It’s that time again. Another day, another fizzled out semi-relationship with a guy who smelled delightfully of cigars and sweetly came up with clever nicknames for me. And so I reactivated my OKCupid profile last week. This got me to thinking about my previous forays into online dating, and I have provided a few select ones here so that you might laugh at me from the comfort of your strong, enduring marriages and partnerships or your basement apartments filled with cats.
I have been on many terrible dates. Punishing dates. But every bad one is an opportunity to learn and do better next time, no? For the Marrieds and Coupled Ups here and various others who have managed to avoid the Seventh Circle of Hell known as match.com, I have provided a list of things that should make you feel infinitely better about yourselves. And for the rest of you who suffer through endless OKCupid emails about your Quiver Matches (isn’t that some kind of Christian superbaby cult?) and messages from people who were never taught about the sanctity of the shift key, I want to give you some pointers and let you to know that you are not alone. Except–wait, you are! Otherwise you would not be online dating.
In any case, here is what I learned from a year of perpetual bad dates:
1. A sex shop is not an acceptable venue for a first date. This gentleman seemed quite promising! He charmed me with his jokes and his South Side Irish strawberry-blond hair. We could have ginger babies! This is my mother’s fondest wish—that I someday produce spawn that will be inevitably haunted by comments from evil 7th grade girls about how oh my God I can’t believe you don’t tan! and drunken twentysomething dudes desperate to know if the curtains match the drapes.
We got along swimmingly. In any case, the subject turned to online dating. If there is one thing I have learned from online dating, it is that men love to talk about the other men that women meet through online dating. I cannot explain this, but virtually every man I have been on a date with has desperately wanted to know what other men who do online dating are like. In any case, I mentioned that one of the first messages I received when I signed up was from a guy who described his love for his Fleshlight in his profile. And this South Side Irish man claimed to have no knowledge of what this “Fleshlight” thing could be, so, being the teacher that I am, I kindly explained it to him. Somehow this explanation led to the mention of a nearby sex toy emporium, which led to joking about visiting this sinful haven of carnal pleasure, which, two very large beers later, turned into an actual trip. Shockingly, this relationship did not work out. If there is one thing that Cosmo didn’t warn me about, it’s that dates that begin in a sex shop rarely end in a meaningful, satisfying relationship.
2. Do not date men who think it is sexy to tell you that they would like to tie you up and rape you in front of your family. It took me far longer than it should have to figure out that this fellow was an unmedicated psychopath. Luckily, after the family-rape comment, I told him that he should perhaps never speak to me again or ever try to contact me or I would report his freaky ass to the police, and he listened. This is also true: he had a tally next to his bed. You know, a tally. On the wall. In Sharpie. He also drank all of the alcohol I had in my apartment–including the mysterious bottle that a friend brought back from China that no one else would touch. Looking back, there were a lot of red flags with this one.
3. Do not judge unless this person totally merits judgment. Get out your gavels, because you are all going to judge me for this. (I am also listening to Coldplay right now. Judge away!) This fellow and I did not speak on the phone before our date, but we exchanged many flirtatious emails. He seemed so nice! Worked in education! We met for a drink, which became two drinks when I realized that he was unable to finish a sentence because of his severe stutter. It seemed terribly unfair to judge someone because of a speech impediment, so I tried my best to ignore it and just focus on what he was saying. This is where this story could take a heartwarming turn, where I learned that it was what was on the inside that counted, not the speech impediment! But this was no after school special. I soon realized that he worked in a part-time job, lived with his parents, and spoke with an inexplicable Jersey accent. And not in a funny/ironic way. In a bad way. A very bad way.
4. Do not be fooled by sexy accents. This sexy British guy had such a sexy British accent! He insisted on adding me as a Facebook friend after a couple of dates, which seemed weird at the time but, hello! Sexy accents cover a multitude of sins! And we discovered that we had the same birthday. It was fate! Except that he was screwing some other girl the whole time he was seeing me. I discovered this when he posted photos from a trip they took together on Facebook. Some people think that a British accent makes you sound smarter. But do not be mistaken: a British accent does not actually make you any smarter. Especially when it comes to things like hiding your ladyfriends from one another on Facebook. In a moment of near-instant karma, a couple of days later, his other girlfriend went snooping through his phone, found text messages from me and dumped his cheating ass.
5. Last but not least, do not meet a man at his apartment on the second date. This guy did improv and (because I was trying very hard not to judge– not all improv actors are self-important and insufferable!) seemed nice at first. We had ice cream. It was okay! He was not too creepy, though his bug eyes did sort of weird me out. I agreed to a second date, and I met him at his place. He answered the door in nothing but a towel. I could not get out of there fast enough.
I have learned a lot of lessons through online dating. Don’t be blinded by accents or the promise of ginger babies! Avoid improv actors at all costs! Don’t go to sex shops on the first date! Wait until at least the third date for that.
I’m sure I missed a few things here. What lessons have you learned from online dating?
