Oh, Newsbunny, I know you’re thinking — can’t we kick off the holiday season in a joyous fashion?
C’mon, guys, you know me better than that.
Every December, we find ourselves in a mall, terribly lost somewhere between Macy’s and JC Penney, underpaid teenagers in cheap Santa hats trying to lure us to their little carts to waste money on things that should never see the light of day. Not only are we lost, confused, separated from our loved ones, dreaming of a white Christmas but instead inhaling leftover fumes from cheap perfume wafting from Bath and Body Works, we’re hungry, our blood sugar is low, and those horrible, horrible songs are playing on a never-ending loop on that sad excuse for a mall sound system.
Cover your ears.
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6xNuUEnh2g
I hate this one, because it could not rock less. It is the opposite of rock. Brenda Lee recorded this in 1958. Chuck Berry was rockin’ like this in 1958.
Baby’s First Christmas:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPEjYsq2vmY&feature=related
You just know Daddy’s a lush and Mommy’s fucking the mailman and Miss Peterson, who is Big Brother’s first-grade teacher and everyone in town knows it and funny how baby has brown eyes when Mommy and Daddy and Big Brother all have blue eyes, isn’t? Good thing Daddy’s too drunk to remember basic genetics.
Here Comes Santa Claus:
From hell!
The Chimpunks, Christmas, Don’t Be Late:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEuG3lGuQjo
If Alvin, Simon, and Theodore were to show up in my neighborhood, I would allow Amelia to hunt them and eat them for breakfast. And then I would mount their little heads over my bed.
Wonderful Christmastime:
Sir Paul, I love you. Look at what you’ve done, man. Eleanor Rigby. Who ever thought of pairing a rock song with a full orchestra? Who ever thought of a concept like Sgt. Pepper? Blackbird. The medley on Abbey Road. Dude, you are the Walrus. You had it in you when the Beatles broke up. Maybe I’m Amazed. Live and Let Die. So what the fuck is this?
The Little Drummer Boy:
I get it, dude. You got a fucking drum. Just shut up about it already. Pa rum pa pa rum whatever. Please note the above video features David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing together. That is nuts.
This Christmas:
This Christmas, this beaten up old shoe will dragged over over and over and over again.
All I Want For Christmas is You:
I just hate Mariah Carey.
Bob Dylan, Must Be Santa:
I have been thinking about Bob’s Christmas in the Heart album for two years now. I don’t understand it. I was very excited before it came out in 2009. This is going to be awesome! I thought. I got a barely awake Bob Dylan singing The Little Drummer Boy and this…piece of shit. There as been much debate over whether Dylan was attempting to be ironic. I don’t think so. Dylan is not usually this subtle. I think Bob was bored and decided to make fun of us.
Just so I don’t end on a sour note:
Two Christmas songs I will always love:
BRUUUUUUUUUCE, and only BRUUUUUUUUUUCE’S version of Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yErhglOXIxM
and RUN D.M.C’s Christmas in Hollis:
Merry Christmas, Ya’ll.
