The Words I Never Write

It’s safe to say that I’m not the only person on this site who has their own personal blog.

In fairness, I’d probably be better off saying had, rather than has, as I haven’t written a post since 2008, and even then, I was only posting sporadically.  Of course, as we’ve learned, on the internet, everything is forever.  At my best, in 2005 and 2006, I was posting updates maybe 2-3 times a week.  And those posts, to be charitable, were centered around my hatred of dating, drunken adventures with friends, and the occasional opining on sports.

In short, it was a self indulgent enterprise that served to amuse my friends who knew half the stories because they were there, and the occasional passer-by who, bless their heart, had a less interesting life than me.

It was somewhere around the tail end of that experiment I realized:  I may fancy myself a decent, compelling writer, but, in reality, that isn’t really the case.  Considering that as a younger person, I felt like I had a chance to earn a living putting words to paper (or monitor, if you will), it was a hard lesson.  Realizing that to not be a realistic career path for me was hard, and not a little bit demoralizing.

That’s why I haven’t written a single thing for pleasure in over two years.  Not writing anything meant that I didn’t have to have anyone tell me that it wasn’t that good.  It’s not exactly a formula for becoming a more well-rounded individual, this much I know.  That said, failure and rejection are hard.  I don’t mean physically challenging, or mentally taxing.  Those things, I can handle.  I’ve always been a competent athlete, and I didn’t get to where I am professionally by being overtly dense.

It’s why, even with a very open invitation to come here and contribute, I struggle to find the voice with which to do it.   I’ve been a commenting peer of many people here for a year or more, and I know that you’re a very intelligent, discerning bunch.  I’ve seen the things you’ve had to say about bad writing, or bad writers.  Let’s just say this: For someone who doesn’t have a ton of confidence in his ability to construct sentences and paragraphs in a terribly compelling manor, there’s a sliver of intimidation there.

Even as I write this, I realize that it sounds at least a little bit like I’m hoping for pity, or at least, for the general commentariat to ‘take it easy’ on me.  That wouldn’t be realistic, or fun.  I am in my early 30s, and I want to force myself out of my comfort zone at least once in a while.

The reason I wanted to be a part of this is because I wanted to try and find some semblance of a voice again.  The chance to do it amongst a group of people I consider peers and friends is great. If I have to get my balls busted a few times because I’ve written a 47 word sentence, flipped verb tenses, or just said something terribly dumb, I’ll find the good in it.

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