This week on Game of Thrones, a noticeable dearth of naked breasts.
Last week: On last week’s season premiere, the theme seemed to be allies, or lack thereof. There’s Tyrion, with a father who only acknowledges his him because he can’t prove that his wife fucked someone else and a sister who tried to have him killed while he busy saving King’s Landing during the Battle of the Blackwater. Daenerys Targaryen has Jorah Mormont, Barristan Selmy, her dragons, and the dregs of her late husband’s khalasar, but not much else. Davos Seaworth fell from the position of Hand to the second-most-unlikeable King to resident of a dank cell faster than you can say “that bitch is bad news.” The Night’s Watch men beyond the Wall minus Jon Snow are surrounded by the Others, the wildings, and the cold with no hope of reinforcements after the Battle of the Fist because Samwell Tarly couldn’t get the ravens sent off (that was your only job, Sam!). Jon Snow is surrounded on all sides by enemies in the wilding camp. Catelyn and Robb Stark have reversed roles, with Robb having his mother sent to her room in Harrenhal like a naughty child for letting Jamie Lannister out to frolic in the woods with Brienne of Tarth, killing people. And of course Sansa is still in the lion’s den that is the capitol city, her only glimmer of hope coming from Littlefinger. And we all know how having Littlefinger as an ally can turn out.
This week: Bran (now with puberty), Rickon, Osha, and Hodor are still on the run (or roll). Bran has another weird dream featuring the three-eyed raven, which is how he first meets Jojen Reed (Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Love Actually). After dream-Bran attempts to take down the raven with an arrow, Jojen tells him that he cannot kill it because the raven is Bran (Symbolism! Or metaphor? I didn’t major in lit). Jojen and awesome older sister Meera (Ellie Kendrick, An Education), children of Stark bannerman Howland Reed, appear out of nowhere in the real world and freak out Osha, who finds Meera’s knife blade at her throat while Jojen plays Wolf Whisperer, putting down Summer’s hackles with a look. He also has the sight, the ability to see things past, present, or future, which is why he apparently became so intent on seeking out Bran. Jojen seems to have some of the answers about Bran’s abilities that Osha is unwilling or unable to share. Where Bran’s “black magic dreams” and warg abilities might be taking him is still unknown, though the group is northbound for the Wall.
The Stark host remains at Harrenhal, though not for long. Robb gives Catelyn a reprieve when word comes that Lord Tully has died, and that Bolton’s bastard found no Theon or Stark boys in Winterfell; Catelyn lays on the guilt, asking her son, “Will I be wearing manacles when I lay my father to rest?” Robb, his mother, Talisa, and some of the Stark men start off for Riverrun to bury him, though when Lord Karstark complains that it is a waste of time, Robb tells him that they need to pick up some more men from Catelyn’s brother Lord Edmure Tully. Karstark then goes on to tell him, “I think you lost this war the day you married her,” and points to plot complication Talisa. Well, that’s encouraging. Catelyn, assembling some kind of charm to protect her children, has a sit down with Talisa and tells her how she sat through the night with Jon Snow as he fought the pox as a child. Which makes you think, “aw, maybe she isn’t such a cold-hearted bitch about Jon,” and then she continues on to say that she had prayed that Jon would die and thought that the pox had been her prayers answered. So she felt kinda guilty for wishing death on an innocent boy and promised the gods that she would be a good step-mom if he lived, and then he did, and she then she was like, “just kidding!” and continued treating him like shit.
Speaking of Jon Snow, he has convinced Mance Rayder (played by Northern Irish actor Ciarán Hinds, There Will Be Blood and many more) that he wants to join the wildings, for the moment, though Rayder makes it clear that he will kill him without hesitation if Jon is playing them false. Jon, having already been introduced to the giants that live beyond the Wall, next meets Orell the warg, who tells them about the Fist of the First Men. Keep a straight face, Jon. Meanwhile, Sam is pressured into giving up on the long march in the cold by asshole coworker Rast until Grenn and Edd Tollett fall back to motivate him (Grenn: “If you stop, you’ll die.” Edd: “Of course, if you don’t stop, you’ll probably die too.”). Commander Mormont forbids him to die, which Sam meekly obeys.
Theon is in a spot of bother, seeing as he actually is in the capable hands of someone who enjoys a bit of torture. While he is being tortured with close-up shots of fingernails being pried off—ha, oh wait, that was me—his unnamed assailant is grilling him about his reasons for taking Winterfell. After giving several different reasons, we he still gets a close-up of corkscrew through the foot. Then some dude played by Iwan Rheon of Misfits (Seriously, watch it. It’s on Hulu.) tells him that he was sent by Yara Greyjoy and that he’ll get him out that night, and then leaves him there while Theon whines. One could almost feel sorry for the poor little sister-groper.
Brienne and Jamie are still frolicking through the woods, with Jamie on a leash like a talking dog that has to shit on everything (“I visited Winterfell. I would have noticed your dour head smacking into the archways”). He quickly picks up on Brienne’s super-secret crush on Renly, and uses that until he goes one too far (“It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out of cocks, they’d have never got him off it,”) and she tells him to STFU. While doing this, a friendly old man turns up greets them. 
After the man moves on, Jamie tells Brienne to kill him because he has been recognized; Brienne refuses. Later, Jamie sits down on the middle of an exposed bridge until Brienne leans over him, giving him the opportunity to grab one of her swords. Even manacled, he holds his own for a while before Brienne beats him down just in time to greet a group of Lord Bolton’s men, who appear with the friendly old man to fuck up their day. Jamie’s unforgiving ways have their place.
Sansa, giddy with the thought of escaping King’s Landing with the aid of Littlefinger, is reluctant to accept Shae’s warning that he might have ulterior motives related to what’s under her four layers of clothing, choosing to believe that it is only his love for her mother that motivates him. Sansa has come a long way, but she has a long way to go still. She receives a surprise invitation from Ser Loras Tyrell—still obviously the man of her dreams—to join the queen-to-be and Grandma Tyrell in the gardens. Taking advantage of the lack of hiding places for spies, cool old Lady Olenna (Diana Rigg, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) asks for and drags out the truth about Joffrey’s personality from Sansa, whilst simultaneously insulting every member of her own family and berating the servingman. While she describes the plan to make Margaery queen as fueled by the ambition of her son, Margaery’s father, I have my doubts.
Shae goes to Tyrion, despite the threat of Tywin Lannister to kill any whore he finds in Tyrion’s bed. She asks Tyrion to help her protect Sansa from Littlefinger and any other threats, and then an adorable argument, and then a blowjob.
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All screencaps taken by the author
