Ke$ha sloshes onto the runway, her arms full of knockoff “designer” purses she bought from the trunk of a car parked outside of Parson’s. She brandishes these sweatshop creations and tells the sewtestants it’s time to pick a bag, any bag. Each designer picks a (cheap-looking) bag and inside, guess what! There’s a luggage tag with the name of a season on it.
Who got what? Austin and Kara will always have Spring, Michael and Jerell shiver in Winter. Kenley and Mondo sweat through Summer, and that leaves Mila and Rami with Autumn. Aww-tummmm, Ke$ha intones, sounding like one of those self-hypnosis tapes they used to sell at Waldenbooks. Turns out the two people in each “season” are competing against each other, so there will be a top 4 and a bottom 4. Are you even a little bit curiious about what happens next? If so, there’s more after the jump, but as always, there’s spoilers
As the designers go to Mood, they tell the camera the “story” of the woman they’re designing for, and all the stories are outlandish. Oh, my girl is a pirate with a colostomy bag who is on her way to her first dentist appointment in 35 years. Oh yeah? Well my girl is so Old Money, she is third generation inbred and was born with twelve fingers and nine toes, and they’re all webbed. The designers try to top each other’s fantasies, but they soon run out of things to say, and whimper their way back to the workroom.
Once everyone has their workstation setup, Mondo and Kenley notice they both have polka-dot fabric. Are the designers running out of inspiration so soon in this season? Are they all having the same ideas? Have all their cycles synched up? Apparently so, since Jerell makes a huge jacket and right after as he fits it on Kenley, he comes back to his workstation, and sees Michael (his seasonal competitor and next door neighbor) making the same jacket in a slightly different fabric. Scandal!
Joanna Coles breezes into the workroom and sexually harasses all the designers, you know, as you do. It’s a New York/London/Paris/Munich, everybody talk about, pop music kind of thing. The sewtestants slap away Joanna’s Roman hands and Russian fingers, asking the producers to make her stop. The show producers, laying on chaise lounges and eating peeled grapes, do nothing.
Since Jerell can’t help pointing out how similar Michael’s look is to his, and Michael can’t produce a sketch of the design he’s currently making (because his original sketch, shown above, looks like a dominatrix, not some lady swaddled in too much cloth), Joanna gives up her attempts for a free feel and gathers the designers around. “Look, you ninnies,” she says, “I’ve seen Tim Gunn do this once or twice, so let’s get down to it. What do you think about the situation here?” Kenley’s nostrils make a “wah wah wah” sound, which Joanna interprets as “Michael is just copying Jerell,” and then Rami jumps in and says, “Yeah! And um, stuff.” Great contribution there, Rami. Sexually frustrated, Joanna leaves the workroom, heading back to Marie Claire where there are no pesky TV cameras and a plethora of vulnerable interns.
You know the drill at this point of the show — a quick montage of last-minute sewing, accessory selection, model fittings, a swirly twirl through Product Placement Land, and before you know it, we’re off to the runway, where both hangers from each season appear at the same time.
First up, Austin and his pants that put the waist somewhere around the model’s collarbone, and Kara’s 70’s gray / purple / white ensemble she bought at Talbots in 1979, plus Roseanne Rosannadanna hair. That’s Spring for you.
For Summer, Kenley’s hanger is rocking a blue onesie with white polka dots, and coral-colored strappy bootie-type shoes. A onesie. A powder-blue onesie. Yeah. That happened. Mondo’s ladygirl is giving us 80’s Barbie with plaid short shorts and a dotted “Desperately Seeking Susan” top.
Next, Rami shows us a blue jacket, gray suede pants and an acid green top. Mila has a red top, a tan and black cape and jeans? At least, it looks like jeans, maybe, sorta.
Wrapping things up, Jerell shows his big gray jacket, and Michael shows his big gray copy of Jerell’s design jacket. Jerell’s styling is younger, with big poufy hair and a slouchy cap, where Michael’s styling is older and more polished.
How did the seasons wrap up? Spring — Kara wins, Austin loses. Summer — Kenley wins, Mondo loses. Autumn — Mila wins, Rami loses. Winter — Jerell wins, Michael loses.
Out of the top four, Jerell takes the win. Interesting that none of the four girls lost their match-ups, isn’t it? Because there’s no way that Kenley’s onesie would have won anything in any previous season, ever.
Out of the bottom four, Rami is sent home for the titscrepancy in his acid-green top. If the judges hadn’t asked him to open his jacket, they probably wouldn’t have seen the shirring at the model’s breastline which made her chest lopsided. But they did ask, and they did see, and what was seen could not be un-seen.
A small ray of sunshine? Rami’s ass as he skipped up the stairs after his runway elimination. Bouncin’ and behavin!
Next week: Broadway! Jazz Hands! Kara Crying!
