By DahlELama and The_Obvious
What ever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV? You may miss your old familiar friends, but they’re waiting just around the bend!
Bob Saget as Danny Tanner
It’s tough to say which of the cast members was most excited about the end of Full House, but the smart money would go on Bob Saget—the man behind the Tanner patriarch—who immediately set about proving to the world that the hug-loving clean freak they knew was actually a filthy horndog with the mouth of Andrew Dice Clay firmly embedded in his Stephen Colbert face. From his raunchy SNL monologue to his mind-boggling entry in The Aristocrats, no one has worked quite as hard to shed his Full House persona like Saget, and nowhere has it been quite as fun to watch as in his guest spot on Entourage. These days, Saget can be heard but not seen as the voice of 2030 Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother, which really doesn’t make any sense, but whatever.
(Assume all Saget links are NSFW)
John Stamos as Jesse Katsopolis
If there is one constant truth in this world, it’s that John Stamos will always have better hair than you, capiche? That hair may not have held onto Rebecca Romijn, but it’s taken him to Broadway, the Beach Boys, his own failed sitcom, a starring role in ER (did they ever reveal what that stood for?), and his current gig, a recurring role as sexy dentist Carl on Fox’s We Have Regionals Every Week, Which We Can’t Afford, and Yet We Somehow Always Seem to Have New Uniforms. If you watch it for nothing else, watch it because Stamos does. Not. Age. Have mercy!
Dave Coulier as Joey Gladstone
You know the weird thing about Dave Coulier, besides everything? It doesn’t really matter what he does in life—and he has done stuff, from participating in random kids’ shows to failing at stand-up even worse than he did on the show to reality TV—because he will, forever and always, be known only as Joey and the guy who inspired Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. These days, Coulier can be found* playing with puppets and doing Bullwinkle impressions for anyone who’ll listen. We personally think it’s time to cut. It. Out! Quit it! But not before he answers our question: how could you dump a girl who’d go down on you in a theater?
*Or maybe he can’t be found. We actually have no idea.
Candace Cameron as D.J. Tanner
Hearts around the World were scarred for life when Cameron co-starred in the made-for-TV movie No One Would Tell with Fred Savage, portraying a couple in an abusive relationship. (“KEVIN ARNOLD WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL, EVER!” one of us cried, and not the one you might think.) Like her brother Mike Seaver, Candice Cameron spent her post-childhood years finding men and God. Cameron ended up marrying NHL hockey player and super-Russian guy Valeri Bure. Together, they have 34 attractive blond children, a vineyard, and a very close personal relationship with Jesus. Cameron-Bure can now be seen on the really awesome ABCFamily show Make It or Break It, which is returning for its third season on Monday, March 28th, not that either of the authors of this post is counting.
Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie Tanner
Oh, Stephanie. While it was always clear that at least one of the cast members of Full House was going to fall prey to drugs, we kind of assumed it was going to be Kimmy, and that it would be something a little classier than meth, like crack. But someone had to be the meth addict with two divorces behind her before thirty, and probably because it worked so well for a book title, that role fell to Jodie Sweetin, author of UnSweetined and one-time host of the critically acclaimed* Pants Off Dance Off, in which The_Obvious contestants did stripteases for money. She is now engaged to Morty Coyle (real name) and has two daughters (one with Coyle).
*Slight exaggeration
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as Michelle Tanner
Say what you will about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but they are nothing if not industrious. Not only did all of America watch them grow up from babies into living Bratz dolls, but they also bought their books and albums, watched their movies, coveted their clothes, featured them in their magazines and ad campaigns, and welcomed their designs into their closets and onto their runways. There’s not much these two haven’t done as adults (except wear properly fitting clothes, eat solid food, and smile) and they show no sign of slowing down, with Mary Kate appearing in this month’s Beastly alongside Alex Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley continuing to focus on the twins’ multiple successful clothing lines, including Elizabeth and James (named after the siblings no one knew they had) and The Row.
Andrea Barber as Kimmy Gibbler
Hola Crasstalkerinos! So, who saw Kimmy Gibbler turning out to be a completely nice and normal stay-at-home mom with presumably non-smelly feet? We sure didn’t, but sure enough, the shock of learning that Andrea Barber did not in fact die with Zack Morris in a a tragic fictional accident paled in comparison to that of learning that she seems to be a wonderfully nice and well-adjusted woman who’s traded in ruffled skirts and neon tights for…whatever it is normal people wear.
Lori Loughlin as Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson Katsopolis
Everyone knows that when you move a pretty lady into an attic with Uncle Jesse, babies are gonna happen, but Lori Loughlin, the woman behind Aunt Becky, didn’t always have as certain a future. Although her workload was far more consistent than most of her co-stars, Loughlin seemed doomed to a life of guest appearances and terrible TV movies, followed by starring roles on series that barely lasted a season or two. (Although Summerland did also star Ryan Kwanten, so, call it even?) However, in 2008, Loughlin was tapped to star in the CW’s remake of 90210, cementing her as one of the only Full House alumni capable of getting work on network TV. Sadly, this will be Loughlin’s last year in the role of Debbie Wilson, but at least she got to make out with the poor man’s Ryan Gosling for a while.
