Gawker Dating, Part III: If Only Things Were Different

You know how sometimes you find that perfect guy, but he’s 52, gay, and lives in Hawaii and you’re 24, straight, and live with your parents in Hoboken? Well, compound that by like a million and that’s what it’s like to look at GawkerDating as a Married. Because it’s more than reading a post and getting to that point where you see that the sexual orientations or locations don’t match up; it’s reading a post and seeing that even if everything matches up, it really doesn’t matter, and all you can do is make a creepy comment about the softness of some guy’s hair or excellence of some girl’s rack. Which isn’t to say that you (OK, we) want it to matter, but it feels like it should, like everyone should be able to get in on the fun equally, up until you send a picture of yourself to someone who decides you’re not hot and stops returning your PMs. Because isn’t that what life and love are all about?

Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t think about what you would do and who you would pursue if things were different, on any number of levels, really. To wit:

If I were single, male, and still heterosexual: Now, it’s hard to be completely objective, because, at least in this picture, she resembles the attractive Kristin Davis (as opposed to the one in my avatar) and seems like a damn lot of fun, but then again, why would I be objective? This is about dating. Pay attention! Ladies and gentlemen (or I guess really just gentlemen): katstermonster. She’s cute, clearly has a sense of humor, values her partner having some sort of direction (which, incidentally, was the breaking point that got me over the guy I’d been in love with for my entire adolescence–it’s amazing what the words “I don’t really want to do anything” can do to an ambitious 19-year-old), and though our interests don’t actually mesh at all, she seems like one of those people with whom opposites would actually attract in the “let’s learn about stuff from each other and also still have our own lives” kind of way.

If I were single, male, gay, and liked Dr. Who, although that last one is probably less likely than my becoming a gay man: I don’t know what it is about Private Hangnail, but I’m diggin’ it. Maybe it’s because he pulls off bald so well? No, wait, it’s that his ad made me smile with pretty much every line. You know that whole “show don’t tell” thing I ranted about in my previous post when it comes to describing your personality? This thing equals that thing. However, always be wary of someone who posts pics in sunglasses. You never know what they’re hiding. Probably syphilis.

If I were single, male, still heterosexual, living in LA, and had somewhat different interests: Not only is tunamelt gorgeous, but that interracial dating line gets me every time. Not sure I could endure another classical music concert in this lifetime but I like her open-to-everything attitude.

If I were single, male, still heterosexual, and living in Atlanta: There’s pretty much nothing about lifeislikecake‘s ad that I don’t like, and bonus points for putting cake in her screen name. Mmmm, cake. Cake is so good. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, amirite? Red velvet, perhaps? Or a good chocolate babka. Non-Jews eat babka too, right? You totally should  if you haven’t. Anyway, “I’m looking for a long-term ride to the airport. I hate asking my friends.” has to be among the best two-sentence paragraphs ever put in a dating ad, in part because it so succinctly captures one of the beautiful things about being in a relationship and in part because yeah, people should really stop asking their friends. It’s kind of a dick move, seeing as airports are usually pretty out of the way and you usually get stuck in like an hour of traffic trying to get there. Or maybe I just spent too much time living in NYC, because actually, in Philly, this isn’t that big of a deal. Also, she’s really cute.

If I were single, younger, tattooed, wasn’t terrified of publicly falling on my ass while playing kickball, and living in the Pacific Northwest: OK, so I don’t really have anything in common with I’m Ron Burgundy?, I just think he’s really cute.

If I were single, younger, male, and gay: This one’s kind of a no brainer, especially since Back in Nom Nom Nom was kind enough to post not one but two hot pictures! So, obviously a very kind and considerate guy. Plus, post indicates a sense of humor, and he sounds pretty easy.

If I were a lesbian, in my 40s, and wanted to feel terrible about my appearance: I don’t know what sort of game pancakepalooza is playing with this whole “I’m 41” business, but I do feel fairly confident she’s an enormous liar, which makes me think we could be friends. Also, as a total geography nerd (go on, ask me a country’s capital!) I fully appreciate any woman with a map in her bathroom. Granted, there’s that whole “Republican” thing, but seeing as she’s a lesbian I imagine we still probably share some of the same social values, like gays actually having rights and stuff. A little disappointed at the lack of plaid Bermuda shorts, but for not liking the Indigo Girls I think I can get back on board.

If I were single and lived in LA: Not enormous leaps, but what can I say? I’m a PensoTroppo fan. If you’re gonna look like a celebrity, Alton Brown’s not a bad one to resemble, especially if you’re a better-looking version. Also, any guy who puts “love of eating” as a top priority is gonna get along with me just fine. (Note: Since writing this paragraph, I’ve since discovered that he actually liked the Christmas episode of Community that aired last Thursday, so take this one with an entire shaker of salt.)

Well, this got long, didn’t it! Promise me you won’t tell my husband…

Stay tuned for Part IV! Which is just going to be more of these, because I’m totally not done mentally scoring.