Do you remember waiting for Christmas or your birthday as a child? The wait seemed eternal, especially the last couple of days. You felt like you were going to spontaneously combust because of excitement. When you’re pregnant and near the end of your term, this is often how you feel. You’ve had enough of being pregnant and you really want to meet your baby. Plus, you feel like a whale and you would really like to see your feet again.
At the very end of pregnancy, you stop fearing labor. Instead, you begin to worry that you will always be pregnant. Forever. This is your main fear and it replaces any concerns you had about delivery. You want the baby out and you want it out now. I think this is nature’s way of making moms brave enough for labor.
When you’re in the home stretch of pregnancy and complain, there are evil, sadistic people who say things like “Relax, get some sleep and enjoy the end of your pregnancy.” They counsel that you won’t get sleep when the baby arrives so you should stock up on sleep. This is ludicrous advice because sleeping in the last 2 weeks of pregnancy impossible for the following reasons:
- You can’t roll over
- Your skin feels like it’s being stretched over a drying rack
- You have pee every 7.8 seconds
- You have occasional contractions that keep getting your damn hopes up
- You are so swollen that you somewhat resemble the Pillsbury Dough Boy
I don’t mean to sound negative about pregnancy. I really wanted to be pregnant both times. I was thrilled to be having the children. However, my pregnancies became difficult and uncomfortable due to some health problems that were exacerbated by pregnancy. Also, I am a stunningly impatient person. Waiting for 9 months was almost unbearable for me. I would have preferred to place an order and receive a baby within 48 hours. But, nature does not operate that way.
So, when I was within a week of my due date, the sole focus in my life was labor. I wanted it to happen so bad. I would have welcomed labor pains like a child welcomes candy. I began to look for ways to induce labor. The most popular approach, from what I read, is sex. I’m not even going to comment on the feasibility of sex at the last phases of pregnancy. There are logistical issues which are complicated by the fact that by the end of pregnancy, many women have completely lost their minds. Therefore, most men are terrified of their wives and would rather chew glass then initiate sex.
I decided to investigate a different approach – spicy food. I convinced my husband to take me to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. I ordered spicy black beans and nachos with salsa that I believe was called “El Culo Diablo.” I picked the hottest peppers out of the salsa and ate them raw with no chips.
“This,” said my husband somberly, “is what desperation looks like.”
Indeed, it was desperation. The Mexican food run did not pay off. I did not go into labor after the meal, but my husband reported that he was able to make the paint in the bathroom peel. I tried several other strategies, including Red Raspberry Leaf tea (tastes much worse than you’d think), long walks (I logged miles), acupuncture and laying on the couch weeping because I was so ready.
The baby, like all babies, came when he felt like it and not one minute sooner. This is the way babies are. They do what they feel like doing and you have little to no control over their behavior. It’s a theme that starts with the birth and continues pretty much for the entire time you are a parent. I suppose pregnancy at least teaches you some patience which is something you really need as a parent.
