We’ve talked about crazy parents in some recent posts and the general trend in society in which children have become less disciplined and more annoying. It occurred to me that people without children may not have been exposed to The Cult of Attachment Parenting.
I guarantee you know the signs and symptoms of Attachment Parenting (AP). They include baby slings, nonstop breastfeeding, children brought everywhere so they are never separated from their parents, babies taken on date nights and the whole general cult of “Respecting Children.”
Let me give you an example of how AP looks in real life. Once, I offered to watch a child that was part of an AP family so her parents could go on a date alone:
- Expected Response: Couple flies out door at speed of light while yelling “Thank You!!!” over shoulder.
- AP Response: “Our daughter is an equal member of our family. We would never go anywhere she isn’t welcome.” (This is a direct quote).
What the heck? What on earth would cause parents to think like this? Too much soy in their diet? An abundance of green tea in their cupboards? Actually, it’s a theory of parenting that has many devotees. Here is a link to Attachment Parenting International’s explanation of AP. I will summarize the eight AP principles for you in my own words. This should help you fully understand Attachment Parenting.
1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
- Be as mindful as possible about the child’s birth environment so the child is not scarred for life by a c-section or other medical intervention. Good mothers have intervention-free births in a tub at home. Substandard mothers go to hospitals. The bottom-of-the-barrel mothers have c-sections.
- Maximize nature’s natural plan for parent-child bonding. Don’t let them clean the baby up after it’s born. Have the baby placed on your chest in all its natural goo glory so you can recognize its smell.
- Start breastfeeding immediately – before you’ve even delivered the placenta.
2. Feed With Love and Respect
- Breastfeed. Breastfeed exclusively for as long as possible and breastfeed for 2 years minimum even if you have to stay up half the night pumping since you have to work all day. Formula feeding is child abuse.
- You shouldn’t use a pacifier because that will cause nipple confusion. You really shouldn’t use a bottle either.
- The mother should be doing the feeding because that is more natural so you cannot get away with pumping and then giving the bottle to dad or anyone else.
- Prepare an attack stance for anyone that seems vaguely uncomfortable with you breastfeeding in public.
3. Respond With Sensitivity
- Your child is a special snowflake and you should allow him to express himself. You must monitor the environment to make sure no one is trying to inhibit him.
- Comfort the child when she has a tantrum even if she does it in public in the most embarrassing situation possible. Your job is to soothe the child and help the child express her feelings.
- You know how your parents always made you quiet down in public? That is why you are unhappy and unfulfilled as an adult.
4. Use Nurturing Touch
- Hold the baby all the time.
- Buy a sling and wear the baby. Wear it when you are doing chores or taking a bath or reading Dr. Sears’ book (If you’ve gotten this far with AP, you know who Dr. Sears is).
- If you put the baby down, you do not love the baby. Cribs, playpens, swings, chairs and are akin to telling the baby that you are going to abandon it.
- Also, don’t beat your children
5. Ensure Safe Sleep – Physically and Emotionally
- Co-sleep unless you have been drinking. Drunks smash babies.
- Don’t force a bedtime on your child. Let the snowflake determine when s/he is tired.
- Do not throw the baby into a crib in another room unless you want it to grow up to be a mental patient.
- Never let the baby cry even if it is 4 am and you haven’t slept for 3 days and you’re maybe starting to hallucinate just a smidge and you might have a complete psychological break if you don’t take a brief time out.
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care
- Instead of adapting the baby to your life, you must completely adapt your life to the baby.
- No babysitters. Bring the baby on date night.
- No daycare unless they understand how special your snowflake is.
- If your child is in daycare more than 20 hours a week, he will be so traumatized that he may end up on a tower with a rifle.
7. Practice Positive Discipline
- If you love your baby enough and are attached enough to it, it won’t misbehave.
- If your child is misbehaving, you must smother it with love and rainbows.
- Children who are put in time out are 75% more likely to die alone and unloved.
8. Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life
- Accept that your life is over and you must now kowtow to the children now.
- Hang out with other hippies.
I hope this guide to Attachment Parenting is helpful. Let me know if you have any questions.
