American Idol Recap: Pageants and Producers

We are in week 13 of the never ending story Season 10 of Idol.  A DECADE of this, my friends. As the Babylonion rumor goes, 13 is the unluckiest number and that proved to be true for some of our contestants. Fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia and I think a few Idol contestants now have it. Did you know that many buildings don’t have a 13th floor? The 14th floor has been tricked into thinking that it’s not bad luck but it really is. Anyhoo, this week’s theme was to sing a song by your idol, get it, “Idol” – hahaha so clever. They also choose to allow people who always thought they could rearrange a song better than the original, try and do just that. And with one fell swoop, most of them crushed the dreams of young Idol hopefuls as swiftly as Godzilla destroys a small Japanese city.

The Good:

Pia Toscano.

If there is someone who fits the “modern” Idol profile this year, it’s Pia Toscano. She is gorgeous, ethnically ambiguous and can really, truly sing. I suppose it doesn’t matter that she sang a Celine Dion song that needs to be pulled out of Idol rotation because she nailed it. She couldn’t be safer than Seacrest’s secret closet.

Who does Casey Abrams remind me of – Fozzy Bear? Nah, that’s not it. AH! Taylor Hicks! I mean, without all the of jerky movements and stuff but let’s be real.  He can sing, no doubt about it.  But when a young guy chooses Joe Cocker as his idol, we’ve got problems.  In other words, he may win but he will be singing in bars within two years.

Naima Adedepo certainly beat the Glee version of Umbrella with TV interloper Gwenyth Paltrow.  It was fun and funky, right?  She was kind of breaking it down a little with the dance moves and the reggae.  So whatever.  Still, she’s too much with the hair and clothes.  It’s like Denise from The Cosby Show meets Punky Brewster.  Separately, they are adorable.  Together, it looks like she got dressed with the random items she found on her bedroom floor.

Bowie

 

Hey James Durbin! Can you hear me with those ears? Okay, anyway. Baby gay Kurt if Kurt ever goes Bowie sang Maybe I’m Amazed by SIR Paul McCartney. It was good, it really was. Maybe he can be one of the Warblers next season and then in a bizarre twist, be Baby gay Kurt’s love interest since he can’t seem to get any action. Dreams, I have them.

It’s just fun to say Thia Megia’s name. It goes so well with the name game, so extra points for her. I’m going out on a limb and say this little newbie may take home the title. The producer of the arrangement should be taken out back and beaten with a Charlie Chaplin cane. Young Thia Megia HATED IT, too. She even cried because she knew that was an utterly ridiculous arrangement of Smile. As a general rule, if you make a girl cry, you suck.  If you also single-handedly end her dreams, you should never work in this town again!

The Pageant:

It looks like Idol got a new sponsor this year. A couple actually: Claire’s Accessories and Cache (were is my accent aigu key?). Coke, Claire’s and Cache are the hallmark of any good Miss Blue Bell pageant and now, Idol.

Did I do that?

Hailey Reinhart will steal your boyfriend. Doesn’t she just give you that vibe? She decided to roll out in a evening gown and yodel Blue, which I’m sure her handlers Jimmy Cricket and Dusti thought was such a good idea! I know Idol may as well be a Miss America pageant but you aren’t supposed to make it that obvious. She thanked the audience for letting her perform at the State Fair.

Last week Randy called Ashton Jones a young Diana Ross and even I could hear Miss Ross’ screams from the depths of Malibu. Randy is the only judge that makes sense this year (think about that!), but he should be fired for that comment. Ashton Jones is no Diana Ross. She isn’t even close. I’ve seen and heard drag queens that are more Diana Ross than Ashton Jones. Take it back right now, Randy. Right fucking now. But it’s too late. It’s already gone to Ashton’s head and so out she came in her little Cache dress singing a Diana Ross song that about 10 people know. She also thanked the audience for clapping at the end of her song. She really grates on my nerves, so let’s move on.

Poor little Lauren Alaina. Take a tip from Faith Hill and “just breathe!”. Carrie Junior was so cotton-pickin’ nervous that she just tromped all over that stage all short of breath and a crooning that she didn’t get the chance to really flex those pipes. The judges comments were SUPER awkward. The old lady’s were met with dead silence. I mean, there were crickets in that place. In an attempt to fill the space, Jenny from the Block said that “the competition starts today.” What? I thought it started like, 7 weeks ago? Little Lauren has a strong voice, though, and she thanked the audience, too (seeing a trend?).

She will have a TV show one day

 

Karen Rodriguez/Selena/J.Lo doing Selenazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m sorry was I saying something. She and Hailey are probably busy cutting holes in each other’s outfits and putting cayenne pepper each other’s panties. She’s only 21 years old and looks like a newscaster on Univision. There’s really not much more to say beyond that.

This season’s Clay Gaiken aka Scotty McCreery, choose a Garth motherfucking Brooks song. Just hearing the name Garth Brooks makes me want fight a hobo thinking back to Brooks’ reign of terror over this country in the 90’s. I want to run into a bomb shelter and make it all go away whenever I hear his name. I’m pretty sure Sail My Vessel is a euphemism for something really, really dirty. But our little Stewie Griffin is winning the heart of Aunt Keeks (love you, RL!) and that is going to carry him far into this little competition.

The Rest:

Ew

Paul McCreepster. I have to be honest, I had to fast forward within two notes of him singing. I also needed to go get my rape whistle and check my drink for a roofie. He’s SO been in L.A. for so long and SO ready to get his big break. He’s over-styled, over-verneered and over-selling it. He’s like that Sugar Ray douchecopter. I will not be surprised to hear that he has already had a recording contract in the past. Not at all.

Jacob Lusk choose to say, out loud, that R. Kelly is his idol. Never, ever do that again. Don’t talk, just sing. Is there a choir bat-signal that goes up every time someone sings “I Believe I Can Fly?” He is this season’s over-singer but he makes his performances enjoyable in one way or another.

David Archuletta Stephano Langone: RAGE! Who is doing these awful arrangements. Lately is a soulful R & B classic, not an oonze, oonze club mix. Stop.

Bottom 3:  McCreepster, Ashton, and probably Thia but in no way is that her fault. Going home: please let it be McCreepster.

Author’s note:  Hat tip to all those who have previously tried to recap a show. This is more difficult I imagined. You can eat my post for lunch in case you can’t get away from your desk. I’ll even pass the Cholula.

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