Dealing with Hangovers

So I’m hungover today because, well, fuck it, I get wasted on Thursdays. What’s it to you?

Unfortunately, everyone of us here has probably experienced the foul stench and unwelcome presence of a blinding hangover. It’s not pleasant and the longer your career in binge drinking goes on the worst they seem to be.
Gone are the days when we could leap out of bed after a night of reckless drinking with nary a problem an aspirin couldn’t solve.  You may experience extreme nausea, a head ache that feels like its crushing your eyeballs together and bouts of light-headedness that could lead to you falling down a flight of stairs and more lethargy than a college freshmen at 4:25 on a Tuesday afternoon.

That being said, these are perhaps small prices to pay for that rollicking good time you had down at Billy Bob’s Dollar Beer Dance Hall. No one is suggesting you stop drinking but its time to start taking hangover management seriously.

It being Friday and a long weekend I figure a lot of us are going to be hungover sometime within the next 2-3 days. Keeping in mind that there is no quick fix to a hangover, this article is intended to go over some of mine and the internet’s favorite ways to ease the pain of a drunk brain.  However, first let us look at just why you feel like shit:

Basically you feel like shit because you’re dehydrated like a motherfucker. Seriously. Ethanol creates a dehydrating effect by making you have to piss every five minutes or “increased urine production” for all the science nerds. Probably the most disturbing consequence of this process occurs in the brain and is the main reason for the dreadful headache you have. You see, as much as we all like to think that our brains are very special and should be cherished, the body doesn’t share this opinion. When you start becoming dehydrated your body diverts water from fluid rich parts of your body (i.e. your brain) to your vital organs to prevent organ failure and death. This process leads to a brain less saturated in fluids which causes your brain to shrink in size and pull on the ling that attaches it to the inside of your cranial vault. That’s right, your brain is literally ripping itself apart from its internal lining. Think about that the next time your on your fifth double-whiskey.

The rest of your hangover symptoms seem mostly related to the fact that drinking alcohol seriously impairs your organs’ ability to do their job. Your stomach lining becomes inflamed with causes, in part, the nausea, your liver can’t metabolize sugar which leads to low bl0od sugar which makes you lethargic and your pancreas kicks the production of digestive chemicals into overdrive causing stomach pain.

Given the significant role dehydration plays in your hangover its not surprising, then, that my first and absolutely essential treatment is:

1. Drink your ass some water: Do this before going to bed if you can. Just down as much water as possible. It tastes so good! Its so refreshing, mmm yes water, I love you.  If your too fucked up the night before to even consider managing anything other than making it to your bed then begin hydro therapy immediately waking.

2. Have an amazing breakfast: if you have time, whip up some bacon and eggs, with toast if you like or even just a bacon sandwich, nom nom nom .

3. Just get drunk again: also known as Hair of the Dog, a desire to immediately get drunk again may indicate that you’re an alcoholic but you always knew you’d end up like your father anyway, right?

Warning! Going to work completely shit faced will likely result in your immediate termination!

4. Get some exercise: I know you just feel like laying in bed right now but if you can get outside and go for a walk, or a run, you will feel better I promise you. Nothing cuts through a hangover like adrenaline.

5. Smoke Weed.

Attention! Smoking weed is illegal do not do it!

But, if you happen to have some lying around and your hungover, then if you happen to light it on fire and inhale the smoke that arises from it then there is a chance you will feel a lot better. This isn’t the best idea, again, if you have to go to work. It would not be a good thing for your boss to be like, “Hey! I thought I told you to bring those TVs from the warehouse onto the floor!” and your all like

Dude, what TVs?

The sweet, sweet Mary Jane will ease your nausea and headache and make you sleepy so you can go sleep of your hangover. I usually opt for a combination of all these. Upon waking up with a hangover, drink lots of water, have some food, smoke some weed and go back to bed for a while. When you finally properly get out of bed, get out of the house and go for a walk or a bike ride.

WARNING! #CRASSTALK DOES NO ENDORSE SMOKING CHRONIC BUDS.

Have a nice weekend everyone!

 bacon sandwich via here, stoner pic via here.