An Imaginary Response to 11 Years of Civil Unions

The recent court battle over marriage equality in New York State reminded me of the battle for civil unions in Vermont. In the summer of 2000, the year that civil unions passed, my husband and I had just opened up a store in the northern part of Vermont. And the civil union debate wasn’t even a debate, it was just one-sided yelling.Just to clear up any misinformation – Vermont is not over-run with free-love hippie beet farmers who count Buddha beads while they meditate over which they love more, pot or homosexuals. In fact, Vermont is a delightfully diverse state filled with thoughtful and deliberative people and, then, some others…not so much.  

For instance, in March of 2000 my husband and I went to our town meeting to vote on, among other things, civil unions. We knew tempers were running high (a town clerk had threatened to quit if she had to issue a civil union license and the story had been picked up by Fox News) because our neighbors’ lawns were littered with “TAKE BACK VERMONT” signs. Eleven years later I still don’t know what they wanted to “take back.” DNA? The Stonewall riot 30 years before? The pronunciation from “Vermont” back to the original French “Ver-Mont?”

But, when we went to the town meeting my husband and I knew that we were outvoted. The parking lot was full of vehicles covered with bumper stickers and make-shift cardboard placards in the backs of sedans and trucks proclaiming that Vermont was going back in time before “Soddam and Gomora” (sic), that “Demoncrats are going to hell!” and, the tried and true, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!”

When we walked into the town meeting we had to wait awhile for the vote while many, many, speakers explained that “the gays” were “only going to get sissier and they are going to recruit our kids to a sick lifestyle” if civil unions passed. Then the town meeting devolved into a group of people just ranting about “corn-holeing.” My husband and I voted, then ran to our car and drove quickly up the dusty back road. We may have even squealed our tires or “squawked ’em” on the way out out of the municipal library parking lot. It was an issue that we were passionate about, but those people at the meeting had guns and Pepsi in their front seats, while we just had a 6-pack of beer and some Beck cassettes.

As an aside, I have never quite figured out how “corn-holer” really works as a pejorative term. I always figured that “folks” were just going for shock value over “words that make sense.”

But the massive farm truck covered in bumper stickers that blocked our store everyday didn’t leave much to the imagination with nonsensical words.

“Real Vermonters spread shit, they don’t pack it.”

And the wordsmith who parked in front of our door didn’t even get a parking ticket when he was parked there half a day. Even though the city has a strict enforcement of “2 ½ hour parking.”

Some good-ole boy networks still stand.

I had a fantasy that I longed to make a reality, but I was a Photoshop amateur. However, if I had been proficient in graphic design I would have recreated the “shit” bumper-sticker with one that looked identical, but instead said: “Real Vermonters don’t spread shit, they pack it.” Then I would have painstakingly covered the other bumper sticker and waited for the fall-out.

Anti-gay man attacked on highway for suspicion of being gay

Northern VT: On Saturday, Gill LaFontaine was driving to Walmart on I-89 when he was confused by the honking from behind his Chevy Silverado. He instinctively pulled into the right lane because the vision in his rear-view mirror was strange. Behind him was a Ford F150 with the driver, Dick Johnson and passenger, Burt Manning both leaning out of their windows shaking their fists. However, when LaFontaine pulled into the right lane, so did the Ford. The two trucks were then involved in a low-speed chase due to all of the traffic heading into Chittenden County with the Ford’s high-beams and horn going non-stop. When LaFontaine pulled over at the nearest rest stop to confront his tormenters he was shocked.

They had been targeting him because of a coarsely worded pro-gay bumper stickers on the back of his Chevy.

“But, I hate homos, don’t want them to get civil unioned, and I thought my opinion was clearly spoken on my back bumper!”

However, Gill LaFontaine had been the victim of a cruel prank.

His bumper was covered with stickers that were the opposite of his true political views.

“Take Vermont up the butt!”

“Real Vermonters for familial values!”

“NO WALMART NOW!” (For some reason the people who want a Walmart in Northern Vermont are also rabidly homophobic. It’s a strange dichotomy.)

The argument between Lafontaine and his pursuers escalated into a fist-fight when the Johnson and Manning wouldn’t believe that Lafontaine wasn’t a practicing homosexual.

All three men were taken into police custody and are being held for lack of bail.

It would have been glorious.

Photo by Sairah Monster via Flickr

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *