord and protector of the realm until his son Joffrey comes of age. Ned, who doesn’t have the heart to tell his friend of his wife’s adultery and her son’s paternity, says nothing, but changes the wording to read “until my rightful heir comes of age.” Robert signs without reading the document and without needing any of those pointer post its. Now we finally feel that Robert is doing something right by dying and leaving Ned the kingdom, even with the irony of the big fat, boorish man being felled by a boar. Fitting. And I guess, since Robert no longer has anything to fear, he decides to call off the hit on Daenerys. He also asks Ned to help his son be a better ruler, which seems impossible because Joffrey is Sweep the Leg Johnny to Jaime’s Stop Looking at My Property, Hardy Jens. All blond 80’s villains of the world unite!
Ned tells the physician to give Ned, Milk of the Poppy, which sounds much better than Ovaltine, and Varys puts a little bug in Ned’s ear about all the wine Robert had before the boar-goring given to him by a Lannister. Ned digests that information and tells Varys to call off the hit on Dany. He tells Ned that the text message was already sent and that it’s too late to add an LOL, Kidding! Smiley face, and that she’s probably already dead. And Ned thinks, “Crap, this day just gets better and better. Good thing I got Robert to sign his will.”
Champagne Dreams and Caviar Wishes: Back at the Dothraki Pocono’s Newlywed Chalet, Dany and Drogo are talking politics and braiding each other’s hair. Dany tries to convince Drogo that the world isn’t flat and that he should be trying to get into the game of thrones instead of sitting on the sidelines or worse being an army for hire. Drogo and his spectacular eyeliner gives a long sigh that says, “Oh, women, always wanting fancy chairs chocolate yak bark” tells Dany that he doesn’t need a throne just his horse and maybe a new gold belt. So she goes to Sears with Ser Jorah to run some errands. While there she discusses the dilemma of trying to get back to Seven Kingdoms with a husband who’s afraid of water. On a mission to hear from his spies, Jorah finds out that he can leave Dothrakiville and go home. Meanwhile, Dany runs into a wine merchant from Westeros who would like to serve her “nectar of the gods” after calling the rest swill. Jorah doesn’t buy it, and asks the wine merchant to open the wine cask and drink some himself. Dany catches on. The merchant runs before drinking and is captured.
Look to Your Left…and Look to Your Right: Earlier, Frodo and Samwise Gamgee are atop the wall watching for fireworks, the Abominable Snowman, or a spaceship until an unmanned rebellion Ton-ton comes riding through the snow without Luke Skywalker or Jon Snow’s Ranger uncle Benjen. We assume something very bad has happened to him if his horse comes back without a rider. It ain’t looking good for Benny and the Jets. Now, Frodo and Sam are listening to their commencement speech given by Dennis Hopper’s ghost. Instead of graduation caps that say The Watch Class of 1325, these guys have on capes and fur. Fun! Each graduate gets assigned his first entry-level job. There are three positions; Rangers, Builders, and Stewards. Basically, dudes on a horse, dudes building the stables, and dudes fetching the boots of those who ride. Samwise is thrilled to be a steward, and Jon is primed to be a Ranger just like Uncle Ben. But…ooops! Jon is named Anne Hathaway, and now he has to be the personal slave to Commander Meryl Streep! Curses! He’s none too happy, and goes on a massive pout and tells everyone that it’s totally unfair! Bitches! Samwise, ever the thinker, tells Jon that it’s really a good thing emptying the Commander’s piss pot, because he’ll be able to see everything, and that he’s really being groomed for a bigger title than just Ranger. We’ll see. Samwise and Frodo take their Watch oath outside of the Wall’s gates and just as they conclude, Frodo’s dire wolf, Ghost, finds a human arm severed at the wrist. Um, okay, not good.
Everybody Wants to Rule the World: Ned is still reeling from Robert’s death and runs into Renly who says that Ned should act against the Lannisters and take over before they’re able to regroup, and says that he would like to be king. Only problem…he’s not next in line. Renly’s older brother, Stannis, is. We’ve not met Stannis, but somehow we think that Stannis is more trouble than he’s worth, after all if you haven’t been introduced on the show yet, that usually means when you do you will Bring. The . Pain. Renly offers Ned some soldiers for the coup, but Ned isn’t ready to have a war with the Lannisters before Robert’s dead. Enter Littlefinger contestant number two, who is unmoved by news of Joffrey’s biological father. He wants to team up with Ned to keep everything in check by making peace with the Lannisters and controlling Joffrey. If and when they tire of Joffrey they would depose him as king, kill Stannis and place Renly on the throne….the implication being that Renly is someone else who they can control. Ned disagrees and calls this treason, but there is something that he needs if he’s going to eventually wage war against the Lannisters…money to pay for the security team, the Gold Cloaks, which Littlefinger has in his pocket. It comes down to whether or not Littlefinger loves Catelyn enough to help her husband.
You Ain’t Got No Alibi. You Ugly!: In the Dothraki dance tent the assassin is awaiting his penance. Dany is dismayed that the king, whom she doesn’t know is dead, still wants her dead. Jorah explains that she is the last of the Targaryens, she and her son, and that as the rightful owners of the throne, the King will always want her dead. Well, not really.
Drogo, clearly upset by the attempt made on his wife’s life, offers concern for her well-being and kisses her. As he does, Jorah looks like the taco he had for lunch just came charging back up his esophagus. Interesting. Unaware, Drogo thanks Jorah for figuring out the hit was happening and pledges to give Jorah a horse. And we’re like, a horse? What has Jorah been riding all this time? A rabbit with a teeny, tiny saddle affixed to its back? Whatever.
Drogo decides that since shit has just gotten real he needs to stop being afraid of the land-water and cross that damn sea. Yay! Drogo! We assume the swimming lessons at the YMCA went well? During this Dothraki pep rally, Drogo cheers his team to have victory in the coming battle. He stomps and shouts. We half expect him to don a horse mascot head and do a back flip into the Running Man in the middle of the school gym. Dany knows he’s doing this for her and like the head cheerleader, she couldn’t be more proud. And off they ride to ravage, pillage, plunder, and rape the women of Westeros…uh, okay. Dany didn’t say that, but she’ll take what she can get.
The King is Dead. Long Live the King: Robert is dead, and Ned has been summoned to the throne room by Joffrey and Cersei. Oh, shit. Before he gets there, Littlefinger assures Ned that the City Watch is ready to go at his command. Ned asks if Renly will be joining them and hears that Renly is long gone. Not a good sign.
In the throne room, little evil incest-munchkin Joffrey is now king. Where is Arya with her needle when we need her? While Joffrey says some stupid mouth-garble about coronations and fealty, the queen offers Ned an ultimatum, either swear loyalty to Joffrey so he can return to the gray wasteland of Winterfell, or else. Ned says, “Ok, lady, here read this.” and hands over the will written by Robert. Cersei says, “Uh, yeah, I hope you didn’t pin your argument on a phone bill” all Jack Nicolson style. Then she rips it up. Ned, nonplussed, tries to have the queen mother and the new King seized by the guard. They attempt and then Cersei calls her own guard, basically The Hound. Ned now calls his trump card, the Gold Cloaks, but wait…did Cersei just signal them? Oh, crud she did. Now the Cloaks turn on Ned’s remaining men and Littlefinger puts a knife to Ned’s throat. So he’s not over that whole Catelyn thing, eh?
Awesome. What are your thoughts?
For your reference, here’s the character infographic.
Via: Screen Rant
The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
