Folks, meet Ah Be Ignorant. We’ll call her Abby, and I will reveal nothing else about her except her own words. On a website which won’t be named and isn’t the one I fled in droves, Abby and I both read an article about an archeolgical dig that discovered a man’s remains from The Copper Age (about 5000 years ago). Our prehistoric gent was buried facing to the left, with a number of jars and pots.
No big deal? Well, burial rituals were very serious business back then, and that burial position and accoutrements were reserved exclusively for women. Tabloids screamed: “GAY CAVEMAN FOUND!” and scientists went all a-dither. While this is an interesting discovery, you simply can’t tell someone’s sexual orientation by what they were buried in. We’re sure based on the age of the bones that he wasn’t a “caveman,” and we can’t tell for sure if he was gay.
On the smirking site for old people, the findings were published as just that – interesting, perhaps as an indicator of social acceptance for different gender expressions. We know that “third-gender” is a concept recognized by anthropologists. Except for Abby.
Abby wrote: Glad I’m sitting down, because I would have fallen over laughing.
Really, Abby? The very idea of gay people existing over the span of time is funny? The idea that the manner of burial suggests something is absurd?
So I looked at her picture, and without taking into account the glazed look in the dead raisins of her eyes or the way her doughy face cracked open to reveal a roll of stale Mentos melting in the sun of a Murfreesboro parking lot, and without considering the fact that her dog looks like a Hell-o-Lab rather than a Yellow one, I wrote:
I hope they’re sitting down in 3011 when they dig you up and find Fido and a jar of Skippy peanut butter.
Naturally, the author of the article deleted my comment, but not before Abby responded: I’ve never eaten peanut butter in my life and if they want to dig me up, I won’t give a flying fig!
I suppose I should have been more graphic. But I did sign in as Heywood Jablowme, so I had to draw a line.
Stupid people. Making America more of an anti-intellectual hole every day. Full story, from another site: http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/feature/2011/04/08/gay_caveman_absurdity/