Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 22

There was a murder last night at the Boddy Mansion and we’ve been hired to find out whodunit. Happy Tuesday, little birds! Let’s talk about things that are gruesome, gross and sticky. Now you, get your mind out of the gutter, we’re not talking about that bodily fluid, we’re talking about the other gooey one: Blood.

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Victims and Survivors. Sit down and relax. This is going to hurt us a lot more than it’s going to hurt you. Are you nervous? You shouldn’t be as long as you have nothing to hide.

LIFE! (LeZig in the Open Thread, with Mark Ruffalo’s Espresso Eyes?)

  • 1440: Ladislaus the Posthumous: This man was murdered, by his enemies, with the poison, in Bohemia. Ladislaus was 17 when he died and became King of Hungary and Croatia shortly after he was born. He was crowned King of Bushwick Bohemia when he was thirteen and looks to us like a pretty weak-kneed individual, so it’s no surprise to us that he was offed, especially when one takes into account the incredible amount of regicide that occurred during that period in history. Oh, wait, upon further reading of our good friend Wikipedia, it seems that he died from leukemia, which wasn’t a known illness at the time. NERDS! We wanted him to be poisoned so bad so that it would fit into today’s theme. Instead, the murderer turned out to be God, in the bedroom, with the terminal illness. We were never all that great at Clue, but we always did have a bit of a crush on Professor Plum.
  • Anyways,  at the risk of editorializing, we think his political policies in regards to the Turks were kind of dickish, but his wife? Total babe. What they say is true: Women and attractive history columnists love bad boys who treat them like crap.

  • 1940: Robert Wadlow: Carol the Pilot, in the stratosphere, with the airplane, after initiating Sky Law.
  • 1969: Clarence 13X: Colonel Mustard, in Harlem, with the Revolver. Clarence 13x was a member of the Nation of Islam, until, of course, he made the rookie mistake of criticizing the teachings of Dear Leader. He was named 13x because he was the 13th Clarence to join Temple Number 7 where yesterday’s death Malcolm X: Ray-Ban® Clubmaster™ Spokesman was a minister.
  • Anyways, after being excommunicated (we only thought the Catholics did that and are still confused as to why we haven’t received that letter yet from Benny and the Cardinals) he founded a new cult: Nations of God and Earth wherein the followers were required to refer to him as either Allah or Father. Ego much? Well, he did believe that anyone could become God by living a life of righteousness, but we’re still going to, again, at the risk of editorializing, claim that the man was indeed, an egomaniac. He was arrested in 65 for marijuana possession and assault amongst other charges and sent to Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric care where it was discovered that he believed white people were the devil incarnate (well, we are quite seductive with our curly red hair) and that he was schizophrenic. He was shot.

  • 1975: Drew Barrymore: What’s this? A survivor! Gee, whiz! We (and by we, we mean all you old people over 40) watched her grow up, go to rehab, go to rehab again and become the stunning comic actress/director we all know and love today. You go, girl! Happy 36!

DEATH! (92BuickLeSabre, in Photo Phriday with the axe he stores in his trunk?)

The following people may or may not have been murderers, but we have reason to suspect that they were, at the very least, party to an untimely death. The suspects:

  • 1680: La Voisin: J’accuse! La Voisin was a sorceress, a witch, a potion master, and a fortune teller who talked her way into high French society to become one of the Prominent French People who are considered The Most Important People in the World and how does she thank them? How does she thank them? By (allegedly) poisoning the king’s sister-in-law, the Duchess d’Orleans! J’accuse Voisin!
  • J’accuse! Her partner wasn’t even her husband, it was her lover, magician and practitioner of black arts, Lesage! J’accuse Voisin! Whore!
  • Thank god the French did, at the risk of editorializing, the right thing for once. Voisin was convicted of witchcraft and burned at the stake for all to see.
  • The Duchess actually died of gastroenteritis. La Voisin was probably innocent of any wrongdoing.

  • 1987: Andrew Warhola: Prominent ad-man and homosexual, Andrew Warhola, better known by his stage name “Andy Warhol” was a murderer. His victim? Art. Oh, yeah, Edie Sedgwick, too. This ‘artist’ claimed that everyone in the future would get ‘fifteen minutes of fame’ but have we gotten that yet? No! (oh, wait, we’ve been in print and on television). WHATEVER ANDY. YOU SUCK. We actually love Andy because he’s kind of amazing, but, seriously, the man killed art* by making it ‘cool’ and ‘marketable’ kind of like that blue duck in that short-lived, but amazing (is there anything short-lived that isn’t amazing) animated version of the comic strip Dilbert.
  • Andy was also responsible for making a lot of people’s careers and dreams come true, notably The Velvet Underground, but everyone did drugs and had a lot of sex and so there was a decent amount of overdoses (Hi Edie!). Andy didn’t do a lot with all the sex since he didn’t like to be touched. Who doesn’t like to be touched? That’s, at the risk of editorializing, some major fucked up shit.  He painted soup cans and had other people silkscreen images of Marilyn Monroe. Naturally, we shun any post ’68 work. Here he is eating a hamburger in has later years. Naturally, we shun this.

  • 2002: Chuck Jones. His crime? Continued attempted murder upon a beloved hare under the guise of Elmer Fudd. J’ACCUSE!

VIOLENCE! (Your intrepid reporter, at the Jackie O. Reservoir, with the sleeping pills?)

  • 1797: “Last Invasion of Britain:” You’re kidding, right?
  • 1847: Battle of Buena Vista: 5,000 Disney Imagineers fought off 15,000 Mexican troops to win this key battle in the Mexican-American War led by General Zach Taylor who would later become President of These United States. Fuck yeah, America!
  • 1943: Remember that group of anti-Nazi protesters whose members were arrested last week, The White Rose? Yeah, they were executed.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (Wait, wait, the clues are finally coming together, we’ve almost figured it out)

  • 1856: The Republican Party has its first meeting, surely to discuss how to, at the risk of editorializing, get away with war crimes and shaft the American people.
  • 1862: Some hick named Jefferson Davis is inaugurated as the first President of the Confederate States of America. We bet he doesn’t last 40 months.
  • 1872: Prohibition Party has its first meeting. Jesus, guys, Al Capone existed because of you people. That’s blood on your hands just because you don’t like loose columnists women drinking their Canadian Club.
  • 1983: Moose Murders opens, closes on the same night, setting a standard for failure on Broadway.

That’s it, friends. We’ve examined the clues and unlocked the puzzle box. You’re all innocent. Mr. Boddy’s murderer was, in fact, without a doubt, Joseph Gordon Levitt, in the boudoir, with the blindfold. He strangled Mr. Boddy and then he strangled Claudia Schiffer. Still hot, though. Until next time!

*We don’t really believe this.

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