Hi! I’m assuming you are still reading this and haven’t gone off somewhere in disgust at my previous post. Let’s review the three basic guidelines for the NBA Rules of Comic-Con: Not Being an Asshole:
- Don’t Be Creepy
- Don’t be “That Guy/Gal”
- Be Honest
Don’t be “That Guy / Gal”
Yesterday we talked about not being creepy. Today I’d like to go through a list of scenarios that separate normal decent human beings from people who should be taken away and studied for their deficiencies. We’re talking about those persons who ruin things for others by acting out in antisocial or just plain stupid ways. You know, being “That Guy/Gal.”
Lets set them up as multiple choice.
That Guy/Gal Quiz
Question #1: You are a woman in line waiting to ask Tina Fey a question. She’s starring in a children’s film, and the panel is at 10am on a Thursday morning. Which is an appropriate observation as part of your question?
1. Mrs Fey, you are a beautiful, intelligent and genuinely funny woman. How do you find being one of the most successful comediennes in Hollywood?
2. OMG! YOU’RE SO FUCKING HOT IN PERSON 4REALZ GIRLFRIEND!!1!
If you answered #2. Congratulations! Not only did you freak out an actress and become a cautionary tale, you also closed down questions early on a hysterical panel that included Will Ferrell (in costume) and Jonah Hill. Also, you yelled a word that got Ralphie’s mouth washed out with soap in a room filled with kids. Awesome. You should probably feel a little bit of shame, but you probably feel pride. You are that stupid.
Question #2: You brought a stroller to the floor at Comic-Con. Why?
1. I figured it was a good place to keep our kids while we did some shopping.
2. I figured it was a good place to store what we bought while our kids ran around unattended.
If you answered #1, you fucking liar.
Question #3: You let your 18-month-old toddler run around the floor at Comic-Con. How many times did he get knocked over by a swag bag?
1. Less than 5, I swear.
2. I dunno. I wasn’t paying any attention.
If you answered anything other than #2, My fiancée was playing goalie for your children while you shopped for naked anime figurines. LIAR! MONSTER!
Question #4: A man asks you to scoot over and give room in a crowded panel. What is an appropriate response?
1. Grudging acquiescence.
2. A pencil to the skull.
If you answered #2, Congratulations! You’ve become the standard bearer for atrocious behavior in Hall H. Thanks to you I had to watch the trailer for OWLS OF GOOHLIHOOLIE (or whatever the fuck that movie was called) 4 TIMES. You’re a popular costume to boot. You’d appreciate all of this, but you can never come back.
Question #5: It’s day 3. Which of the following did you forget to do today before you ran down to the Con?
1. Wash
2. Put on Deodorant
3. Change clothes.
4. All of the above. Don’t judge me.
I’m not going to knock you, we’ve all been there. Just do everyone a favor and sit in the back somewhere. For real.
Question #6: You want to ask a question. Which of the following do you think is appropriate behavior?
1. Open a flipcam so you can record yourself being recorded asking a question. How meta.
2. Mention the name of whatever personal blog you are writing in the hopes anyone will give a shit.
3. None of the above.
If you answered 3, you never asked your question. You were mowed down by all the bloggers who beat you with their flipcams.
Question #7: You want to ask Grace Park a question at the Hawaii 5-0 panel. Which one do you think is inappropriate?
1. Asking her if she spends a lot of time in a bikini.
2. Do I need to put another answer here?
If you answered #2. Good. If you didn’t, seriously dude, what the fuck were you thinking? The show is called Hawaii 5-0. OF COURSE THERE WILL BE BIKINI SHOTS. Hell, they showed two Grace Park bikini scenes on the fucking jumbo tron before you asked your question. If you didn’t see it, you are blind. In which case, why were you asking for something you will never see?
Question #8: Comic-Con asks you to turn off your recording devices before they show an exclusive clip. What do you do?
1. Turn off your recording device.
2. Fuck the system! I’m putting this on Youtube! LOLOLOL!!1!
If you answered #2, you are why we can’t have nice things.
Question 9: What swag is worth injuring another person for?
1. The limited edition Warner Brothers swag bag.
2. Limited edition Dexter bobble head.
3. Nothing. If I can’t get it, I’ll buy it off of ebay tomorrow.
If you answered anything other than #3, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Warner Brothers gives a bag away every year. It’s not worth dying over, or getting arrested. Review question #4, seriously.
Question 10: You are pushing your stroller past a line for Robert Kirkman and Cliff Rathburn signing copies of The Walking Dead paraphernalia. The line is long and you are told the following by a volunteer: You need a ticket to get in line and that the line is going to take 45 minutes to get through. What do you do?
1. Go to the back of the line and wait for your turn.
2. Have your 5-year-old daughter cut to the front of the line and use her kindergarten charm to get your copies of The Walking Dead signed.
If you answered #2. Congratulations! You managed to do the following: You creeped out every person behind your daughter with your astounding lack of parenting skills and bad judgment. You managed to freak out Robert Kirkman. Robert Kirkman, a man who makes his living from inventing the most gruesome and depressing plotlines he can think of. I know, I was 2 people behind your daughter and got to see the look of horror and disgust on his face at the idea that you would hand your 5-year-old his comics, which are clearly written for adults.
You ruined the signing experience for me, as I couldn’t engage with Kirkman at all after you left. I imagine he was creating a new comic character in his head called Shitty Mother. You’re a star!
How to score your results
If you thought any of the behaviors demonstrated by anyone in any of these questions was even close to being OK, you shouldn’t be allowed near other human beings. Seriously, this is a basic list of items that my first-grader would understand as bad.
It’s easy not to be “That Guy / Gal.” If, however, you find this difficult, do the following: print this list of questions, take it with you, apply whatever you are having doubts about to a question on this list. DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHATEVER THE INSANE PERSON DID!
BONUS QUESTION:
You are in a panel with Oscar-winning actor Josh Brolin. What is the appropriate response?
1. Polite applause and cheers
2. GOONIES! GOOOOOOONNIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!
This is a trick question. The correct answer is always #2. Forever. I don’t care if he shows up in court. This needs to be the response.
Note: I loved you in No Country for Old Men. Also, Goonies.
