Do you live in some awful yuppie enclave full of Audi-driving assholes who walk their little shit-ass lap dogs around and complain about the quality of the ceviche at that new Peruvian molecular gastronomy bistro down the street? Yes, you obviously do because you read this site.
So let me take this opportunity to show you how real ‘Mericans live — in a place where the idea of Sunday alcohol sales is still legitimately controversial. You probably think I’m talking about some small town in 1950s Georgia. You would be WRONG, ass blood. I’m talking about a small town in 2012 Georgia!
The delightfully-named Dahlonega Nugget is your home for news about Lumpkin County (pop. 29,000). Last week “The Nug” (as the locals probably call it) reported that the local mountain folk ain’t quite sure about selling that there devil water on the Sabbath!
Some local store owners recently appeared before the county board of commissioners, where they presented a petition in favor of a ballot referendum to allow Sunday ack-a-hawl sales. They made their arguments in the most logical, reasonable fashion, of course.
You’d think this would be a no-brainer — more tax revenues would come in and a few local businesses could benefit from some extra purchases. But you obviously think that way because you’re a Chick-fil-A hating denier of Christianity.
Both commissioners Tim Bowden and Clarence Stowers spoke against allowing it to become a ballot question.
“I think the legislature passed it on to the counties because they got weak,” said Stowers. “Chick-fil-A closes on Sunday, and it is one of the most successful businesses there is.”
How can you argue with this logic? Chick-fil-A, a regional purveyor of fried chicken sangwiches, is clearly one of the most successful businesses of all time. OF ALL TIME! Also if Exxon-Mobil stopped selling gas on Sundays they would probably make way more money.
Several pastors were also present to voice their objections to having the issue put on the ballot. Lance Fuller, pastor of Friendship Baptist Church said he understood the desire to promote business, but asked the board to “not even put it on the ballot. You don’t get the calls at night saying, ‘Pastor, my child has been killed by a drunk driver.’ There’s never enough money to bring back that child.”
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Stowers also said that in reality, there is very little money in Sunday sales when it comes to sales tax.
“Even if we made $100,000 a year that would only pay for two deputies—just the deputies, not their cars or equipment. It doesn’t pay off. Personally, I don’t want my wife coming home from church and meeting a motorcycle with a drunk driver.”
“It’s a controversial issue, and there are strong feelings on both sides,” Bowden said. “But even if we do get extra sales tax from Sunday sales, and while we aren’t getting any money now, I think it’s possible and even probable that we will have more DUIs and domestic violence incidents and it would have an impact on the cost of services.”
This is Appalachia! Where it’s still practically legal to commit domestic violence if you live in a trailer park. It’s a place where no one will look at you sideways when you jump the General Lee over a river while drinking pig-liquor moonshine after attending services at your snake-handler Pentecostal church. Just don’t try to buy a bottle of wine on Sundays, fancy ass fuckface.
