Gawker Dating, Part IV: Continuing the “To Do” List

See what I did there? I used “To Do” which is sort of a generic errand list headline and appropriated it for Gawker dating because these are also people that I would “do” under the right circumstances, in this case “do” implying “have dirty sex with,” because “do” is often used as…what’s that? Get the hell on with it because no one cares what I have to say and everyone just wants to see the pretty people? All right then. Ungrateful bastards.

If I were single and male: Can you guess my favorite thing about this post by Helio? No, it’s not her smile, which is admittedly fantastic and makes me want to hang out with her, like, yesterday. And no, it’s not because she’s up for it at all hours of the day, although that is excellent. And no, it’s not even that she’s obviously a cheap date of the best kind. Rather, it’s that she basically included a glowing advertisement for her own boobs with this picture. If that guy can’t stop staring at them for long enough to smile for the camera, she’s obviously got a rack worth checking out on the regular. Shouldn’t you be that guy checking out her rack on the regular? Helio for president!

If I were single and managed to procure a photo, because I’m totes shallow like that: I felt like I couldn’t totally leave out those with fairly compelling photo-less bios, and this one by VamosLiga really spoke to me. BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE CILANTRO. Plus, I appreciate his willingness to show a little shame about capslacking. Oh, and I guess that whole hospitals thing is nice too.

If I were single, male, and didn’t mind being around cigarette smoke which unfortunately I do but not because I judge smokers so if you smoke that’s totally OK with me I just don’t want you doing it in my apartment because I don’t like the smell and it makes my eyes all red and stuff: Showing the importance of keeping up with GawkerDating if you want to catch the cute new additions we have halfapple, who is not only a clearly attractive lady behind all the wind-blown hair but whose ad leads me to believe is rather awesome, even if she used a vocab word I do not know. (Really, though, what’s lomography? Am I dumb? Does everybody know what this is?) Also, I really appreciate her strict standards for future companions.

If I were single, a little younger, and loved my friends: You can’t go wrong with a guy who loves books–you just can’t. When that guy also happens to be as cute as IronDuke, loves to travel, and makes a special effort to say that he doesn’t consistently attempt to dress like the Fonz, how can a girl resist?

If I were single, male, lived pretty much anywhere in the south, and were essentially a completely different person: I don’t love museums, I can’t run, I’m a somewhat picky eater, and I am totally humbled by her ability to participate in roller derbies to the point where I’m not sure I could even really hang out with her, but I will be damned if there is not the perfect man for PeachesNCreamYa out there somewhere. Every time I see this photo I assume it’s a still from that Ellen Page/Drew Barrymore movie that no one I know saw, and then I realize that it’s actually this girl. Guys, SHE IS A LIVING MOVIE. You cannot top that, you just can’t!

So I won’t try!

Tune in for Part V about something I haven’t decided yet whenever I get around to writing it!