Tax man got you down? Of course he does, man. Of course he does. You work so hard for that dough and then it all goes away, man. It all goes away and if it doesn’t? Then bam! Straight to Alcatraz. Al Capone killed 937259023475 people, and what is he arrested for? T-A-X-E-S. So file those forms today or request that extension lest you end up the Birdman of Crasscatraz. Damned Big Brother. Like a monkey on our backs, and that’s an actual monkey, not a pinko Commie pre-human version Chim-PAN-zee*, man. You got a problem, man? Then you better take it up with the muscle and today’s Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™ Tobias Sørensen.
From WCRS Detroit and Public Snark International, it’s Life, Death and Violence, brought to you by pencils. Pencils: damn they’re sharp! Don’t use a pencil on those forms, though. The IRS doesn’t accept pencil. Pen only. Black or Blue. What an awful day to be sponsored by pencils really. If only the IRS did tax forms by ScanTron!
Today on our program: Inconveniences. Happy Least Favorite Day in America™ everybody!
LIFE!
LIFE!(Inconvenient, but fun, and hey, at least it doesn’t last forever)
- 1894: Nikita Khrushchev: Led to rapid baldness due to the stress of his jealousy over his predecessor’s magnanimous mustache, the lovable fat man of the Soviet Union caused many an inconvenience for the glorious post-war American government, not to mention his people (and several dogs), whom he shot into space on rockets made out of string and bubble gum, hurtling to the stars, hurtling to their deaths. He also banned Doctor Zhivago, regretted banning it, forced the author to decline his Nobel Prize and let his people become the most detestable group of people known to man: Tourists.
- After being charged for war crimes over the mistreatment of his cordwainery, Khrushchev was removed from office and given a pension where he grew depressed, wrote a memoir, smuggled it to the West, drank some vodka and died of a heart attack while wondering if it was stiflingly hot in Africa. Speaking of stifling heat:
1894: Nikita Khrushchev: Led to rapid baldness due to the stress of his jealousy over his predecessor’s magnanimous mustache, the lovable fat man of the Soviet Union caused many an inconvenience for the glorious post-war American government, not to mention his people (and several dogs), whom he shot into space on rockets made out of string and bubble gum, hurtling to the stars, hurtling to their deaths. He also banned Doctor Zhivago, regretted banning it, forced the author to decline his Nobel Prize and let his people become the most detestable group of people known to man: Tourists.
DEATH!
(Inconvenient AND Permanent)
- 1865: Abraham Lincoln: What an inconvenient time to die, man. At the theater? With your best hag? By the hands of a failed actor? Gee, whiz. America’s First Gay President had to deal with other inconveniences though, including but not limited to: That inconvenient Civil War (right when cotton and tobacco prices were dropping!), those bleeding hearts inconveniently fighting over his suspension of habeas corpus (damned human rights), and Mary Todd’s insanity (listen lady, it aint gonna happen!)!
- All highly inconvenient, but, Abe gone done fixed e’rything and then to be inconveniently shot? By a failed actor? At the theater? Oh, wait, already said that. His stovepipe hat, though? Very convenient, IFYOUKNOWWHATWEMEAN**
- We’re pretty sure he revolutionized armor though, and even if that’s a blatant lie***, it’s just an excuse for this:
1865: Abraham Lincoln: What an inconvenient time to die, man. At the theater? With your best hag? By the hands of a failed actor? Gee, whiz. America’s First Gay President had to deal with other inconveniences though, including but not limited to: That inconvenient Civil War (right when cotton and tobacco prices were dropping!), those bleeding hearts inconveniently fighting over his suspension of habeas corpus (damned human rights), and Mary Todd’s insanity (listen lady, it aint gonna happen!)!
- Union Soldier Circa 1864
VIOLENCE!
(Never ever inconvenient, except for those who die, in which case it’s a little inconvenient)
- 1912: The Titanic sinks. Lots of (famous!) people die. How inconvenient. The real tragedy, however, will not occur for another 85 years.
OTHER NEAT STUFF THAT HAPPENED!
- 1635: Tobias’ ancestors defeat the Romans in the 30 year war.
- 1755: SamJo pubs the English Dict.
- 1817: Some guys with French sounding names found the American School for the Deaf in, ugh, Connecticut, but fail to solve the core problem: How will they hear the television ads?
- 1896: Olympics are over. Hope you’re in good enough shape four years from now!
- 1923: Insulin is released to the public, but the real question is, will the deaf hear Wilford Brimley telling them they need insulin?
- 1947: Jackie Robinson becomes the first black baseball players after joining the Brooklyn Dodgers. Bed-Stuy Do or Die.
- 1983: TOKYODISNEY!
- 2002: Plane crash
- 2011: There was a suicide bombing in Indonesia today.****
That’s it for today, folks! See you on Tuesday! And remember, Swedish men are never inconvenient.
*We are aware chimpanzees are apes, not monkeys.
**Sex Toy Storage
***It was a lie
****UPDATE: Insensitive comments were made, removed. Sorry.
