It was less than 48 hours after the proposal that the binder had already been constructed. I didn’t even really mean to see it, but as I was clearing off our cluttered counter I spotted the pink three-ring binder tucked away under some papers. At first I thought it may have been a work file, but the pale pink seemed an odd choice for a professional folio. I picked it up to examine the meaning of all this.
There was no cover (there would be one later), no binder label (that too) and no indication from the outside what it was for at all. When I opened to the first page and saw a list of links to every wedding website imaginable, I finally realized what I was holding. My fiancée is an incredibly well-organized person, but even for her this was a quick turnaround. My only explanation was that she’d been lying in wait; there had to be a secret cache of magazine clipouts, Internet printouts, and pricing lists that she’d constructed over the previous months. As it turns out, she had compiled all of this over the now 48 hour life of our engagement. The ideas, she said, had been stewing in her head since she was a little girl.
I can honestly say that I never dreamed about a wedding growing up. I pretty much figured that at some point I’d meet a girl and we’d have a thing and do a ceremony and eat some food and we’d be married. I thought it would be somewhere nice – perhaps on a beach or at the 50 yard line of a Vikings game – but not somewhere over the top. And I’d like to really look nice for my bride, so I’d maybe go down to Sears and buy that really nice suede sport coat I’d had my eye on. A tux? Was the President going to be there? No thanks. Afterwards, I thought we’d all change into more comfortable clothes, grab some pizza (lots of people fed well for minimal cost) and dance the night away with a cheap beer in one hand and our date in the other. As I started attending weddings in my later college years (I KNOW) and after graduation, I started to understand that my redneck version of a wedding probably was not going to fly.
That first week of being engaged, of hearing my bride-to-be talk about all sorts of seemingly insignificant aspects of the wedding to any number of parties on the phone and in our kitchen, opened my eyes. There were two venues, both equally beautiful, that were up for grabs. Discussion surrounded dresses for the engagement party, the bridesmaids, the bachelorette party, the wedding, and the reception. Flowers, food, seating, table design, chair covers, date, and guest list debate was happening on a nightly basis. I had always assumed those things sort of happened, as if the wedding party made one or two decisions and the balance of the plans were magically taken care of by a tiny wedding fairy. But no detail, down to cutlery and napkin holders, went unmentioned.
We’re at the point now where most decisions have been made. Our wedding will be in November, so all of the big things are essentially finalized. All that remains is some guest list tweaking and bachelor(ette) party planning, not to mention all of the anxiety that comes with living with someone who is planning a wedding. Over the past eight months, I’ve learned a lot about the process and what I would share with guys in similar circumstances. What follows is a summary of things I’ve learned that may be helpful to you.
- The Ring – This isn’t really about wedding planning, but I felt like I needed to include. This is a piece of jewelry that she will be wearing for at least a while (until it’s time for a new one) or possibly for the remainder of her life. Get her what she wants. Sure, being surprised is great, and you still can surprise her with the proposal. Some women will say they will be happy with anything. This is a trap. Take her to a jewelry store and try on rings. You don’t have to buy it there with her, but make sure you BOTH know what she wants.
- The Venue – This is one aspect where you may have some sway. Remember, you want somewhere functional, somewhere that’s easy to move around in and easy to get in and out of. I am a firm supporter of having ceremony and reception in the same place (if not necessarily in the same space). This eases travel and coordination, especially if you’re having older family members at your wedding. The simpler you can make any step in the process, the less likely it is to screw up on your wedding day. And that, my friends, is a good thing.
- The Dress – Don’t bother. You don’t understand, and you shouldn’t.
- The Tux – Again, functionality is key. The main ingredient is finding a tux that matches the colors of the wedding and looks good enough on you. No one will care what you look like anyway, except your bride. Have her pick out your tux colors but leave the fit and cut up to you. You’ll know what looks best on you and what feels the most comfortable. Remember – no tux will look good if you’ve passed out because it’s too tight or too hot.
- The Bridal Party – The only area of the wedding that will be purely under your control is who your groomsmen are. Pick the people you trust most in the world, and not one more. If your bride tries to inject one of her choices onto your side, graciously accept and ask her to make your best girl friend or the most attractive woman you both know on her side. This will usually cut off her request at the knees. Family members of your bride are an exception, especially a brother-in-law who distrusts the family he married into as much as you will. This common bond will serve you well in the future.
Wow, how pretty, yeah just let it go. - The Flowers, the Table Settings, the Chair Covers – You will be asked about these things. Graciously agree with whatever your bride proposes, but make sure it’s not a blanket green light. You don’t want anything snuck under your nose.
- The Food and Drink – Again, here you should be an active participant. If there’s ever a food or cake tasting, for the love of all holy GO. It’s usually free, and you can try a bunch of food. Plus, the food and drink are the only parts your groomsmen will remember, so treat this aspect with the utmost respect. Open bars are not always a good idea, depending on your guest list. You probably won’t be drinking much anyway, as you’ll have to be sober enough to remember the names of distant aunts and great-cousins twice removed that drove from Minnesota to be there. (Clarification – I am not endorsing a cash bar. I was more thinking along the lines of good beer, wine, and a signature cocktail or two. Full-on cash bars at weddings? No thanks.)
- First Dance Song – Drop subtle hints as to what you want, but ultimately this will be her choice. She might make you take dancing lessons. Just do it. It may not be the manliest thing, but it’s 4 minutes of your life that she’ll remember forever.
- The Honeymoon – Surprise honeymoons are dodgy for my tastes. Some friends have completely planned in their fiancée’s absence, and it’s been really hit or miss. I’m a fan of openness here – plan together and figure out something that satisfies you both. I’ve heard from multiple people that going straight from the wedding to the honeymoon is not the best idea. The relief and unwinding of actually pulling the wedding off successfully takes a few days and can easily eat up precious hours where you’d otherwise be enjoying a much needed vacation. Give yourself a week or two or a month, then go. Everything will have died down and you’ll be able to enjoy wherever it is you’ll be going.
This is in no way an exhaustive list, but hopefully some guys out there will find this helpful. If you have other important tips, drop them in the comments.
