Hello! You must be new here. I bet you’ve never tried online dating before. Of course you haven’t—who is really that desperate? Well, not you. Except now, maybe you’re feeling a little lonely and, after all, everyone uses online dating these days! No shame in it, my friend. So let’s get started.
Perhaps you should mention this right away. Nothing says, “I’m not desperate” like starting off your profile with something meant to emphasize how very Not Desperate you are. There are a few ways to accomplish this:
1) “I’m not really sure how to write one of these profile thingies, so here goes!”
2) “I am new to town and just looking to meet some new people to hang out with! It’s not like I’m here because I can’t get a date because I totally can! People definitely do not think I am weird and socially awkward in person. That is not why I am using an online dating site. What is wrong with you that you think this way? Do you want to meet for drinks later? You have a pretty smile. Just as friends? Oh, okay.”
Next, you are going to want to tell your prospective partners how totally laid-back and down-to-earth you are. No one wants someone who is high-strung! Have you ever heard the bachelor tell the camera how much he adores that girl because she is so high-maintenance and a total space cadet? Obviously not. So please, tell the audience that you are laid back. You enjoy “chilling.” Chillaxing, maybe even, if you are looking for a partner who is down with The Slang! Got the 411 all up in herr! This is perhaps a good place to insert an “LOL” or an emoticon, preferably 🙂 or 😉 but definitely not 😛 because we want to save that wily tongue for at least the fifth date. We are classy like that. I mean, if you were looking for casual sex, you’d use Craigslist, amirite?! No matter that you did try Craigslist and failed to get any responses that did not come from prostitutes or spambots, but it’s not like you’re going to put that in your dating profile. You should probably leave that out.
Next, you need to inform your prospective partner that you love to travel. This makes you sound exotic and exciting, even if you’ve only ever been to Davenport. They have a different kind of grocery store there that is not the Piggly Wiggly so that makes it something of a foreign land. This brings us to eating, which is also an approved topic. You will imply that you will eat pretty much anything, even though in reality you subsist on Diet Coke, fudgesicles and bourbon. You do not want to scare people away by telling them anything that might be remotely close to the truth, after all. This is also a good time to bring up your love of cooking. Well, of course you love cooking! You watch Paula Deen pretty much every day while partaking in a light snack of Apple Jacks interspersed with bong rips. Thus, you have a love of cooking. Note that you have not actually said, “I love to cook and am good at it.” You are therefore not lying. Legalese is your friend.
Now is also not a good time to mention that you live in your parents’ basement and spend your days playing World of Warcraft between shifts at Chick-Fil-A. You should make a vague mention of your job in sales, which you love because you just adore working with people. Again, you’re not exactly lying, and everyone loves a people-lover. There are no antisocial people on dating websites, that’s for sure. And if there are, you definitely want to weed them out.
You should probably take a minute now to go put some more Easy Mac in the microwave and take a little break. We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty and you’re going to need sustenance. Also, your little brother will be home soon and he will probably eat that last packet if you don’t get to it first, and Mom isn’t going grocery shopping for like another four days or something.
I almost forgot; please include that you love sarcasm. Everyone loves a sarcastic bitch/sonofabitch. A dry, mocking voice just has that je ne sais quoi that makes the panties drop. So make sure you throw that one in there. And you have a good sense of humor. Not like all of those other super unfunny people out in Online Dating Land. They are definitely not writing, “I have a sarcastic sense of humor” on their profiles. This is truly virgin ground. Oh, and about that virginity. You should probably write something like, “I’m looking for someone to just hang out with” rather than “please at least give me a hand job—after all, I plan to buy you at least two Miller Lites and that shit ain’t cheap!” Women and men like a little mystery. In this vein, send messages that are one-word only, such as, “Sup.” This is a subtle and effective way to demonstrate your interest, and, generally speaking, bitches be loving the “sup.” It conveys everything and yet, nothing at all. Mystery.
If you want good responses, you have to have a good profile! After all, people primarily read the text that accompanies profiles. They most definitely do not just flip through photos looking for the one girl with tons of eyeliner and pouty duck-lips and conspicuous tattoos and bangs that pretty much cover her face but maybe she kind of looks like Zooey Deschanel from that angle? No, people use online dating because they like to read the text. Which is why you’re here with me, marinating in my sage advice like a chicken cutlet in some ginger and soy sauce. You’ll thank me later.