Scott Weinger as Steve Hale
Riff raff, street rat, please don’t buy that. If only you’d look closer, would you see a dumb boy? No sirree. You’d find out, there’s so much more to Steve.
Scott Weinger might’ve played dumb as DJ’s boyfriend Steve, but in real life, the man whose animated form rocked a fez-vest-harem pants-combo like no one else graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard and went on to write for shows like the criminally underrated Privileged and what some might call the greatest show of our time, starring the greatest comedienne of our time, What I Like About You. He’s currently writing for 90210, which means he and Lori Loughlin are probably sleeping together, right? Right.
Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit as Nicky and Alex Katsopolis
An alarm sounded in a distant control room. A wave of panic washed over the director; he had not anticipated hearing this piercing noise. His pace quickened as he approached the door praying to God he would walk into a false alarm. His heart sunk as his worst fears were confirmed, that skinny needle that had never moved since his first day on the job was hovering over the ‘E’. Full House had run out of cuteness. Michelle was all grown up and drastic measures needed to be taken: Twins! Actually playing twins! We first learned these bouncing baby boys were on their way when Uncle Jesse uttered those classic words, “Cheese half ink a… hotdog!” This would be their first and last foray into acting. Nowadays, the boys lead normal lives and are doomed to never having individual wikipedia pages.
Buddy the Dog as Comet the Dog
From early on, friends told Buddy’s parents he should go into acting. He was a charismatic and precocious pup with perfect comedic timing. (” What are Lindsay Lohan’s chances of getting no jail time? Ruff!”) Buddy grew up in front of the audience’s eyes and went on to star in the original Air Bud when a director saw him shooting around during down time on the set. In 1995 he was recognized with a nomination for Favorite Animal Star at the Kids’ Choice Awards. (Ultimately he lost out to Milo, the dog who starred in The Mask. Rumors surfaced in The Enquirer that Milo humped the legs of the show’s producers; he was subsequently stripped of the award.) Buddy also has the distinction of being the second Full House cast member to poop on the set. He has since retired from acting and lives on one of those nice farms upstate.
Miko Hughes as Aaron Baily
You may not recognize Michelle’s greatest frenemy, but let us assure you–Miko Hughes is what nightmares are made of. If you had difficulty sleeping in 1989, it was probably due to Hughes’ scalpel-wielding role as Gage Creed in Pet Sematary. Shedding his murderous image, he took a more wholesome role in Kindergarten Cop, delivering one of the Top 5 lines. Aaron appeared in 13 episodes of Full House. That damn acting bug seems impervious to all the Raid we sprayed and Hughes continues to take on small roles. When not acting, Hughes actively participates in Native American ceremonies across the country as a dancer at powwows. (This is surprisingly not made up.)
Jurnee Smollett as Denise Frazier
Winner of the “Guess who got hot?” award, Jurnee Smollett—a.k.a. Michelle’s friend Denise—may be the most prolific actor of the cast since the show’s end. Smollett, who’s one of six children, went on to star with her family in a show where they pretended to also be the siblings of a seventh guy who pulled a Mrs. Doutfire situation for their social worker, who he also wanted to bang, or something? (Don’t understand it? Don’t worry, we didn’t either.) From there, she went on to the short-lived Cosby followed by Friday Night Lights as well as feature films such as Eve’s Bayou and The Great Debaters, all the while guest starring on every medical drama in existence. She can now be seen playing Lisa Tyler on The Defenders, if you really want to watch that.
Tahj Mowry as Teddy
If you think it’s difficult living in the shadow of a successful older sibling, try having two…who are also identical twins. Sadly, Sister Sister Brother was not deemed to be catchy enough to provide Mowry with six seasons of lip gloss money the way it did Tia and Tamera, but Tahj was able to break into the spotlight as Full House’s adorable Teddy NoLastName. Like Michelle’s other pint-sized pals, Tahj had some considerable success immediately following the show, starring as an annoying genius child in Smart Guy and other voiceover work, but once puberty hit and he grew into his ears, Tahj’s career slowed down considerably. There is only room in Hollywood for one man with Big Ears, and that, our friends, is Will Smith. Tahj Mowry, you are no Will Smith. Now, as a surprisingly attractive adult, Tahj spends his days tweeting for Jesus. #FF @BigGuyintheSky.
And just because we love you…
DahlELama and The_Obvious are on an eternal search for Ben & Jerry’s Clusterfluff, the whereabouts of the baby from Raising Hope, and Platform 9 3/4. Anyone providing one or more of these three items will receive a personalized mixtape of “Songs for Wisdom Tooth Removal.”
