Crass Parenting

I’m going to try to do a feature on parenting, Crasstalk style. Here’s my first post. If you are one of the four people who read my blog, you might recognize it. It should be fresh for 99.7% of readers.

Do People Judge New Moms about Breastfeeding?

The other day, I read the cutest comment on the internet by a mom-to-be. Let’s call her Marge. Marge was worried that people would judge her based on her decision whether to breastfeed exclusively or not.

Boy did I roll on the floor laughing until my eyes bled.

Marge, you’re worried that people will judge you based on whether or not you breastfeed? Marge, you need to back the hell up and start all over because you have completely misconstrued the situation. You are worried about #80 on the list of 7,856,912 things people will judge you about as a parent.

Marge, are you just now catching on to the judgment vibe? Where the heck have you been your entire pregnancy? What about the pre-pregnancy phase? If you were any kind of mother, you would have started taking folic acid a minimum of 6 months before you started trying to conceive. You really should have started taking a prenatal vitamin and started eating organic. Were you reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Expect in the Expectant Future?” last year and purging your house of lead-based paint and cat dander? Did your husband switch from briefs to boxers and eat a raw food diet so that only the healthiest sperm got out of the gates?

If not, you’re probably already dealing with a sub-standard fetus. Well, you’re going to have to do the best you can with what you’ve got. Maybe there’s a chance that the child’s life hasn’t been completely mangled. Try not to screw up the rest of the pregnancy. Listen to only classical music and avoid processed meats but eat only processed cheese. No caffeine and drink organic teas but be careful what herbs are in the teas because some herbs can cause birth defects. If a sip of alcohol passes your lips, expect Child Protective Services to show up and demand the infant in the delivery room. Also, it goes without saying that no one in your area code should be allowed to smoke, fart, exhale, or drive a car that runs on diesel fuel. If you can follow these simple rules, your child may have a chance at getting in to community college, at least on a conditional basis.

Your child might have a shot if you don’t mangle the birth process. Marge, it’s important to understand that birth is a process. You don’t just have a baby. You have to plan. There are midwives and doctors to consult, birth plans to write, delivery environments to choose, birth philosophies to embrace and pain management techniques to absorb. But we can’t get into any of that yet because first and foremost, you have to enroll in a Pregnancy Yoga class. When you’ve accomplished that, we will move to all the things you’ll be judged about during baby delivery and then, and only then, will we discuss how you’ll be judged during baby feeding. We’ve got a long way to go, Marge.